"You're not in trouble"

[caption id="attachment_3096" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Budda Ben"][/caption]

We have officially signed on with Hospice Care.  This means that our doctor believes Ellie has 6 months or less.  We are now moving more into a phase of managing symptoms and providing comfort.  One of the things I have been pondering, is how can I make this time frame as amazingly spectacular as her life has been? Filled with love, humor, tears, authenticity, joy. I force myself to focus on right now and not thrust myself into the future.  A future where Ellie is no longer with us physically.  How can I allow myself to feel the weight of that and at the same time fully experience the time we have left?  I keep thinking how letting go is something we parents begin to do from the very first moment we hold our children.  There are moments right now where I do feel so connected and tuned into all that surrounds me that this seems totally possible.  Other moments not so much.

Another lesson from my dad:

I thought of another Ellie lesson that I have not yet seen anyone mention.  That is of her wonderful ability to take whatever you say and tell you that "It's OK you won't get in trouble with me".  The more I consider how wonderful that outlook is the more I am amazed at my granddaughter.  Love you dad