[/caption]Someone said to me recently, "You must feel so lost." It so perfectly summed up how I felt. Disoriented and lost is how I have been feeling. And then to add to the disorientation is the feeling that many people who know about Ellie feel uncomfortable around me. That has the unfortunate effect of making me want to help them to be more comfortable which then makes them feel even MORE uncomfortable. "O jeez the grieving mom is trying to make ME feel better! That is NOT the way this is supposed to happen." It feels like people are afraid to use any derivation of the word "dead" around me right now. No "deadlines"or "dead zones". "Dead ends" are right out too. Everyone falling all over themselves searching for the "right" thing to say when there absolutely is no right thing. Yet it is challenging to give up searching desperately for that magic word that will make the grieving one feel better.
When Dr. Hsu told me in the hospital that it seemed like Ellie was showing end of life signs, I immediately began to cry. He stood and listened, being powerfully present. He didn't try to convince me to feel any other way than the way I was feeling. He just stood with me. It was so powerful. He allowed me to have my moment of grief and disappointment and despair. Without interrupting. He did not try to cheer me up. He did not try to console me. And it was so powerful. Now as I am faced with my own grief and those around me, I constantly strive to be in that space of allowing. It seems so simple, yet it is so difficult at times.
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