[/caption]The day I have been dreading has come to pass. Ellie went to play with her angel friends early this morning at 6:34. I am so fortunate to have been surrounded by people I love all morning. Last night was one of the hardest of my life. At around 1 am, Ellie's breathing became even more difficult, it sounded as if she were drowning. Strangely, I did not feel as if she needed me by her side right then, it felt instead as if most of her were already gone. It was as if her body had been fighting so long and so hard to live that it reflexively kept going even after she'd left. I kept having the wondering, "Could I BE in this moment?" That THIS too was part of what Ellie came to do. Because every ounce of me wanted to be anywhere else besides hearing her struggle to breathe like that. I looked outside her bedroom window at the total stillness. So strange that the day she was born was a huge blizzard in Chicago. I tried to meditate (which I am highly highly unskilled at as my mind is typically way way too busy) I tried to think of things I appreciated. It was excruciating to hear. Finally after about 2 hours, I threw a pillow at Thom (who was sleeping on a mattress beside her bed) and asked if he was really truly able to sleep through all of that noise. Apparently he could, but a pillow at the head was the key to his wakefulness. He readjusted her in bed and we gave her more morphine, just in case. And probably mostly to make ME feel more comfortable. When Thom woke up at 6, he went and took a shower, I stayed in bed nursing Lotta. All of a sudden, it was quiet. I waited because she had been skipping breaths all night long. I went over to Ellie's body and looked. She was no longer breathing. Ben ran into the room with all of his Ben energy asking if I could come downstairs with him. When he went to get Thom, he told Betsy that Ellie was not breathing and that meant she had died.
[caption id="attachment_3393" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie around birthday number 2."]
[/caption]All this dying process has been just like Ellie's life so much MORE than I ever expected. More laughter, more pain, more frustration, more love, more peace, more discomfort. As we stood downstairs this morning, Betsy commented how what surprised her was how suddenly quiet it is today. Maybe quiet both from Ellie being physically gone and quiet from Ellie being still with us, in a larger way. That still small comforting quiet, rather than the big void kind of quiet.
Yesterday Betsy and I were discussing how the number 13 is such a spiritual number. As you may or may not know, today is January 13th--13 days until Ellie's birthday on January 26th (which Betsy pointed out is 13 twice). We just thought that was kinda fun to recognize all the 13s it seems Ellie has chosen.
I am sure I will have more to write later. Everything seems so surreal right now as I glide through this first day without Ellie here in her physical form. As her body lay in her bed before she was taken away, I suddenly had the thought that now, finally, Ellie is at peace and feeling good. She would be wondering why all of us are making such a fuss when she is feeling so blissed out.
[caption id="attachment_3395" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie around her 3rd Birthday."]
[/caption]Ellie's 4th grade special education teacher, Molly Pettit sent this beautiful e-mail to me this morning and I had to share it with you all.
Debi and Thom-
I am not Ellie’s parent and can’t even imagine what your family is going through right now, but as a mother, I have tried to bring myself solace with these thoughts and thought I’d share them with you.
Obviously, I have no idea what Heaven is like, but believe that there is a place where your soul goes when you die. I am not sure I believe it’s the place pictured in movies and storybooks with clouds, harps and angels, but think it instead might be a place of your own making. Your very own Utopia.
Recently, I have imagined Ellie’s Heaven. I think her Heaven is a place where a little girl can be be healthy and free. Free of all that ails her. A place where she can run without having to worry about tripping and/or falling, a place where peeling crayons isn’t her biggest obsession because she’s able to do so much more, a place where she enjoys eating chocolate chip cookies (who wouldn’t) but much to her mother’s delight likes veggies too! A place where the possibilities are endless because she’s no longer limited in any way.
I picture her surrounded by all her books. She’s busily reciting the pages she knows by heart, reading the words or just counting the pages. She’s wearing yellow, orange and pink. (Looking very fancy of course!) Without pause, she’s creating new words to share with those around her. Thank you so much for sharing Ellie with us. Not just at Marquette, but allowing us at the hospital and opening your home to us so we could be a part of her life in the end. It was a pleasure being her teacher last year. I will forever remember her warm smile, resilience and her care and thought she displayed for those around her. I have a feeling that right now she’s saying “Durry (don’t + worry) everyone, I’m doing just fine!”
Thinking of you all! Love, Molly Pettit
Oh, I LOVELOVELOVE that photo of Thom & Ellie!
ReplyDeleteI sent this JUST AS you were posting:
Debi,
Thank you for inviting me to come by today. I feel so lucky.
I forgot to tell you that Caitlyn chose to wear leggings from Ellie today. They are her favorite. I already had them mended once and, as she put them on today, I saw I need to patch the knee.
I just put on Max & Ruby for Caitlyn, one of the shows Ellie introduced us to.
Do you feel a bit like you are walking on air? I do. I felt that way after my dad died. It seems to me they take part of us with them on their journey and that is why we feel light on earth. Also, a part of them seeps into us right away-their spirit, don't you think?
Dropping dinner off around 5:15pm.
Thinking of all of you, Cynthia
I feel as if that photo of Thom & Ellie is moving, like I could step right into it and be there with them! Maybe on another plane of existence, it is true.
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