[/caption]Recently, I was reading how Gloria Steinam was on a bus once and saw a huge turtle near the road. Concerned over the turtle's safety, with the help of some of the passengers, she carried the turtle to a safer spot. Later someone informed her that the turtle was probably coming near the road to lay eggs and that it may have taken the turtle 6 months to climb that far. The lesson she took from the experience was that to make sure the person/animal you are offering assistance to actually wants/needs your assistance.
Recently I was in Trader Joe's with Ben working through some "chip issues'. He wanted to try some chips, I did not want to take another bag of chips home that I was almost certain he would not consume. Anyway, an older gentleman kept coming over to talk with us. Which was challenging enough because I was trying to hurry through the store and get off of my sore toe without being rude to him, because he really seemed like he needed some companionship. When he saw Ben and I having our moment of working through, he started trying to "help" by telling Ben he was going to have to learn to follow orders before starting kindergarten. And by applauding my efforts at saying "no", which was not really what was happening anyway. Ben and I were trying to come up with a solution that was agreeable to both of us, which is the goal that I am always striving for in my family. My vision if you will. Anyway. The thought went through my mind, "Please don't help me right now!!" just as Ben said out loud, "I hope we never see him again."
[caption id="attachment_2713" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ben experiments with drool at an earlier age."]
[/caption]Or Friday morning when Ben tried an experiment to see what would happen when he pushed the water button on the fridge without a cup underneath (water sprays all over the floor). I asked Ben if he could please clean it up, because he loves being a helper, he was totally willing to jump in and wipe up the mess. But then the home health nurse started saying something about what a mess, you really have to clean that up, etc. I know she was trying to be helpful, but I could tell that this line of discussion was going to turn Ben OFF to helping out. It reminded me of when a toddler says, "I want to do it myself" or my more adult version, "Please don't help me!!" Maybe my real frustration in both situations was with myself in not feeling able or knowing how to just ask both adults to leave us be.
Which brings me to the conundrum (one of Ellie's favorite words) how do you know when to jump in and help and when to step back and allow others to work it through. I mean because at times it is wonderful when someone jumps in and does something unexpected (for example, when Lainie dropped off bread from our favorite bread company or when she folded laundry as she watched the kids or when Nancy and Gene vacuumed the whole house rather than just the rugs downstairs). And during our hospital stays, the people that were the most helpful were the ones who said, "I am making you dinner and bringing it over Tuesday". Or "I can take Ben on Thursday to the park." Or the nursing assistant who just jumped in and started helping me clean up after a big poop blow out was exceedingly more helpful than the nursing assistant who walked into the room and stood watching me rush around cleaning up until I specifically asked her to help. So in those situations it was actually the people who were able to jump in with assistance that were the more helpful than people who would just say, "How can I help?" which tended to leave us both feeling a bit overwhelmed.
[caption id="attachment_2722" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Baby Ben and Ellie the first time she underwent chemo."]
[/caption]A few months ago, my Zumba buddy described us as being "Haiti", in that we had all of these people jumping in to give us assistance during Ellie's hospital stays. Maybe as a local Haiti, I need to be able to speak up and say when something is helpful and when it is not (be more like I imagine Betty White would be). As a helper, maybe it's only offering assistance when you feel inspired to do so. Or perhaps it is about really paying attention and noticing when assistance would be the most useful. I don't really have an answer to the question, just something I have been pondering. Like that 80s song, "Things that make you go hmmm..."
Oh I so relate!! Yet, I know I'm a culprit on both sides of the coin. On the one side - I am an often an avid "do not help me" kind of gal. In fact, I'll go so far as to think someone is in essence telling me that I can't handle it on my own if they think that I need help. (yeah, I know, I can take it a bit far...)
ReplyDeleteThen, I know there was an example last weekend with my husband's grandma where she was struggling to adjust a pillow behind her back and I was initially doing my "don't fawn all over people in case they don't want help" thing, then I could see she clearly needed help. So, I asked and she said it'd be great. Then I got into feeling great and helpful and later that day did 2 things to help her and could tell immediately that they were not what she found to be helpful. Darn! I had to turn off the need to jump in and help.
What I appreciated about your comment, Amy, is how complicated the issue can be. I mean you were attempting to assist the same person on the same day with varying results. I guess there are no easy answers to this conundrum. Still makes me go, "hmmm."
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