The Surprising Thing

[caption id="attachment_4986" align="alignright" width="225" caption="A happier Lotta..."][/caption]

It started with a runny nose on Tuesday, which quickly led to coughing and wheezing Wednesday.  That was the progression of Lotta's most recent cold.  Wednesday night was the worst as Lotta developed a sore throat. Growing up with Asthma I have an extremely low tolerance for wheezing/breathing issues in my children.  Wednesday night went like this--Lotta would finally fall asleep for say 10-20 minutes before waking up screaming, crying, upset, gasping for air.  It felt as if I was being tortured as every time I would fall asleep, I would suddenly be woken up with extremely loud crying.  By midnight, I was losing it.  Then Lotta became so upset she started throwing up.  Thom, being the super dad that he is, helped me get her all cleaned up and back in bed where she once again fell asleep for a short nap.  As she was napping I was suddenly transported back to the night Ellie died, when she was struggling to breathe her last breaths.  Ugh.  I felt so powerless and frustrated and angry and sad with that longing for Ellie.  I abhor these breathing challenges.  I cannot stand them.  I wish no one ever had to go through them ever. I had a really good, ugly cry right then and there as Lotta lay sleeping not so peacefully.  When I was done, it was as if I had cleared out some extra junk.  I was then able to be compassionate and patient with Lotta for the rest of the night (well until about 5:30am when I was reaching the point of exhaustion).  I felt amazed that being able to walk through that grief allowed me to be more of the mom I wanted to be.  I guess the fear is  that if I allow myself to grieve I will be unable to be the mom I want to be.  The whole thing was highly freeing and surprising.

Last night, Lotta and I both slept oh so soundly.  As I woke up I thought how a truly bad night's sleep can give you such an appreciation for a good one!

A Stuart Smalley Moment

The other morning before school, I peeked downstairs to see what Ben was up to.  He was having an in depth conversation with himself in the mirror by the front door.  A highly amusing conversation at that, as a lot of laughter was taking place.   I inquired whether he needed to get his coat on for the bus.  Quickly he threw his jacket on and raced out the door.

We began a new tradition of taking an after dinner walk.  Ben loves this because now it is dark outside and it seems like a special treat to get to walk in the dark together.  Now every night it is Lotta who races immediately following dinner to put her shoes on.  And it is Ben who wonders in the afternoon whether or not we will be taking our evening constitutional.  During one of these nights, Ben suddenly exclaimed how happy he was that we had had Lotta because he would have been highly lonely after Ellie died.  I had to concur.

Another day last week, I suddenly heard Ben yell, "Lotta this is NOT a joke!" as he tore through the house.  Then the whole downstairs exploded with laughter and giggles as Ben continued to chase Lotta around the house.

[caption id="attachment_4977" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bet you did not know you could go on a Space Shuttle ride in Slater, Missouri!"][/caption]

At Ben's most recent dental visit, he was, once again, super excited about the FREE toy he would receive after the visit.  Last time he was given two toys because he'd done so well and he was quite sure he could outdo his previous performance.  When the dental hygienist opened the treasure box, Ben chose a golden ring with a pink stone.  I was a little surprised as he had been collecting horses from their stash, but knew, most likely he had a plan.  When we arrived home, he would not let Lotta play with his new sparkly jewel.  He inquired whether I thought it was real gold.  He looked disappointed when I told him probably not.  Then he inquired whether the stone was real.  Again, a look of disappointment as I explained that, no in fact, they were not giving away precious jewels at the dentist.  I think he'd had plans to sell that ring and become rich.  Suddenly, Lotta's wish came true and she had herself a brand new ring.

 

 

New Words

Lotta's world has broken wide open with the addition of a few new words to her vocabulary.  Two of those words are "do not".  Last night in the bath tub Lotta spent much time stating emphatically, "Do not touch the bum" as she grabbed her tush.

"Now" is yet another new addition that has changed everything.  As in I am ready to leave, "now".

"Yocks" and "ues" (socks and shoes) are yet another good way to indicate the desire to leave.

Can you tell that a large majority of Lotta's communication revolves around ways to express her desire to leave?  (In case you were wondering we DO leave the house on occasion...)

 

Messy

[caption id="attachment_4953" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Thom, Ben and Lotta at this amazing park in Slater."][/caption]

I hadn't seen my Uncle Rick (my mom's brother) since before I started having children.  And I always liked him a great deal, he has such a sweet smile and wonderful laugh.  So when we were invited to his wedding, I jumped at the opportunity.   I mean how many times do you get married the third time--only once!  At my uncle's first wedding (in the same church) I was flower girl.  I was Lotta's age and I got on all fours and began barking like a dog.  My mom said I'd never done that before it was quite a surprise. When I professed my interest in attending the wedding, my mom, Moffat and Kirk all bought plane tickets to attend the wedding also.

As the weekend approached, I became highly reluctant about the trip.  I was worried about Lotta's ability to stay in the car for days of traveling (it is an almost 8 hour trip each way from Madison to Slater, MO the wedding location).  Not a task that is a top choice for 2-year-olds.  Ben and Thom were not feeling exceptionally well, having caught the cold Lotta and I had had the week before.  So many factors to consider, so many balls to juggle.  I kept working and re-working all the plans in my head trying to figure out a way to make it all work.  I felt like canceling the entire trip.  But now 3 people had bought plane tickets, inspired by our desire to attend the wedding.  A lot of pressure.

After numerous hours of contemplation, I finally arrived at a plan that felt do-able and fun.  We would drive to

[caption id="attachment_4955" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben playing at the park."][/caption]

Normal, Illinois on Friday where the kids and I would ride the Amtrak to St. Louis.  There was an Amtrak sale going on from Chicago to St. Louis, so we could take advantage of that without adding any time to the trip.  Both kids love the train and it would allow Lotta the opportunity to stand and walk around, again without adding time to our trip.  We arrived in St. Louis in the early afternoon, picked up at the train station by Thom, who had had 3 hours alone in the car to listen to his book.  We stayed the night in O'Fallon with Thom's mom (his dad was fishing).  We had an ever so lovely visit with her.  We were able to relax and recover and connect with Nancy, making us ready to embark on the next leg of our journey on Saturday.

Another concern I'd had was spending the day in Slater, where there is not a lot to do.  We arrived at lunchtime and met up with my mom, Moffat, Kirk and John, a family friend who'd been kind enough to drive them.  We went to this diner that had a "pizza" sign in the window, exactly what Ben was in the mood for.  When we tried to order pizza, however, we were told that no one around those parts ate pizza for lunch so they

[caption id="attachment_4954" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Mom and I at the diner in Slater."][/caption]

never turned on the pizza oven until afternoon.  When I ordered a vanilla shake, I was informed they were out of vanilla ice cream, but I could have a strawberry or chocolate.  It felt as if I should ask them what they DID have rather than referring to the menu I had been handed.  All-in-all, it was the perfect place to take in the local flavor.

The whole day was absolutely wonderful, I never felt as if the time were dragging as I'd feared when planning the trip.  My mom took us on a tour around Slater where we visited the Statue of Liberty (who knew it was in Slater, MO?!?) We saw her childhood home and her school.  We went to the graveyard and my mom explained how our family were some of the first settlers to come to Slater from Kentucky.  In the cemetery, we saw a flagpole that had been resurrected in honor of my grandfather who was a prisoner of war.

When we arrived in the church, I saw that a beautiful ribbon was dividing the bride's side from

[caption id="attachment_4956" align="alignleft" width="223" caption="Ben blowing bubbles after the wedding."][/caption]

the groom's side, and not one person was sitting on the groom's side.  Our group made a point of spreading out to plump up the section.  Made me glappy (glad happy) that we'd made the trip.

At the reception, Thom decided that the way to make people in this part of Missouri nervous was to ask what the vegetarian option was.  Not available I think would have been the response.  The food was delicious and there was plenty of meat for everyone.  We stayed in a lovely hotel on Saturday night an hour's drive away, in the direction of home.  Ben's favorite part of the hotel, besides the indoor pool, was getting to have the breakfast buffet twice

Sunday, our drive home had magical moments.  We decided we wanted to stop for lunch before Lotta fell asleep.  We wanted to find a pizza place since we had not been able to procure pizza the day before.  We got off at the most promising exit.  I looked up and there was a family restaurant with a "pizza" sign in the window, and in Iowa, apparently, people consume pizza during the lunchtime hour.  We had a surprisingly delicious lunch the whole thing unfolding perfectly.

Upon reflection, I've thought of how when you are in the middle of creating an art project, things can get messy.  Puddles of paint may be splattered about.  Right in the middle you might think everything is ruined, you should just throw that canvas away and start over.  But then, you keep going and suddenly realize you have a accomplished what you set out to.  You know that it was all worth it.  I am just hopeful that the next time I am in the middle of creating something in my life, I will remember that sometimes things get messy in the midst of planning, but ultimately, if I am able to keep on, it will all be worth it.  This trip was most certainly more than I expected, an opportunity for adventure and reconnection with family.

Whatever you do do NOT panic

On our trip to Chicago this summer, we ventured to Navy Pier to visit our all time favorite children's museum.  Outside in the middle of a a square was a fountain which Ben desperately wanted to run through, as was being demonstrated by a gaggle of kids.  After years of parenting, we have learned this is the activity to do AFTER accomplishing all other activities.  Definitely a valuable lesson.

At the appointed time, Lotta and Ben were wholeheartedly playing in the fountain, while Thom and I sat on a bench entertained.  A couple of times Lotta would run to a different side of the square and look up, seeing a different set of adults sitting on benches watching.  She would begin to panic and yell, "Mama, Dada!"  At the same time, Thom and I could see her, and we would be yelling, "Lotta, we are over here!"  She was so busy yelling however, she could not here us.

It reminded me of how I think about my "invisible friends" (angels, spirit guides, ancestors, God) that surround me giving me all the help I could ever need.  But when I am in a panic, I can't hear their calls.  It's not that they aren't there it is that I cannot hear them.  I guess I feel like right now is my opportunity to pay attention to those voices, particularly that voice that I identify as Ellie's.  Somehow continuing to develop a relationship with her even while I can no longer see her.  Maybe in some circles that makes me crazy, listening to the "voices in my head" or my "invisible friends".  Guess I don't run in those circles.  Oh well.

Train Riding

Last weekend we took the Amtrak from Normal, Illinois to St. Louis, Missouri.  Lotta and Ben were SUPER SUPER excited.  The thing that struck me about the whole trip was how incredibly contrasting the train passengers were.  For example, when Lotta and Ben and I walked to the snack bar, several passengers, looked up from their seats utterly gleaming at us.  It felt as if we were friends.  Not just a friendly smile, but as if they wanted us to stay and chat for awhile.  I felt like asking, not just, "Do I know you?"  but "Are we related?"  That was how incredibly friendly they were.  Then there was the opposite extreme.  Passengers and/or workers who were just grump-ity grump grump. Like the woman sitting in front of us who kept turning around to glare at my children as they talked in their indoor voices.   I guess I am spoiled living in Madison where so many others are as entertained by my children or at least act as though they are.  Won't even air my grievances here because it seems petty and mean.  It was a bit confusing having such vivid extremes side-by-side.

The most exciting part of the whole train trip was walking to the snack bar for lunch.  We'd bought lunch at a deli to take as a picnic, however, Ben was not pleased with his selection.  It tasted funny to him as new things sometimes do in a 7-year-old mouth.  I knew it would be a loooong train ride if he were hungry so we set off to see what Amtrak had to offer.  The gentleman serving up snacks was, once again, highly highly friendly.  Not fake friendly.  Sincerely so (he could moonlight at Trader Joe's if he wanted seriously).  Ben enthusiastically proclaimed the train hot dogs as one of the best he'd had.

We had expected the train we were on to have an observation train and a snack car and be a double decker, as the train that pulled up right before ours was.  Unfortunately, we were a single level with no observation car, making traveling through the train repeatedly offering up only the very slightest of entertainment value.  About half way through the trip, Ben became boredom.  I was feeling slightly bored myself and wasn't much help.  The backpack I'd packed for our enjoyment had lasted about 15 minutes of our 3 hour train ride.  The couple sitting in front of us de-boarded and I allowed Ben to move to that seat, while Lotta traversed back and forth between the two sets of seats.  To overcome his boredom, the rest of the train ride, Ben sat propped up against the window, just looking.  Noticing how the sky was getting darker with rain, noticing every single hawk, and the highlight--a couple of turkeys in a field.  I was once again amazed at how Ben was able to turn his fun button on and transform a disappointing, joy-less ride into something spectacular.

 

Memory Sandwiches

Sunday, September 23 was the 2nd annual Madison Make-A-Wish Walk.  We signed up late and just couldn't quite get our act together to form a team.  Which was how I wanted it when we were two weeks out from walking, just a small family function.  Then on the day of the walk, I found myself wishing we had worked to create a team.  Last year we had a big turnout and we even thought we might win the largest team award. It felt as if Ellie had been forgotten this year, which was ridiculous, because as I said, I initially wanted it to be a small family function.  Nevertheless, I was missing Ellie fiercely, even her protests at having to walk, and especially her desire to tit tat (talk chit chat) with every single volunteer along the route.  I was in a funky space.  At the end of the walk, Ben somehow became Ellie, declaring he couldn't possibly go on.  Lots of crying.  Even dropping to his knees to crawl across the finish line.  It was highly dramatic, even more dramatic than Ellie would have made it.  Felt like a little tribute to her from Ben.

Today I was bike riding with Lotta strapped to my back, it was a crisp fall morning, all the leaves aglow perfect for riding.  I suddenly had the thought that right now it is my job to make "memory sandwiches".  So many things around Madison, around our home, events remind me of Ellie.  Make me yearn to be near her again. If I am able, I can start to build new memories on top of all the funderful, delicious memories I have of Ellie.   A memory sandwich would be creating a new memory over the old ones that are already there.  Thus creating, a stackable memory sandwich.  It made me smile thinking of how much Ellie would enjoy this concept, maybe not as much as a hug sandwich, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Recommended 8 Cups of Water a Day

With the help of Sponge Bob, Ben figures out life...

Last week, as Thom was loading up the dishwasher, he commented to Ben that it appeared he used every single plastic cup we have every single day.  I jokingly asked him if he thought the 8 recommended cups of water a day meant 8 DIFFERENT cups.  He looked at me confused, as if to say, "Wait, I don't have to use different cups?"

I found a presidential place mat at Saver's during their half off sale (whoo hoo!!)  We were talking about it last weekend and have decided that we are going to read a book about each one of the presidents.  Because it was Sunday, and the library was closed, we headed to St. Vinny's where we discovered a chapter book about, you guessed George Washington.  I just adore Ben's enthusiasm and gusto and willingness to embark upon an educational journey with me. 



Lotta finds the perfectly sized seat for herself (otherwise used as a tool shelf).

Lotta used to pronounce Ben's name, "Bay".  Which Ben only heard as any one else would say his name, he utterly refused to accept that she was saying his name differently.  This past week, she started pronouncing his name, "beN" emphasis on the previously missing "n".

Lotta is so eager to be a part of our conversations that at times now she will babble out a whole sentence that might sound like, "Mine in too mine you."  Which I might repeat back to her, saying it as a question, "Mine in too mine you?"  Which she emphatically responds, "Yes!"  Not sure what to do with that obviously important information! 

Last week, I dreamed I was staring into Ellie's big brown eyes, oh so wise.  And I knew in the dream what a gift this moment was and I knew that I didn't want to miss it and I knew that soon I would be awake and all this would disappear.  (A lot to know in a dream right?)  I continually have that feeling now as if I am driving in a car, speeding away from the time we had together. And I want to yell, STOP let me off, I want to go back.  Back to a time when I could see those big brown eyes outside of a dream, when I could hear all those silly made up words.  Back to insisting we go for walks together.  Back to reading and snuggling in bed for hours on end.  Back to finding crayon papers everywhere.  Back to having someone to peel the St. Vinny's stickers off of my purchases.  And I don't want to sound ungreatful for the time we had together, I just feel greedy wanting more.

As I was driving solo to Chicago this weekend, suddenly, I felt Ellie's presence.  It was as if she wanted me to know, "You haven't left me.  I am riding with you!"

 

Can You Feel MY Power?

Ben does not enjoy walking, which is challenging, since this is something Lotta and I do enjoy doing.  This summer we have been biking as our preferred form of transport (within a 2 and a half mile radius from home I mean I'm gonna have to get the 100 pounds I'm lugging home too, so I've got to save some energy for the ride home).  I strap Lotta onto me and Ben rides on his tandem bike.  At the beginning of summer I envisioned that by this point, it would be easier. Unfortunately, that has not happened.  What has happened is that when I am riding my bike solo, I feel like I am going incredibly fast.  I fell like I should be saying, "Look mom, look how fast I'm going!!"

On our bike rides, when we get ready to turn, I will put my arm out signaling our turn.  When I glance back, both Ben and Lotta are also signaling said turn.  Sometimes Lotta makes sure to signal with both arms, just to make sure.  Hills continue to be particularly challenging.  And boy oh boy do we ever have hills here in Madison!  As we struggle up hills now, Ben will start pumping his pedals hard and yell, "Can you feel my power?"  I just love that, that knowing how powerful you are, sharing it with those around you.

Our first summer in Madison I shared with my mom that I wanted to be Crazy Bike Mamma and just ride my bike with Ellie in her bike seat everywhere.  I think I've finally caught up with that dream and then some.

 

Sister Secrets

One of the wange things Lotta has been doing lately, is making funny faces, just like Ellie.  I don't know why.  She will suddenly, when she notices she has our attention start performing her routine.  Lotta continues to close Ellie's room door for her almost every time she passes by, Ellie would definitely approve.  It makes me feel as if these two sweet girls are somehow telling secrets to one another.

On the way to Zumba last week, I saw a little girl on the outside of the Y who for whatever reason, reminded me of Ellie.  Suddenly the little girl said to the adult with her, "Hey, I smell potato chips."  Which made me smile, because what did Ellie like more than potato chips (the liney kind of course).  Well, I suppose you could argue chocolate chip cookies.

Moving Things from Here to There

[caption id="attachment_4878" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Lottta in her birthday suit (gasp! a nudey shot)"][/caption]

We went to the beach on Lotta's birthday (August 15 fo those of you keeping track).  It was a gorgeous day, just perfect for the beach.  Lotta throughout the day would take the food bag I'd brought and put it on her arm, grab her baby and walk across the beach.  Then I realized this was her "purse" and of course she had to grab it and her baby before going anywhere else.

Lotta's favorite game right now is moving things around the house.  Makes it challenging to keep things tidy, as I would like them to be.  I suppose this is what Lotta sees me doing all day--moving laundry from upstairs to down.  Moving clean clothes back upstairs.  Putting dishes away.  Putting dishes on the table.  A dance of moving objects all day long, being imitated by Lotta.  It is amazing to me how she knows that she is a girl and is looking to me for advice on how to do that.  How does she possibly know this at only 24 months?  She must be advanced.

Sweaty sweet

[caption id="attachment_4864" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Lotta modeling her summer ensemble."][/caption]

This summer has been hot hot hot until recently, when we cooled down to 70 degree days like it is supposed to be here in Wisconsin.  Lotta has decided, perhaps partially due to the heat of the last two months, that she is not a big fan of clothing.  Of any kind.  You can imagine what a damper this puts on leaving the house.  And going to establishments that require things such as shoes and shirt (hey there is no mention of pants, does that mean they are not required?  Or is it just assumed?  Seriously, I need to know.)

Monday morning, I had decided we would venture to Target to finish up school shopping and purchase cake mix for Lotta's 2nd birthday.  Once again, Lotta refused to put on clothing.  Even a diaper.  She just comes and alerts me where she has gone, saying, "pee pee pee pee".  Which is helpful but not quite as helpful as actually placing said pee pee in the potty.

[caption id="attachment_4865" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben excited to go to Milwaukee on a fieldtrip day."][/caption]

I had completely lost my patience and turned into Crazy Mamma.  Not pretty.  Lotta was on the front porch, crawling around butt naked on the love seat.  Having a grand old time.  Finally I just went inside to empty the dishwasher.  Ben came onto the porch and patiently, kindly asked Lotta if he could put on her diaper.  She lay down on the mat I'd put there precisely for that purpose.  I came out to find Ben attempting to fasten the diaper onto his sibling.  Lotta continued to lay as I put on the rest of her clothing.  I thanked Ben for his help.  He informed me that he just tried to talk to Lotta as I normally would (when I wasn't suddenly a mad woman).  I told him yes, that kindness works better than yelling and thanked him for reminding me of that point.  When I'm yelling, I'm out of good ideas.

Finally we made it to Target and were attempting to wrap things up.  (As you know, Target is never a quick trip for me, and we had the additional excursion through Lego aisle.)  I was tired and hungry (not a good look for me) and ready to go.  Lotta headed on over to the card rack and started grabbing cards.  Ugh.  Ben went around to the other side of the cards and stuck his head through to surprise his little sister.  Meanwhile, Crazy Mamma had come back for an encore episode.  I yelled at Lotta it was time to go!  And told Ben he needed to get out of the cards.  He stated slightly panicked, that he was stuck.  I went over and in my crazed state, yanked him out of the cards, not too gently.  Which on the one hand got him unstuck quickly, on the other hand, not my best moment.

When I have a baby, my older children suffer the loss of me, as I fall madly in love with this new family member.  I made an intention to fall back in love with Ben this summer and it has most definitely happened.  He is such a super sweet boy, so thoughtful and kind.  A reminder to me when I forget how to be the mom I want to be.  At the beginning of the summer I struggled with how to integrate Ben back into our daily routine, the rhythm that Lotta and I had established over the school year, did not seem inclusive.  Now I wonder how we will re establish our days with a Ben shaped emptiness filling our days.

Funny Ows

At one point, during Ellie's first round of chemotherapy, she had lots of pain.  It's challenging as a mom to hear your child in pain, particularly when you know said pain is caused by the medication you are giving her.  Ellie rarely if ever complained of headaches, even after brain surgery.  So I knew if she was feeling something, it had to be pretty intense.  It got to me.

Anyway, one day I could not take it any more.  So I told Ellie, why don't we think of the funniest ows we can.  For example, "Ow! This pillow is too soft."  "Ow! My eye lashes just touched my cheek."  "Ow!  I'm relaxing and watching television."  It was highly effective in distracting her and me from all those dreaded boo-boos (as Elmos would say).

Later on, we even turned it into a game at the hospital, trying to think of the funniest things we missed from home.  "I really miss our toilet paper holder."  "I really miss the trash and how stinky it gets when we haven't taken it out."  "I really miss that stain on the carpet in the bedroom."

Well, one day one of Ellie's friends was over (a grown-up type person).  Ellie suggested we play the "funny ows" game.  I don't recall right now why she suggested it at that moment.  When it was her friend's turn, her friend said, "Ow, I broke my leg and had to have a cast on for months."  We all sort of stopped, not really knowing how to respond.

The story from then on was how her friend did not quite understand the task at hand and how awkward that was.

Sappy (sadly happy) Faced Stickers

There was a point when Ellie took a short respite from peeling crayons and became interested in stickers.  Happy faced stickers to be precise.  She would peel the stickers and either put them in a book I'd given her for her sticker collection or she would put them on the wall beside her bed that I had covered with felt.  There was a day I gave her a pack of stickers and went to take a shower.  I came back into her room and she had taken all the stickers and unpeeled them into a pile.  Every single sticker was stacked in the pile on her lap.  I sort of gasped because this was not what I had expected to see upon entering her room.  Which in turn sort of startled Ellie.  She inquired whether or not she was in trouble.  I explained that I was merely surprised she had gone through all her stickers, when I'd left her, she had been in the process of slowly peeling a sticker and placing one on each page of her sticker book.  It was as if her brain had a sudden glitch and could not stop itself from peeling all those stickers all at once.  At the time it was one of those sad/funny (sunny?) moments with Ellie.

Several months ago, Ben and I devised a system to allow Lotta to get more sleep.  Before the system was initiated, Ben loved to wake Lotta up so he could spend more time with her.  As I have mentioned, Ben has become interested in making money to buy himself Legos.  Thus, every time Lotta is asleep, Ben has the opportunity to earn between 1 and 3 cents.  If Ben is completely silent and non-disruptive, he earns 3 cents.  Ben is highly motivated to be quiet now and Lotta has more of a chance to sleep and I am not constantly having to say, "TOO LOUD" in a too loud and naggy voice.  Win-win-win.

The way I keep track of Ben's daily quiet-ness is through stickers on his calendar.  Lotta has noticed me putting stickers on Ben's calendar and she has become quite enthralled.  Although she thinks they are band-aids and so puts them all over her body.  Wherever her pretend ow-ees are.

Recently I unearthed the felt fabric that had been hanging in Ellie's room.  All of the stickers were still attached.  Lotta had a grabulous (great fabulous) time peeling them off and applying them to her body.  It was as if the two sisters were working together on a project.  Made me feel both sad and happy or sappy as Ellie would say.  Sad, wishing that Ellie were here to contribute to all this stickery-ness, or most likely yell at Lotta for messing up her design.  Happy, that even across the expanse of time, the two sisters could connect on this unlikely project.

Favorite Words

[caption id="attachment_4813" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="She knows what she wants. And right NOW she wants to be naked."][/caption]

Remember how Ellie's favorite word was brilliant for awhile?  How very British of her.

We've discovered lately, Lotta's favorite word.

Me:  Lotta you wanna come upstairs?

Lotta:  No.

Me:  You wanna stay downstairs then?

Lotta:  Hmmm no.

Me:  Is your favorite word "no"?

Lotta:  No.

(Elicits peals of laughter from Ben.)

Reminds me of when Ellie and I used to tell a very small Ben, "Ben don't be such a baby."  Which made Ellie laugh because he WAS a baby for crying out loud! (Did I already tell you that story?  This is my 413 post and I can't recall...)

My Long Lost Love

One of the highlights of our recent trip to the Ozarks was water skiing again after a 13 year break.  Reminded me how I adore water skiing, gliding across the water makes me feel as if I am strong. Exhilarating.  As much as my life has changed over the past 13 years, so has my approach to water skiing.  When I used to water ski, I felt as if I were being pulled by the boat, completely out of control, pretty much waiting to crash in order to end my water skiing turn.  This time, I still was being pulled by the boat, but I recognized that I had choices.  I would look up and see one side of the boat was particularly choppy, so I would move to the other side.  I would notice some large waves straight ahead and would bend my knees to absorb the shock.   I would notice when I was fatiguing and decide to give the signal to stop rather than wait until I fell.  Basically, I was making choices to try to make my stay up as long as possible.  This frame of mind, this strategizing made the sport for me that much more rewarding.  It reminded me of how my dad and I used to play Othello when I was growing up.  When Thom and I purchased the game and began to play, I stopped, stunned.  I did not know what was happening, this was not the fun easy going game I recalled as a child.  Thom was strategizing the whole game, a technique my father had not employed upon me, I'm sure allowing me to win much of the time, making me think I was actually GOOD at the game, when in fact, I was not at all.  I enjoyed living under that delusion.

This whole episode seemed like a metaphor for life.  I mean we're all being pulled by a big boat through life.  You get to choose how you respond when you meet up with those big waves.  You can anticipate some of them, others will be a surprise.  You always have the choice of how you respond to them.  Just like I used to tell Ellie at the hospital, there are certain things we HAVE to do, but we can choose what we think about them.   By recognizing my control over the situation, my enjoyment increased tremendously.

Slacker Ant

[caption id="attachment_4816" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Mike digs in to assist with Ellie garden at Prawnee."][/caption]

Over the past few years, I have tremendously slacked off as an aunt (as we say here in the midwest, "ant").  I have lost touch with that aunt side of myself.  Missing birthdays, holidays.  And most recently, missing the first graduation of all my nieces and nephews, from the one who started it all, Josh.  When we discovered that Mike (Thom's older brother) and Amy were coming to the Lake of the Ozarks, we decided, as middle children, it was our job to crash their vacation.  I mean driving 8 hours to see them feels much more do-able with an almost 2-year-old than driving 16 to see them in their home state, Virginia.

Since I was feeling so crumby about my recent aunting, I figured my nephews, Josh (18) and Sam (almost 15) and my niece Kate (11) would be feeling the same, thinking to themselves, "Boy oh boy she is the WORST aunt ever."  You can imagine my state of mind with these thoughts whirling around in my head, pretty crazy.  I was ready to get back into the car and drive home.  Plus, being in a family setting always makes me ache for Ellie, knowing how much she adored family gatherings.  She would jubilate in such a setting (whoo-hoo used my word of the day!!).

Much to my surprise and delight, Josh made a point of striking up conversations with me.  Because he was seeing me as the aunt who brought art projects for all the nephews during our family vacation on the outer banks, way back when Ellie was 9-months-old.  I think he recalled this because he has decided to go into graphic design, he has become an artist himself.  As we talked I felt

like I was transforming into the aunt he recalled me being.  Conversations with Josh reconnected me with my love of being an aunt (How could you NOT love being an aunt with the superior group of nieces and nephews I have??).  It reminded me, once again, that I did have relationships before I had Ellie.  I easily forget this in my times of missing Ellie.

Then there was Kate, who became my shadow at times, assisting me with Ben and Lotta, bringing me food, just basically being my right hand woman.  The two of us schemed to swim from Grandma and Grandpa's dock to the buoys, an approximate 1/2 mile round trip swim.  We of course, wore life jackets (I wasn't in THAT crazy of a state at that point).  Josh and Sam had attempted the feat, but were not allowed to without adult supervision.  I was the adult on this mission!  Wow.  At the last minute, Josh and Sam decided to join us.  We called it our "iron man".  When we were about half way to the boo-es a HUMONGOUS fish leaped out of the water.  I may be exaggerating, telling a fish tale, (Thom claims I often exaggerate) but to me this fish looked about the size of Lotta.  Yikes!  That's 2T to the layperson.  Totally freaked me

[caption id="attachment_4817" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Katy and Ellie (then Betsi) play on the beach in Michigan."][/caption]

out.  Sweet Kate kept saying to me, "Think about cookies.  Think about cookies."  To get my mind off the GINORMOUS fish that was swimming in that lake.  Half way home, I made sure to have everyone count off.  And because I was the official adult of the outing, at one point, when there was an argument, I shouted, "I'm the adult so I'm RIGHT." Just to let em all know who was boss.

As we neared the dock on our return trip, Sam and I had a lovely conversation and I felt like we were able to bound in a way we hadn't been previously during huge family gatherings.

On our road trip home, we were driving through a part of Missouri with very little in the way of food stops.  I was starting to panic a bit because I was getting to the hungry point where I was hating everything.  Not a good sign.  Suddenly out of nowhere, as if created specifically for us, in the middle of corn fields (seriously I'm not exaggerating here) was a motel/restaurant/gas station/bait shop.  Of course we stopped, you don't pass something divine like that up.  As we sat and ate (Ben timed how long the food took--9minutes 37 seconds), I looked across the dining room and saw 2

[caption id="attachment_4815" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Kate explores the waterfall last year in Prawnee, close to where we buried Ellie's cremains."][/caption]

teen-aged boys with their grandparents.  No one at the table was talking, the boys looked down the entire time.  Looked so so highly uncomfortable for everyone.  Made me appreciate the famazing (fantastically amazing) boys my nephews are, gregarious, joking, initiating conversations.

This trip was so worth it to me in numerous ways.  Mike and Amy told us that for Ellie's burial, they allowed Josh, Sam and Kate to decide whether or not to go.  The vote was unanimous to come.  Extraordinary.  Seriously, how many 10, 13, and 17 year olds do you know who would make that choice?

Thanks to Nancy and Gene for their tremendous hosting.  Thanks to Josh, Sam and Kate for reminding me how much I adore being an aunt.  Till next time...

 

Answers

On a recent roadtrip, I decided to teach Lotta how to answer some popular questions she is asked.  Here's how the conversation went.

Me:  Lotta, if someone asks you how old you are, you can say, "two".  Ok, let's give it a try.

Me: How old are you?

Lotta:  Two

Me:  What is your name?

Lotta:  Two

Ben:  peels of laughter

Me:  No, your name is Lotta.

Me:  Let's try again.  What's your name?

Lotta:  Two.

Me:  No, you're name is Lotta.

Me:  How old are you?

Lotta:  Lotta.

(Ben:  peels of laughter once again.)

This went on for quite some time, providing if not hours, at least minutes of in-road entertainment for the whole family.

Chocolate is to Croissant as Veggies are to Fried Rice

[caption id="attachment_4790" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="A set of three in Minneapolis."][/caption]

Last week, Lotta, Ben and I biked up to our local grocery store, the infamous Willy Street Co-op.  While we were there we picked up some chocolate croissants for Ben and Lotta (I can't get enough of their apple pumpkin muffins right now with huge chunks of delicious apples.  Yum yum.)  As I have mentioned previously, Lotta's favorite part of the croissant is the chocolate and at the Co-op the chocolate is two little chocolate y bars hidden in a croissant cloud.  Lotta had uncovered the chocolate morsel she wanted and devoured it, quickly moving on to playing in the play area.  Ben sat with me at the table slowly eating his croissant while avoiding the chocolate (he likes his chocolate softer).  He proclaimed that his favorite part of a chocolate croissant was the croissant part.  I told him that he and Lotta were the perfect pair, as her favorite part was the chocolate.  Then I pondered how there was something that Ben and Ellie used to eat the same way, making them the perfect pair with that particular dish.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not recall what the dish was.  Ben remembered that he used to eat the veggies for Ellie out of her Chicken Fried Rice.  I was stunned and amazed that he remembered it exactly.  How did I get so lucky to have two perfect matches?

Having Faith

[caption id="attachment_4779" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Thom demonstrates how to be on vacation."][/caption]

Last week was our vacation to Faith's Lodge, a retreat center for families who have lost a child.  Our trip last year was magical, we loved it.  It is so thoughtfully set up, there is a craft's room, a library, a communal kitchen and dining room.  Almost all meals are provided.

We arrived on Thursday afternoon and were ushered to our room.  I envisioned us being in the same room we were in last year, that didn't happen.  That was fine, until the manager told us that we had no bathtub and that the lodge was completely booked.  In my head, I immediately thought that this was a deal-breaker for me.  The day before Lotta and Ben had taken THREE baths together (partially to counteract the heat, partially because they adore baths).  And one of their favorite parts of being on vacation is taking a hotel bath (they pretend it is their own private pool).  The first year you attend Faith's Lodge it is $25 a night, the second year it is $120 a night.  While it sounds petty, if I am

[caption id="attachment_4780" align="alignright" width="225" caption="At the most amazing aquarium"][/caption]

paying $120 a night I just expect to have a bathtub.  There was a part of me that kept insisting that I go with the flow, look for what I like, etc etc  And another part of me just felt bummed.

Honestly being a part of a group of bereaved families, not a group I want to belong to.  (Probably there isn't anyone who actually wants to belong to this group. This is not saying there was anything at all wrong with the lovely families who were at the Lodge.)  There I said it out loud.  Doesn't make me look especially good I know.   I feel like I have finally reached the space with Ellie where we are establishing our relationship now. One of the benefits of Faith's Lodge is being able to openly talk about your child who has died.  Some of the families the death had occurred very recently, so it was all still really raw.  I just felt uncomfortable at this point re-hashing all the details of Ellie's life.  Sure there are times I want to talk about her life, but it felt as if I were being forced to talk about her life when I was not in the space to do so.

Early Friday morning (3am) I woke up and could not go back to sleep.  I got up and started looking at Hotwire for an alternative hotel room.  I found a 4 star hotel in downtown Minneapolis (2 hours away) with an indoor pool.  After everyone else woke up, I discussed this possibility.  I told the manager that we just really needed a bathtub, and that I knew in the big scheme of things this was lame. (I totally get that not having a bathtub in the face of families losing a child is lame. ) She agreed it was lame.  Which was awkward, but I forged ahead none-the-less.

[caption id="attachment_4781" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta loves this aquarium!"][/caption]

We went and ate breakfast and took a walk.  It was supposed to rain.  The sky had a cloud show for us that was more magnificent than any I've ever witnessed.  The sky actually looked like the sea, waves of dark gray rolling over one another.  Unbelievable.  One of my intentions this year was to see amazing things I've never seen before.  I thought this meant going to places I've never been.  How surprising to realize I can go to the same location and see something incredibly spectacular and novel.  Alas, I did not bother taking any pictures because I knew our craptacular camera would not in any way capture the splendor before us.  (Thank you camera for all the pictures you have taken!  I don't wanna make her mad and have her stop taking photos all together!)

As we were departing, I reconnected with the manager.  She said that she actually could use our room because more guests were arriving that evening and they were going to have to sleep on air mattresses, but now, they could sleep in our space.  It all worked out perfectly for everyone.

Upon arriving in Minneapolis, we went and had lunch at the Mall of America.  This mall is crazy.  It feels like a place you should really experience some time  in your life time, not a place that you might necessarily choose, but you should experience it nevertheless.  Afterwards we walked through the indoor amusement park to get to the aquarium.  Yes, you read that right,

[caption id="attachment_4782" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Ben checks out the sharks swimming above his head."][/caption]

there is an aquarium (a really truly amazing one) AND an amusement park in the mall itself.  We decided rather than spend money on the rides, which were a bit big for our kids anyway, we would take advantage of our kid's favorite (and FREE!) mall rides--the escalators and elevators.

The next day we went to Como Park in St Paul which has a FREE zoo, conservatory and a small amusement park.  The best part of that experience for the kids was the shuttle ride on a bus painted to look like a zebra.  The best part for me was the restaurant which had the best bean burger I've ever eaten plus some Green Tea to help me carry on.

Ben's favorite part of the whole trip was swimming in the hotel swimming pool.  I just love watching him, he's so proud of himself.  Somehow when he's in the water, he looks younger, more vulnerable.  He constantly wants my approval for his water tricks.  Which has encouraged Lotta to come up with her own

[caption id="attachment_4783" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Eating lunch at the zoo."][/caption]

water tricks, like jumping at you from the side after saying, "Ready" (where the "set go" went, I'll never know).  Thom's favorite part was the Aquarium tunnel you walked through with lots of shark swimming all around you (the closest we'll get to scuba diving with them here in the Midwest).

My favorite part was not settling.  Realizing we wanted something different from our vacation and setting about creating it.  I mean it feels wange (weirdly strange) when something that was so very perfect for us last summer felt so very wrong for us this summer.  Like trying to wear a favorite sweater that was shrunk in the dryer.  Sadly, it just doesn't feel (or look) right anymore.  I guess the challenge at times is figuring out when to make the best of things and go with the flow and when to decide to create something different.  This time it was fairly simple because I knew from the way I was feeling that something needed to change.  I truly loved the contrast of being north woods beautiful natural Wisconsin to being in a high rise glamorous hotel in an urban setting.  It was a truly remarkable experience and absolute perfection.

 

Superhero!!

[caption id="attachment_4765" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A famiy of SUPERheroes (including Super Diaper Baby!)"][/caption]

In the past, whenever I would request something on Ellie's behalf--a photo for the Wall of Love, a book, crayons, you name it---one of the first people to respond would be my grabulous friend, Jennifer McKeag.  So when she told me of a 6-year-old boy, the son of a colleague, who just started chemotherapy, I knew I had to do something.

The family is asking for photos (to be sent to his hospital room in Milwaukee) of people wearing a super hero shirt and/or holding a super hero sign to show Sam how people all over the world are praying and thinking about him.  He had a hard time believing that 500 temples around the country were praying for him,

[caption id="attachment_4766" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Super Diaper Baby!!"][/caption]

I think it would be sawesome (so awesome) if he ended up getting more than 500 photos from super heroes all over the country and the world.  Here is the address, if you feel so inspired to send a photo...

Sam Sommer, E571

Children's Hospital of Wisconsin

P.O. Box 1997

Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201-1997

Here is a link to the Sam's blog site....http://supermansamuel.blogspot.com/2012/06/superheroes-for-

sam-photo-project.html. Thanks!

Magic Wands or even Talismans...

[caption id="attachment_4747" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben with his first grade teacher, Mrs. H on the last day of school."][/caption]

Seven can be challenging.  Just on the verge of being a bigger kid.  A younger kid no longer, but desperately trying to hang on to the joys of it for just a moment longer.  Knowing that those magical beliefs in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny will soon fade away as a distant memory.  Ben so loves all the magic of childhood, he has decided that he will ask for a magic wand from Santa Claus, a REAL magic wand that does REAL magic.  He would even settle for a magic talisman, but only, again, if it were REAL.  He could then wish for no bad things to happen to our family (such as no fires in our home).  He could also help the polar ice caps to stay frozen or make sure the sun doesn't explode.  So many big worries to contemplate when you are seven.

Last week was challenging, Lotta and I readjusting to having Ben at home with us.  He seems to have gotten so used to his school routine, that at times, he doesn't quite know what to do with himself at home.  My vision for this summer is a Summer of Fun (as opposed to all those other not-so-fun summers I planned), and along those lines, I have decided that each week we will go on a field trip--somewhere within an hour and half of our home where we can go explore.  A day trip.

Friday we decided to go to the Science and Children's Museums in Rockford.  As we were preparing for our trip, Ben was having numerous meltdowns.  He wanted to take his sketch pad and his pencil and sharpener and a big eraser.  When he went upstairs, he set his pencil sharpener down and immediately panicked that it was lost.  From downstairs, I suggested he re-trace his steps.  He became more panicked and shouted that it wasn't in the bathroom where he knew he left it.

If I try to explain things to Ben, particularly if he is upset, he immediately takes my explanation as a lecture.  I was pondering how with Ellie, I could talk with her about things we were working through.  And she LOVED it.  Ben, on the other hand, will tell me, "You're talking like a grown-up."  So I knew I needed to change my strategy with him.  He was challenging me to become more. As I was pondering how to change my strategy, Ellie seemed to whisper in my ear, "make it fun".  Whenever we would converse about something, we would find a way to make it fun.  Being sad was "Eeyore-ish", being scared was "Pigglet-ish", we would ponder what character might be more useful.  For example, if Ellie was feeling Pigglet-ish about getting off the bus, we decided that Tigger would bounce off that bus without hesitation, so she would become "Tigger-ish" in order to summon the courage.  Ellie's advice to me was to make it fun for Ben and he would totally be invested in whatever

[caption id="attachment_4759" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ben being chased by a T-Rex at the Science Museum!!!"][/caption]

was happening.

Ok, so back to Friday morning.  Ben came downstairs and I lectured him and he screamed and cried saying I wasn't hearing what he was saying.  He wished that his Dad could stay home and I could go to work.  It was, once again, so obviously, not working.

We stopped for a moment.  Suddenly, it came to me (thanks, Ellie!)  I hesitantly said, "What if you were a detective and you had a job to find something missing and you wouldn't get paid unless you found the missing object?  What would you need to do to solve the mystery?  A magnifying glass perhaps?  Clues as to where the missing object was?"  Then we were all racing upstairs with a kaleidoscope (in lieu of a magnifying glass) to search for the missing pencil sharpener.  I walked upstairs and immediately spotted the missing item on the bed.  I told Ben (trying mightily hard not to

[caption id="attachment_4758" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Ben being eaten by a T-Rex at the Science Museum!!!"][/caption]

lecture) that I felt like I KNEW I could find it and so I found it right away, I think that is my REAL magic wand.  Ben told me that he was testing me, which I said, I must have passed that test, then.

We continued to prepare for our trip, and we still were not getting along, dagnabbit.  I challenged Ben.  (Ben is highly competitive and loves a challenge).  What if we had a contest all day to see who could come up with the longest list of things we liked about each other.  He was still feeling a bit grumpy, and said he didn't want to.  I said that the best thing that would come out of a contest like that is that I would feel better, so I would still do it even if he didn't want to.  Quickly Ben changed his mind, which I told him was the first thing I appreciated about him, that he was willing to change his mind.   His first items were things about his Dad, for example how I helped his Dad to cook, or that I married such a great man.  I suggested we save all the Daddy appreciation for Sunday (Father's Day).

Just looking for what we liked about each other changed the entire day.  Suddenly all that love and appreciation spilled over from Ben to Lotta.  He was calling her "my little love" and pouring his attention on her.  They even had a dance party together.  I guess it is

[caption id="attachment_4760" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben and Lotta at the Rockford Childrens Museum."][/caption]

inspiring to me to realize how one small step can completely transform the day.

Then Friday night, I awoke from this great dream.  There was a little kid in the dream.  I knew it was boy, but I couldn't see him.  I just knew that I really really liked him, I liked talking with him and just being with him.  When I woke up, I realized that it was Ben I had been dreaming about, the feeling of Ben.  It was as if Ellie were showing me how to recognize the feeling of him.  And what a great feeling it was.  I guess I still believe in magic too.

 

First Impressions

[caption id="attachment_4730" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie and Izzy"][/caption]

Maybe a year ago I was walking Izzy, Ellie's school friend, to our house for a play date.  As we were walking we came upon a woman who was sitting by the sidewalk in her yard holding 3 guinea pigs.  I think Ben said something about the animals to the woman or I did, and the woman did not respond at all.  I immediately began to get offended, "Who does she think she IS not speaking to my adorable child??  How dare she!"  After we'd passed her, Izzy suggested that maybe she was deaf and did not hear Ben's comment.  Wow.  I thought that was a much much nicer thought than the ones I had been thinking.

Last weekend we walked to a fishing spot nearby.  As we walked, I saw the same (grumpy in my head) woman sitting outside her home holding guinea pigs.  Thom was ahead of us and stopped to chat with her as if he knew her.  I immediately thought she must work at the DOR.  Then Thom introduced us

[caption id="attachment_4744" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta and one of her babies."][/caption]

and told me how she volunteered in Ben's swimming class as she used to be a swim instructor.  I thanked her for her assistance.  Then we went on to exploring and fishing.

As Lotta and I headed home later, the woman and her husband were in the front yard.  She had carried out her third guinea pig and made a point of showing Lotta what her pets could do.  As we continued on our walk, a little girl walked by and the couple said, "Oh, you're later than usual today, " as if seeing her was a daily occurrence.

What shocked me was how, once again, my initial rush to judgment was so so wrong.  The woman shared with me as we talked how she had just finished treatment for Kidney cancer.  I thought back to that day when she wasn't talking to us and wondered if maybe she just hadn't been feeling well.  I know I've mentioned in a previous blog about a neighborhood woman I felt slighted by whom I later realized just cannot see well.  I mean seriously how many opportunities will I get to stop my rush to judgement?  I guess that's it, I'll keep getting opportunities until I get it.

 

And the Topic is Things You Find in the Nighttime....

[caption id="attachment_4736" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta learns to drive her car."][/caption]

Lotta has another cold.  Ugh.  The kind where she sounds all rattley and wheezy, which I just absolutely can not stand.  It seems to bother me a whole heck of a lot more than it bothers Lotta.  A few mornings ago when Lotta woke up I asked if she wanted to share with Ben what she had watched the night before.  Immediately, she said, "Moon!"  "Oh, that is a great guess, but no, not the moon," I encouraged her.  "Duck! Duck! Duck!" she exclaimed as if she were a guest on a game show. "Oh another good guess, but no, we saw the train."  For some reason, the train seemed somewhat of a let down after the possibility of the moon and ducks.