Out on the raw and ragged edge of nothingness. Fighting a battle I won't win. A battle against time. A battle against an unseen enemy. A battle that comes for us all too soon in every single case. That is where I stand. Or maybe standing takes too much energy. So maybe I could lie down instead. This little person who has been with me for 10 years, close to 11. Sending her alone into the unknown. Oh how I wish I could protect her, hold her hand, hold her, talk to her let her know that I will always be with her no matter what form she is in. She is a part of me, I am a part of her. Will it ever feel right? Can I squeeze appreciation out of every single second that she has left with me in this physical form? Can I give her permission to go? Will she stay if I ask nicely? Will she go if I release her from the contract from this body that is letting her down? How will I possibly come into this room again when her body is no longer here? How can I possibly ask her to stay when she can no longer do the things she loves? Is this really happening? It all seems so surreal. As I stare into the abyss, so many more questions flow than answers. This beautiful flower whose bloom is wilting. Those big brown eyes, so filled with love and curiosity and wonder. How will I endure a day without seeing them? Will I be able to endure the emptiness that she will leave behind?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Emptiness
Another seizure yesterday afternoon. More sleeping. No talking.
Out on the raw and ragged edge of nothingness. Fighting a battle I won't win. A battle against time. A battle against an unseen enemy. A battle that comes for us all too soon in every single case. That is where I stand. Or maybe standing takes too much energy. So maybe I could lie down instead. This little person who has been with me for 10 years, close to 11. Sending her alone into the unknown. Oh how I wish I could protect her, hold her hand, hold her, talk to her let her know that I will always be with her no matter what form she is in. She is a part of me, I am a part of her. Will it ever feel right? Can I squeeze appreciation out of every single second that she has left with me in this physical form? Can I give her permission to go? Will she stay if I ask nicely? Will she go if I release her from the contract from this body that is letting her down? How will I possibly come into this room again when her body is no longer here? How can I possibly ask her to stay when she can no longer do the things she loves? Is this really happening? It all seems so surreal. As I stare into the abyss, so many more questions flow than answers. This beautiful flower whose bloom is wilting. Those big brown eyes, so filled with love and curiosity and wonder. How will I endure a day without seeing them? Will I be able to endure the emptiness that she will leave behind?
Out on the raw and ragged edge of nothingness. Fighting a battle I won't win. A battle against time. A battle against an unseen enemy. A battle that comes for us all too soon in every single case. That is where I stand. Or maybe standing takes too much energy. So maybe I could lie down instead. This little person who has been with me for 10 years, close to 11. Sending her alone into the unknown. Oh how I wish I could protect her, hold her hand, hold her, talk to her let her know that I will always be with her no matter what form she is in. She is a part of me, I am a part of her. Will it ever feel right? Can I squeeze appreciation out of every single second that she has left with me in this physical form? Can I give her permission to go? Will she stay if I ask nicely? Will she go if I release her from the contract from this body that is letting her down? How will I possibly come into this room again when her body is no longer here? How can I possibly ask her to stay when she can no longer do the things she loves? Is this really happening? It all seems so surreal. As I stare into the abyss, so many more questions flow than answers. This beautiful flower whose bloom is wilting. Those big brown eyes, so filled with love and curiosity and wonder. How will I endure a day without seeing them? Will I be able to endure the emptiness that she will leave behind?
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