The Dirt on Ben

At last month's Moth, the topic was Dirt.  Here's the story I told, which I didn't feel went as well as I'd hope (I froze on stage), but I thought I'd share the story here.  Ben had asked me to tell a story about him (Ellie always seems to make it into my stories..)

When my son could barely walk, I discovered him pretending to throw up in a stack of pink bins in the hospital.  He’d witnessed his sister using those containers for just that purpose so many times.  Even at that young age, he had had plenty of experience with the dirty, messy side of the hospital.   His older sister had a brain tumor, so he was in and out of the hospital all the time.  And at that point, he just thought that’s what you did when you saw one of those buckets.  It was his normal.  

From the very start, Ben experienced hospital life.   For example, there was the time I was nursing newborn Ben in Ellie’s hospital room.  Suddenly, her anti seizure medication relaxed Ellie so much that she stopped breathing.  The room filled with responding medical personnel.  When they had Ellie stabilized, one of them surprised, said “oh, you are nursing!”

Honestly, it was easy to ignore Ben, he was so healthy and vibrant, compared to all Ellie’s medical issues.  I mean how do you even compete physically with a brain tumor?  When Ben was 4, or maybe 5, he gave it a really good try when he had 8 cavities, plus strep throat PLUS Lyme’s disease.  THEN, he had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic he was on which left him polka dotted.  I was fairly certain I would win “worst mom of the year” medal that year.  Even right now they are competing as Ben asked me to tell a story about him, because somehow Ellie always sneaks her way into every Moth story I tell.  

During another hospital stay, Ellie had had a major surgery.  Ellie had been stuck in bed for a week, maybe longer recovering.  These were particularly challenging stays with a toddler in tow, as there were so many many bright, exciting buttons, just begging to be pushed.  Even though Ben was super young, just walking himself, he raced over to give his sister a huge excited hug, when he saw her trying to walk again, two physical therapists assisting her.  It was shocking that someone so young could understand how momentous it was that she was walking again (or trying to).  

And the last year of Ellie’s life, we were in and out of the PICU so many times, that Ben would pick her next room as we were departing, he was already anticipating the next stay, because he knew we would be back.  

The last few months, things became increasingly smelly and dirty, we were dealing with any and all bodily fluids you could imagine.  I knew if Ben saw or smelled anything that was happening in Ellie’s room, he would immediately start throwing up himself.  I tried my best to protect him from seeing and experiencing what was happening in there, for his sake, as well as mine (otherwise, I’d have TWO messes to clean up).  

Ben was 5 when his sister passed away.  At the end, he was this energetic little boy who would run into Ellie’s room and just scare the daylights out of her.  She would scream upon his arrival, not expecting his visit.  At the time

I thought of him as all caps BEN! With an exclamation point.  I desperately wanted him to remember how much Ellie loved him and not just her screaming for him to leave her room.  I wanted Ben to remember how Ellie always called him her best friend and how lucky she was to get to have a brother, whom she lived with, as her best friend.  How convenient is that? And I realized after Ellie died that the reason Ben’s favorite letter was “E” was because it started his sister’s name.  

Ben is now in Middle School, an age Ellie never reached.  Whenever there is a concert at school, it is always a bit shocking seeing all of Ben's classmates now, older than they are in my head.  And every time I walk in and feel weepy, and just cross my fingers they will play a sad piece that I can cry along to. A song so sad, I could look around me in astonishment to anyone NOT crying because, what are you a robot?  Every time, as I walk in to find a seat, Ben will spot me and start waving his hand wildly.  Instead of pretending he does not have parents, like his classmates, he just full on owns it.  It always makes my heart soar with love for his bravery and willingness to be who he is regardless of who he is surrounded by.  I once asked him how having Ellie as a sister impacted him, he said he felt like it made him kinder.  I have to agree, he has excelled in the kindness department.

Last week,  I volunteered for the Middle School.  One of the teachers stormed out, upset by a student.  Because apparently some of those middle schoolers can be real a-holes (I’m quoting here).  I offered her water, because that is recommended as helpful in any situation.  We started chatting and she asked who I was, and as soon as I said, "Ben Kennedy's mom", her whole face lit up.  It was as if just hearing his name, made her  feel as equally happy as she'd felt unhappy just moments before.  Which, of course, made me tear up.  That guy, somehow, has found a way to shine and jed (joy spread as Ellie would say) even in Middle School.  Somehow he was able to take all the messy, dirty, chaotic, neglectful parts of

Money Maker

Oh. Sweet Ben. So willing to help out when needed without complaint. Does his homework without being asked. Stays on top of his diabetes management. 

 Ben is an ideas guy. He comes up with great fabulous big plans. Often times just discussing them is as far as it goes. And we get a lot of enjoyment over these conversations. This summer he was once again planning a bake sale. A few years ago he did an impromptu yard sale with some toys which made him exactly $0. And a big mess to clean up. So when he mentioned a bake sale again, I suggested we make it a fundraiser for JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund). We discussed what he wanted to make (limited this to 3 items to make it do able) what other items we might need and where we could go where people might want a snack (a park). It felt so great to actually be assisting him in his dream rather than just discussing it for a change. He ended up raising over $50! Which encouraged us to ask his teacher if there was a way his class could get involved. (Which turned into the student council donating half the sales from the school store the Friday before the walk.) And to start a t-shirt campaign. Once we began taking action it was like the whole thing snowballed. 

 

Sucky

Every Wednesday evening Thom plays badminton.  So every week after Thom leaves, Ben baby sits Zibbi while I put Lotta to bed. One Thursday afternoon Ben shared with me how he loved having special time on Wednesdays to connect with Zibbi. He felt like it was excellent for their relationship. 

Last week Ben had a friend attend family fun night at Warner park. This event is amazing. For five bucks the entire family can go and play basketball, bounce in a bouncy house, do pottery, do an art project, play air hockey, they even have special classes each time such as hula hooping and zumba. Makes me so glad to live in Madison Wisconsin!! 

After FFN (that's family fun night to you non Madisonian) we dropped Ben's friend off.  I commented on how impressed I was with his conversational skills.  He was asking great questions and listening really well. I suggested that this most likely made his friend feel really good.  Ben explained that at school they have been studying how to have a conversation. However he didn't feel like he needed the instruction because he has the opportunity to converse with me every day during our walk home. 

What other 9 year old boy talks this way about connecting with his little sisters and having conversational skills?  

I feel so lucky. Or sucky as Ellie would say. 

Angels Angels Everywhere

Much easier getting in than out!

Lotta, Zibbi and I attended Ben's Valentine's Day Party. We were in charge of games. What shocked me about the whole party was how incredibly unhappy Ben was in his classroom. Never have I witnessed Ben so sullen and awkward.  It was painful.

Near the beginning of the school year, Zibbi, Lotta and I participated in the Marquette Mile, a fund raiser where the entire school walks together.  It was the last school event Ellie ever participated in.  When Ben's class lined up outside for the group photo, Ben was standing beside his teacher.  Suddenly he was knocked out of this spot, and I watched as he frantically attempted to find a spot for himself.  I waved him over beside me and gave him a big (hopefully) reassuring hug.  What bothered me later as I pondered the scenario was the possibility that Ben was spending his days feeling that out of place and uncomfortable and, well, just frantic.

All of this is such a contrast to Ben's experience in 1st and 2nd grade when he was absolutely blossoming.  His teachers continually told me how well liked he was, what an astounding writer he is, how caring and kind he is.  The time I presented The Angry Monster Book to the class, Ben was the guy completely engaged, raising his hand.  Practically glowing.  His teachers were magnificent, spending a full month teaching kindness.  The fit for him was perfect, and I knew even on those days when I was not at my best, Ben would have spent the majority of his day feeling happy and confident, surrounded by love and acceptance.

This whole thing has really made me up my game, as I realize now how challenging each day at school is for him, I realized how our love and kindness and acceptance is even more critical.  I mean on the one hand I am happy he has family support where some other students might not.  On the other hand, as a mamma bear, I don't want him slogging through this mess!!

Monday following V day, I made an appointment with the principal (yes I went straight to the top!  Reminded me of the times "crazy Momma" reared her head at the hospital to get things done.)  She is a fabulous principal and told me at one point during the meeting how she just loved our family (how could I not think her fabulous after that comment?).  I felt much reassured that Ben would be receiving some additional during his school day.  

As I approached Ben's classroom for pick up, a woman approached me saying, "Hi!" as if she knew me.  Unfortunately, this wange thing has happened to my memory following my fourth born.  I now often encounter people I have absolutely no memory of meeting.  None.  Now the thought of not recalling someone's name seems like a step up.  Anyway, this lovely woman could tell from the blank look on my face that I had not a clue.  She explained that we'd met at Costco.  It all came back to me.  She sat down next to us in the food court and went on and on about how Ben just continually made her day with his friendliness and his smile.

Once I was oriented, I told her (her name is Kathleen), about how Ben has been struggling this year.  She told me the guys she typically sees Ben with and one guy she has tried to set up with Ben.  It made me feel as if all along, Ben has had this angel looking out for him.  I wanted to ask her, "Did Ellie send you?" 

   

No Empty Buckets

Thom and Zibbi's buckets are full.

At Ben's school there is talk of "filling your bucket" or "filling someone else's bucket", meaning you do something kind that fills the other person (or yourself) up with good stuff.  Emptying your bucket would be the opposite, doing something mean that leaves the other person (or yourself) feeling empty.  

At the beginning of the school year, as we were walking home one day from school, Ben told me that a fifth grader (just to re-cap, Ben is in 3rd grade) pushed him against the fence and started making fun of him.  He told Ben that he was just a 3rd grader, that his ears were big, he grabbed Ben by the nose and continued to taunt him.

Lotta's bucket is full!

Ben was very proud of himself as he described how he would NOT allow the other kid to bully him.  He just shrugged and said, "Yeah, I AM a 3rd grader."  and "I like my ears."  Ben told me that he refused to let the other guy empty his bucket, he had his lid on tight.

I am sure you will not be at all surprised, this description brought out my momma bear.  I phoned his teacher who went to speak with the 5th grade team.  The principal was notified. She explained to me how she wanted to have a meeting with Ben and the other student to allow them to have a discussion where the two boys could interact in a different way. After the meeting, I inquired how it went.   Ben informed me that he was never afraid of the other guy.  That Ben is a true super hero!

Super Ben!

Best Days

BEN WATCH OUT!!

Sweet Lotta

Ben and Zibbi at the Children's Museum.

Ben had been asking to go to the Natural History Museum and Children's Museum in Rockford, Illinois all summer.  All summer I was nervous about taking a newborn for an hour and a half car ride (or van ride).

At the end of October, Ben had Thursday and Friday off of school so we finally decided, now that the baby is 5 months old, it was time.  It was Zibbi and our mini-van's first out-of-state trip.  We stopped on our way in and ate at Jessica's restaurant, a diner style restaurant where we were the youngest patrons by numerous decades. Lotta ordered a Minnnie Mouse pancake so it came with a whipped cream bow.  Breakfast for lunch is AWLAYS a big hit.

On the outside of the Children's Museum is a huge banner that reads something about how the museum is rated number 7 by Forbes magazine.  Made me chuckle to imagine the cheers, "We're number 7!!  We're number 7!!"

There is an outdoor area of the children's museum that features, amongst numerous other amazing items, an archaeological dig site.  Ben and Lotta were digging for bones when I turned my back for just a moment, when I looked back Lotta had removed her boots AND socks and sat enjoying herself in the brisk 40 degree weather.  Whenever I suggest something ridiculous like a coat or shoes that cover her feet (as opposed to flip flops) Lotta laughs, telling me not to worry, she LIKES the cold.  A true Wisconsin girl she is.

The highlight of the trip was when we went to retrieve snacks from vending at the Children's Museum.  As we sat nibbling, Ben suddenly exclaimed how THIS was his best day and just when he thought his days couldn't possible get better, he has the greatest day of all.  His days just keep getting better and better what else could I want for him?

Comedians, Owls and Apple Juice

As we sat down to dinner, Lotta proclaimed, "Every time I drink apple juice my hair gets wet."

Thom decided he would amaze and delight Ben with some little known facts about owls.  When Thom started asking him questions, Ben answered each question correctly then went on to supplying us with additional information.

Last week, as Ben dropped an orange on the floor and bent down to retrieve it, this gave Zibbi the giggles.  Which then resulted in both Lotta and Ben trying to maintain the level of hilarity.  I thought what a great life to have a set of comedians at your disposal.

Guess that is what all the fuss about family dinners is about.

Oh Baby!

Contractions started at around 12:30 on Wednesday, or they became uncomfortable enough that staying in bed was less of an option.  Thom had pulled an all night-er on a work project the previous night, so I was trying to let him get at least 4 hours of sleep.  I became worried that I would move into the transition phase before I woke him up, so at around 3:30 I woke him.  Everything went pretty slowly, I was having not so strong contractions.  Based on my previous births, I assumed that we would be done in a timely manner, as my longest previous birth was 9 hours.  By morning, we decided to allow Ben to stay home from school until the baby was born.  Originally, we were hoping for one of those 1 hour or even 20 minute births.  We'd already exceeded those expectations.

Things continued this way with medium contractions irregularly spaced.  Ben decided to be "second mother" taking  care of Lotta.  Ben instinctively knew that this was a free-for-all day.  He would come upstairs and inquire if he could make an afternoon snack.  To which we responded with a resounding "yes!" When he asked if he could watch more television another affirmative.  At some point, as things started getting more intense, Ben changed Lotta (including her diaper) into her pajamas.  Had we known that this birth were going to take so much longer, we probably would have made other plans for the care of our children.  I did feel guilty over ignoring our children all day long.  On the other hand, the day really allowed Lotta and Ben to bond and truly allowed Ben to rise to a leadership position.  He felt so proud of all the ways he assisted Lotta and in turn our family during birth.

As birth progressed, I became more vocal.  By the time I was near the end, it was getting quite loud (with Ellie the hospital personnel asked me to be quieter).  Lotta kept coming in to check on me, inquiring, "Mommy OK?"  Ben, once again, came to the rescue, making it a game, telling Lotta they would run away from all the noise.  Finally, the two of them ended up watching a movie.  Because Ben had experienced Lotta's birth, he was not at all surprised or scared by my vocalizing. He passed this attitude on to Lotta, allowing her to relax.

Also around this time, Lotta found a pair of Thom's old eye glasses.  She put them on and pretended to be Doctor Lotta.  She came to Thom and I requesting that we say "AAAHH" and open our mouths for her viewing.  I said my "AAAAAAArrrgggggHHHHHH!!!!" as I was having a contraction.

At this point I was around the 20 hour mark of birth/labor.  There were many many moments near the end, when I thought this was incredibly bad idea and wondered if there was any possible way to get out of this IMMENSE pain.

When the baby arrived, a beautiful baby girl, she had the umbilical chord wrapped around her little neck.  She was slightly purplish.  I had read about this happening occasionally during birth.  One family said they simply unwound the chord and the baby was fine.  So I felt confident in doing the same.When the midwife arrived, she confirmed that the umbilical chord around the neck was not cause for concern, that in some ways it was a better place for the chord than others.    The baby quickly started turning pink (instead of purple) as I talked to her and wiped her off.

Ben and Lotta came upstairs to meet their new sister, Madeline Elizabeth (nicknamed Zibbi).  My favorite favorite part of birth was the whole family sitting around me and baby Zibbi, admiring her.  I love how giving birth this way bonds my family in ways that I cannot even describe or imagine beforehand.  I know giving birth in this more native fashion without technology immediately available causes concern for some.  After experiencing birth this way, I however, cannot imagine giving birth any other way.

Hard Work Deserves Cake

 Those youngsters have a LOT to learn

Before we traversed to Prawnee this year, Ben and I were discussing the opportunity he would have to play with his younger cousin, Dariush.  I exclaimed how superb Ben is with younger children and I just knew that Ben and Dariush would have a grand time together.  Ben paused and looked at me rather gravely, explaining how he enjoys spending time with younger kids because he feels he has a lot to teach them.

Welcom out!

Recently Ben made a poster for the new baby.  On one side it says, "Welcom out!" on the other side it says, "Hard work deserves cake!"  I guess we will be having cake the day baby arrives.  Yum.  (We had pancakes to celebrate Lotta's BIRTH day, which Ben is keen on recalling).

 

 

Pregnant with Possibility

On Ben's birthday we were traveling to Tennessee.  Beforehand, we talked up how he would be able to experience two of his favorite things--watch videos all day while we drove in the car AND wake up in a hotel.  He even got to pick our lunch destination, Bob Evan's, because they have whipped cream on top of their pancakes.  I felt as if his birthday was particularly low key this year.  I was worried it would be a let down for Ben.  At the end of his big day, when I asked him, he thought it had been an EXCELLENT birthday.  He did not notice there wasn't a party or even a great deal of hoop-la.  Instead, he noticed there was Blueberry Pie with whipped cream on top (are you noticing  a topping theme here?)

[caption id="attachment_5255" align="alignright" width="225"] Ben one of my heroes![/caption]

The thing I truly appreciate about Ben is his ability to get so excited about an idea.  He doesn't wait until he has that Lego set in his hand to get excited, he gets super excited just thinking about, contemplating his new purchase.  It is as if the swoosh of life is what is the BEST part of getting something new, not the actual acquisition of the item.  I feel like he is my role model in how to be as excited before the thing has shown up as after its arrival.  And he has no doubt whatsoever that what he desires will show up.  His latest excitement has been over wanting to get a pet, paid for by himself.  First he wanted a lizard, then a snake, then a rabbit, now a cat (not likely as Thom and I are both allergic).  Again, he is thoroughly enjoying researching, discussing and contemplating what it will be like.  He is pregnant with all the possibilities.

The Sign of an Excellent Spring Break

[caption id="attachment_5194" align="alignright" width="225"] Dariush, his brother from another mother (Ben), Sophia, and Bella search for Easter Eggs.[/caption]

For the two years since Ellie passed, we have made it our tradition to travel to Pranee, the gorgeous land in the middle of Tennessee owned by my sister and family.  Having Ellie's grave site there (marked by an angel and pink crystals) seems to be only an excuse to get us to gather with family and enjoy the beauty.

At one point, Thom, my sister Susan, my nephew Dariush and Ben all went on a hike while I stayed at the Big Red Barn (our accommodations) reading a magazine while my nieces Bella and Sophia played with Lotta.  Not much of a better plan for an 8-month pregnant woman I'd say.  As they we were hiking, Dariush asked Susan, "Is this what's it's like to have a brother?"  And Susan replied she thought it probably was.  Dariush decided that he would enjoy having a brother.

[caption id="attachment_5186" align="alignleft" width="225"] Lotta poses beside Ellie's angel.[/caption]

As we were driving home, I asked everyone in the car what they most wanted to show the baby (only 4 more weeks until full term!!)  Ben responded that he most wanted to show the baby Pranee.  That's quite an endorsement from an 8-year-old.

The sign to me of a truly excellent vacation is when you are as excited to go as you are to return home.  That was most definitely the case.  Our first day home, Lotta could not stop playing with all of her toys.  She had a hard time leaving the house to go grocery shopping (one of her current favorite pastimes) as it seemed a big disruption.

Ears at the Busstop

One day this week I wore bunny ears to the bus stop.  Absolutely no reaction from Ben whatsoever.  However, the other bus stop guardians laughed and joked about my ears.  The bus driver himself laughed when he saw me.  So I figured to get a response from Ben, I needed to bump it up a notch.

The next day I arrived at the bus stop in butterfly wings.  Again, children walking home from school, pointed and smiled.  Ben got off the bus without a reaction.  I continued to don the butterfly wings.  As I was making after school snack, I caught Ben eyeing my wings.  I inquired as to whether he had noticed I'd had bunny ears on the previous day.  He responded that he had indeed noticed, he just didn't even know how to respond to it.

Seeking to Hide

[caption id="attachment_5106" align="alignright" width="225"] Her e is what Ben looks like when he is NOT amused by Lotta and her antics.[/caption]

Ben and Lotta have been very into playing hide-n-seek lately.  Lotta has one spot she continually hides in.  If you don't immediately go to that spot, she will alert you to her location.  Which although it makes for a short game, is totally fine if Lotta and I are the only two participants.  If, however, Ben is also playing, he is not amused that Lotta will make sure that I know exactly where he is right away.  Poor guy just wants to play the game properly.

Lotta has been watching a new PBS kids series called, Daniel Tiger.  It is a remake of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and explores issues relevant to a 2-year-old.  Sharing, going to bed, waiting.  There is one song in particular she enjoys from the show about trying.  Now every time I have any kind of pregnancy discomfort, Lotta will encouragingly sing that line to me, "Keep trying, you'll get better."

Today for some reason, Lotta, as she is washing her hands and rinsing out the kitchen sink, keeps yelling, "Me have no time!!"  as if she is some high powered executive without a minute spare.

Guide to Lotta words:

mold=more

daddy could be daddy or doggie

lion could be lion or could be flossing (we get tricked by this one almost every night)

ing ee= string cheese or it could mean cream cheese

Amazing how many words have the sounds she cannot yet make for example "s".

 

 

Nice to Meet You

Ben has this game he likes to play with Lotta where he sticks out his hand and says, "Nice to meet you."  Then Lotta shakes his hand.  This little scenario has provided hours of entertainment value for the two of them.  It's their thing.

A few days ago, I was finishing cleaning up downstairs and encouraged Lotta to go upstairs with Thom and Ben.  I told her, "Go upstairs and I will meet you up there when I'm finished."  As she raced towards the stairs, she yelled, "Otay, nice to meet you Mamma."

Snow Angels

[caption id="attachment_5041" align="alignleft" width="300"] Ben and Lotta mount one of the snow piles after the BIG snow storm (lotta angel dust).[/caption]

Yesterday as we were walking from the bus stop, snow was lightly falling.  Ben said that he thought the snow was special dust being thrown by the angels from the clouds.  He thought that since it was almost Ellie's birthday she wanted to give us this gift of Angel Dust.  I informed Ben that the day Ellie was born, there was a huge blizzard in Chicago, maybe that was all of Ellie's angel friends reminding her who she really was.  No new snow today on what would have been Ellie's 13th birthday, but that didn't stop us from recognizing all the gifts she has given us!  We are sucky (so lucky!!)

 

Bus Stopping

[caption id="attachment_5021" align="alignright" width="300"] Lottta (with hat on) and Ben.[/caption]

Since Lotta has given up her nap, we have, while out and about, suddenly needed to rush home to make it in time to collect Ben.  I have explained how Ben would be so sad if we weren't at the bus stop to greet him.  He would probably cry.  Yesterday, we were home, dressing ourselves for the anticipated bus.  First Lotta wanted to wear Ellie's "jilled" hat.  Then she noticed I had on my warmest hat, a bear hat given to me by one of my lovely Jennifers (thanks again, Jenny!).  Lotta decided she needed to wear her bear hat from Uncle Kippy.  Then Lotta wanted to wear mittens, so we scurried around trying to find the teeny tiny mittens that fit her hands.  Finally Lotta determined that she did not in fact want to wear a hat at all because, after all, it was not raining (I think she meant snowing here as we'd discussed how the snow can make your hair wet and you know how she feels about wet hair, she is NOT a fan.)  As I peeked out the front door, I saw the bus at the corner.  Lotta and I raced out the door in a panic.  Lotta proclaiming the whole way as she ran, "BEN WE ARE COMING!!! BEN WE ARE COMING!!"  It was such a compassionate, sweet thing to do, worried that Ben would be scared and sad, she attempted to re-assure him from up the block.

[caption id="attachment_5018" align="alignleft" width="300"] Lotta copies Ben measuring his wing span at the zoo.[/caption]

Later that afternoon, Lotta was having a melt down about markers.  She wanted to use my permanent markers, I wanted her to use her washable markers.  I was going upstairs to retrieve her markers, while Lotta was crying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. (Two-year-olds are so so excellent at the dramatic throw down and cry, I've found.)  Ben came over and said to Lotta, "Lotta do you need a Ben hug?"  Lotta replied that she did not.  Ben assured her that when she did need a hug, he would be available.  As I descended the stairs, I saw Ben carrying Lotta, as Lotta gave him a full-on, four-limbed hug (you know the kind, where you utilize the legs in the hug in addition to the more traditionally utilized arms).

Those two are such a pair!  I am completely and utterly amazed at their love and camaraderie and compassion towards one another.  I know this a rare and unique gem to have siblings, so young, adore each other so much.

A Stuart Smalley Moment

The other morning before school, I peeked downstairs to see what Ben was up to.  He was having an in depth conversation with himself in the mirror by the front door.  A highly amusing conversation at that, as a lot of laughter was taking place.   I inquired whether he needed to get his coat on for the bus.  Quickly he threw his jacket on and raced out the door.

We began a new tradition of taking an after dinner walk.  Ben loves this because now it is dark outside and it seems like a special treat to get to walk in the dark together.  Now every night it is Lotta who races immediately following dinner to put her shoes on.  And it is Ben who wonders in the afternoon whether or not we will be taking our evening constitutional.  During one of these nights, Ben suddenly exclaimed how happy he was that we had had Lotta because he would have been highly lonely after Ellie died.  I had to concur.

Another day last week, I suddenly heard Ben yell, "Lotta this is NOT a joke!" as he tore through the house.  Then the whole downstairs exploded with laughter and giggles as Ben continued to chase Lotta around the house.

[caption id="attachment_4977" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bet you did not know you could go on a Space Shuttle ride in Slater, Missouri!"][/caption]

At Ben's most recent dental visit, he was, once again, super excited about the FREE toy he would receive after the visit.  Last time he was given two toys because he'd done so well and he was quite sure he could outdo his previous performance.  When the dental hygienist opened the treasure box, Ben chose a golden ring with a pink stone.  I was a little surprised as he had been collecting horses from their stash, but knew, most likely he had a plan.  When we arrived home, he would not let Lotta play with his new sparkly jewel.  He inquired whether I thought it was real gold.  He looked disappointed when I told him probably not.  Then he inquired whether the stone was real.  Again, a look of disappointment as I explained that, no in fact, they were not giving away precious jewels at the dentist.  I think he'd had plans to sell that ring and become rich.  Suddenly, Lotta's wish came true and she had herself a brand new ring.

 

 

Messy

[caption id="attachment_4953" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Thom, Ben and Lotta at this amazing park in Slater."][/caption]

I hadn't seen my Uncle Rick (my mom's brother) since before I started having children.  And I always liked him a great deal, he has such a sweet smile and wonderful laugh.  So when we were invited to his wedding, I jumped at the opportunity.   I mean how many times do you get married the third time--only once!  At my uncle's first wedding (in the same church) I was flower girl.  I was Lotta's age and I got on all fours and began barking like a dog.  My mom said I'd never done that before it was quite a surprise. When I professed my interest in attending the wedding, my mom, Moffat and Kirk all bought plane tickets to attend the wedding also.

As the weekend approached, I became highly reluctant about the trip.  I was worried about Lotta's ability to stay in the car for days of traveling (it is an almost 8 hour trip each way from Madison to Slater, MO the wedding location).  Not a task that is a top choice for 2-year-olds.  Ben and Thom were not feeling exceptionally well, having caught the cold Lotta and I had had the week before.  So many factors to consider, so many balls to juggle.  I kept working and re-working all the plans in my head trying to figure out a way to make it all work.  I felt like canceling the entire trip.  But now 3 people had bought plane tickets, inspired by our desire to attend the wedding.  A lot of pressure.

After numerous hours of contemplation, I finally arrived at a plan that felt do-able and fun.  We would drive to

[caption id="attachment_4955" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben playing at the park."][/caption]

Normal, Illinois on Friday where the kids and I would ride the Amtrak to St. Louis.  There was an Amtrak sale going on from Chicago to St. Louis, so we could take advantage of that without adding any time to the trip.  Both kids love the train and it would allow Lotta the opportunity to stand and walk around, again without adding time to our trip.  We arrived in St. Louis in the early afternoon, picked up at the train station by Thom, who had had 3 hours alone in the car to listen to his book.  We stayed the night in O'Fallon with Thom's mom (his dad was fishing).  We had an ever so lovely visit with her.  We were able to relax and recover and connect with Nancy, making us ready to embark on the next leg of our journey on Saturday.

Another concern I'd had was spending the day in Slater, where there is not a lot to do.  We arrived at lunchtime and met up with my mom, Moffat, Kirk and John, a family friend who'd been kind enough to drive them.  We went to this diner that had a "pizza" sign in the window, exactly what Ben was in the mood for.  When we tried to order pizza, however, we were told that no one around those parts ate pizza for lunch so they

[caption id="attachment_4954" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Mom and I at the diner in Slater."][/caption]

never turned on the pizza oven until afternoon.  When I ordered a vanilla shake, I was informed they were out of vanilla ice cream, but I could have a strawberry or chocolate.  It felt as if I should ask them what they DID have rather than referring to the menu I had been handed.  All-in-all, it was the perfect place to take in the local flavor.

The whole day was absolutely wonderful, I never felt as if the time were dragging as I'd feared when planning the trip.  My mom took us on a tour around Slater where we visited the Statue of Liberty (who knew it was in Slater, MO?!?) We saw her childhood home and her school.  We went to the graveyard and my mom explained how our family were some of the first settlers to come to Slater from Kentucky.  In the cemetery, we saw a flagpole that had been resurrected in honor of my grandfather who was a prisoner of war.

When we arrived in the church, I saw that a beautiful ribbon was dividing the bride's side from

[caption id="attachment_4956" align="alignleft" width="223" caption="Ben blowing bubbles after the wedding."][/caption]

the groom's side, and not one person was sitting on the groom's side.  Our group made a point of spreading out to plump up the section.  Made me glappy (glad happy) that we'd made the trip.

At the reception, Thom decided that the way to make people in this part of Missouri nervous was to ask what the vegetarian option was.  Not available I think would have been the response.  The food was delicious and there was plenty of meat for everyone.  We stayed in a lovely hotel on Saturday night an hour's drive away, in the direction of home.  Ben's favorite part of the hotel, besides the indoor pool, was getting to have the breakfast buffet twice

Sunday, our drive home had magical moments.  We decided we wanted to stop for lunch before Lotta fell asleep.  We wanted to find a pizza place since we had not been able to procure pizza the day before.  We got off at the most promising exit.  I looked up and there was a family restaurant with a "pizza" sign in the window, and in Iowa, apparently, people consume pizza during the lunchtime hour.  We had a surprisingly delicious lunch the whole thing unfolding perfectly.

Upon reflection, I've thought of how when you are in the middle of creating an art project, things can get messy.  Puddles of paint may be splattered about.  Right in the middle you might think everything is ruined, you should just throw that canvas away and start over.  But then, you keep going and suddenly realize you have a accomplished what you set out to.  You know that it was all worth it.  I am just hopeful that the next time I am in the middle of creating something in my life, I will remember that sometimes things get messy in the midst of planning, but ultimately, if I am able to keep on, it will all be worth it.  This trip was most certainly more than I expected, an opportunity for adventure and reconnection with family.

Whatever you do do NOT panic

On our trip to Chicago this summer, we ventured to Navy Pier to visit our all time favorite children's museum.  Outside in the middle of a a square was a fountain which Ben desperately wanted to run through, as was being demonstrated by a gaggle of kids.  After years of parenting, we have learned this is the activity to do AFTER accomplishing all other activities.  Definitely a valuable lesson.

At the appointed time, Lotta and Ben were wholeheartedly playing in the fountain, while Thom and I sat on a bench entertained.  A couple of times Lotta would run to a different side of the square and look up, seeing a different set of adults sitting on benches watching.  She would begin to panic and yell, "Mama, Dada!"  At the same time, Thom and I could see her, and we would be yelling, "Lotta, we are over here!"  She was so busy yelling however, she could not here us.

It reminded me of how I think about my "invisible friends" (angels, spirit guides, ancestors, God) that surround me giving me all the help I could ever need.  But when I am in a panic, I can't hear their calls.  It's not that they aren't there it is that I cannot hear them.  I guess I feel like right now is my opportunity to pay attention to those voices, particularly that voice that I identify as Ellie's.  Somehow continuing to develop a relationship with her even while I can no longer see her.  Maybe in some circles that makes me crazy, listening to the "voices in my head" or my "invisible friends".  Guess I don't run in those circles.  Oh well.

Train Riding

Last weekend we took the Amtrak from Normal, Illinois to St. Louis, Missouri.  Lotta and Ben were SUPER SUPER excited.  The thing that struck me about the whole trip was how incredibly contrasting the train passengers were.  For example, when Lotta and Ben and I walked to the snack bar, several passengers, looked up from their seats utterly gleaming at us.  It felt as if we were friends.  Not just a friendly smile, but as if they wanted us to stay and chat for awhile.  I felt like asking, not just, "Do I know you?"  but "Are we related?"  That was how incredibly friendly they were.  Then there was the opposite extreme.  Passengers and/or workers who were just grump-ity grump grump. Like the woman sitting in front of us who kept turning around to glare at my children as they talked in their indoor voices.   I guess I am spoiled living in Madison where so many others are as entertained by my children or at least act as though they are.  Won't even air my grievances here because it seems petty and mean.  It was a bit confusing having such vivid extremes side-by-side.

The most exciting part of the whole train trip was walking to the snack bar for lunch.  We'd bought lunch at a deli to take as a picnic, however, Ben was not pleased with his selection.  It tasted funny to him as new things sometimes do in a 7-year-old mouth.  I knew it would be a loooong train ride if he were hungry so we set off to see what Amtrak had to offer.  The gentleman serving up snacks was, once again, highly highly friendly.  Not fake friendly.  Sincerely so (he could moonlight at Trader Joe's if he wanted seriously).  Ben enthusiastically proclaimed the train hot dogs as one of the best he'd had.

We had expected the train we were on to have an observation train and a snack car and be a double decker, as the train that pulled up right before ours was.  Unfortunately, we were a single level with no observation car, making traveling through the train repeatedly offering up only the very slightest of entertainment value.  About half way through the trip, Ben became boredom.  I was feeling slightly bored myself and wasn't much help.  The backpack I'd packed for our enjoyment had lasted about 15 minutes of our 3 hour train ride.  The couple sitting in front of us de-boarded and I allowed Ben to move to that seat, while Lotta traversed back and forth between the two sets of seats.  To overcome his boredom, the rest of the train ride, Ben sat propped up against the window, just looking.  Noticing how the sky was getting darker with rain, noticing every single hawk, and the highlight--a couple of turkeys in a field.  I was once again amazed at how Ben was able to turn his fun button on and transform a disappointing, joy-less ride into something spectacular.