[/caption]Last week was our vacation to Faith's Lodge, a retreat center for families who have lost a child. Our trip last year was magical, we loved it. It is so thoughtfully set up, there is a craft's room, a library, a communal kitchen and dining room. Almost all meals are provided.
We arrived on Thursday afternoon and were ushered to our room. I envisioned us being in the same room we were in last year, that didn't happen. That was fine, until the manager told us that we had no bathtub and that the lodge was completely booked. In my head, I immediately thought that this was a deal-breaker for me. The day before Lotta and Ben had taken THREE baths together (partially to counteract the heat, partially because they adore baths). And one of their favorite parts of being on vacation is taking a hotel bath (they pretend it is their own private pool). The first year you attend Faith's Lodge it is $25 a night, the second year it is $120 a night. While it sounds petty, if I am
[caption id="attachment_4780" align="alignright" width="225" caption="At the most amazing aquarium"]
[/caption]paying $120 a night I just expect to have a bathtub. There was a part of me that kept insisting that I go with the flow, look for what I like, etc etc And another part of me just felt bummed.
Honestly being a part of a group of bereaved families, not a group I want to belong to. (Probably there isn't anyone who actually wants to belong to this group. This is not saying there was anything at all wrong with the lovely families who were at the Lodge.) There I said it out loud. Doesn't make me look especially good I know. I feel like I have finally reached the space with Ellie where we are establishing our relationship now. One of the benefits of Faith's Lodge is being able to openly talk about your child who has died. Some of the families the death had occurred very recently, so it was all still really raw. I just felt uncomfortable at this point re-hashing all the details of Ellie's life. Sure there are times I want to talk about her life, but it felt as if I were being forced to talk about her life when I was not in the space to do so.
Early Friday morning (3am) I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I got up and started looking at Hotwire for an alternative hotel room. I found a 4 star hotel in downtown Minneapolis (2 hours away) with an indoor pool. After everyone else woke up, I discussed this possibility. I told the manager that we just really needed a bathtub, and that I knew in the big scheme of things this was lame. (I totally get that not having a bathtub in the face of families losing a child is lame. ) She agreed it was lame. Which was awkward, but I forged ahead none-the-less.
[caption id="attachment_4781" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta loves this aquarium!"]
[/caption]We went and ate breakfast and took a walk. It was supposed to rain. The sky had a cloud show for us that was more magnificent than any I've ever witnessed. The sky actually looked like the sea, waves of dark gray rolling over one another. Unbelievable. One of my intentions this year was to see amazing things I've never seen before. I thought this meant going to places I've never been. How surprising to realize I can go to the same location and see something incredibly spectacular and novel. Alas, I did not bother taking any pictures because I knew our craptacular camera would not in any way capture the splendor before us. (Thank you camera for all the pictures you have taken! I don't wanna make her mad and have her stop taking photos all together!)
As we were departing, I reconnected with the manager. She said that she actually could use our room because more guests were arriving that evening and they were going to have to sleep on air mattresses, but now, they could sleep in our space. It all worked out perfectly for everyone.
Upon arriving in Minneapolis, we went and had lunch at the Mall of America. This mall is crazy. It feels like a place you should really experience some time in your life time, not a place that you might necessarily choose, but you should experience it nevertheless. Afterwards we walked through the indoor amusement park to get to the aquarium. Yes, you read that right,
[caption id="attachment_4782" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Ben checks out the sharks swimming above his head."]
[/caption]there is an aquarium (a really truly amazing one) AND an amusement park in the mall itself. We decided rather than spend money on the rides, which were a bit big for our kids anyway, we would take advantage of our kid's favorite (and FREE!) mall rides--the escalators and elevators.
The next day we went to Como Park in St Paul which has a FREE zoo, conservatory and a small amusement park. The best part of that experience for the kids was the shuttle ride on a bus painted to look like a zebra. The best part for me was the restaurant which had the best bean burger I've ever eaten plus some Green Tea to help me carry on.
Ben's favorite part of the whole trip was swimming in the hotel swimming pool. I just love watching him, he's so proud of himself. Somehow when he's in the water, he looks younger, more vulnerable. He constantly wants my approval for his water tricks. Which has encouraged Lotta to come up with her own
[caption id="attachment_4783" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Eating lunch at the zoo."]
[/caption]water tricks, like jumping at you from the side after saying, "Ready" (where the "set go" went, I'll never know). Thom's favorite part was the Aquarium tunnel you walked through with lots of shark swimming all around you (the closest we'll get to scuba diving with them here in the Midwest).
My favorite part was not settling. Realizing we wanted something different from our vacation and setting about creating it. I mean it feels wange (weirdly strange) when something that was so very perfect for us last summer felt so very wrong for us this summer. Like trying to wear a favorite sweater that was shrunk in the dryer. Sadly, it just doesn't feel (or look) right anymore. I guess the challenge at times is figuring out when to make the best of things and go with the flow and when to decide to create something different. This time it was fairly simple because I knew from the way I was feeling that something needed to change. I truly loved the contrast of being north woods beautiful natural Wisconsin to being in a high rise glamorous hotel in an urban setting. It was a truly remarkable experience and absolute perfection.
((((Debi)))) Hugs to y'all from Louisiana! I completely get your whole post....Claire and Neil often ask if we can go back to Faith's Lodge, and I don't really have a concrete explanation of why that would not be a good idea. Andrew agrees with me, and also can't really explain why. I think all of us agree that last year was magical. We had the most amazing trip our family has ever had. We visited so many wonderful places, saw some beautiful sights, made wonderful new friends (including you guys!), and visited some dear friends on the way home. Our time at the lodge was healing, and well, magical! Remember the rainbow? I just have this gut feeling that there is nothing that could top it, and that we can never go back...literally or figuratively.
ReplyDeleteI understand about sometimes not being in a place where you can "do" the bereaved parent thing. Unfortunately, it is a big part of who I am, but it is not everything I am, and I can't always "go there" either. Grief drains me and sometimes renders me incapable of doing what I need to do for my family, and I am in a place now that I can put it off sometimes, especially if I am in a good space. We went to the session with the social worker last year, and I wished we hadn't. I was so wrung out when it was over, I could barely walk. I remember right after Vivian died, and people kept mentioning Compassionate Friends, and Bereaved Parents of the US, and I thought "there is no way I can walk into a room full of people who feel the same way I do." I knew why after that meeting. I have some co-dependent tendencies, and I just felt like I took on everyone else in the room's pain, besides my own, all at the same time, and it is just unbearable for me. It was a completely different experience than when we were just hanging out with all of you guys, talking about our children--ALL of our children--and sharing the happy and the sad stories. But the social worker session was completely different.
And I completely understand the no tub thing! I guess once people no longer have little kids, they just can't understand the importance of a tub! I never even take showers myself, only baths, in my huge tub, always with Alden, and often Neil jumps in too. Bathing Alden in a shower would have resulted in a screaming jag that the whole lodge would have heard! It's ok for maybe one or two nights, like when we go camping, but not longer than that :-(
I am so glad you went with your gut and shifted gears, and the vacation turned out well after all.
Much love,
Lisa McAlister
Wow! Lisa thank you for sharing that!!! I thought as I was writing the blog how I shouldn't write that this is a group I don't want to belong and a little part of myself felt as if someone would read it and "get it" so I decided to not edit that out. I think you really hit it when you said that grieving is a part of who you are but not all of who you are and maybe that is what I resist. This fantasy in my head that bereaved families would all be sitting around in a circle crying. Which was totally not we experienced last year at Faith's Lodge, as you pointed out, there was a sharing about ALL of our children, the sadness, the funniness, all of it. Thanks again, Lisa.
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