Sloppy

Yesterday I fixed myself a taco salad and sat down to eat.  As I put the first forkful in my mouth, Thom sat down at the other end of the table.  I realized half forkful had not actually made it into my mouth.  Instead of covering my mouth, or quickly slurping up the lettuce, as I would in normal times, I just let it slowly advance into my mouth.  It took awhile.  Perhaps the chewing was just making me tired.  I guess I am also not used to being watched while I eat lunch.  That is what 25 years of marriage gets you, the chance to eat grossly in front of another person without them leaving.  I think, though, it is a testament to Thom himself that he was amused by my eating rather than disgusted.

Saturday night, Benja stood by the back door with his face mask on, waiting for someone to walk by so he could scare them.  I walked by with a load of laundry heading to the laundry room.  I clocked that he was by the back door, but I had no reaction.  After several minutes, I realized, I was supposed to respond to a strange man standing by the back door.  I think I had already used up my cortisol (stress hormone) for the day, you know, just with regular every day news. 

Today is Thom's 50th birthday.  It feels sort of like the year Ellie died, trying to figure out how to celebrate amidst 214,000 deaths in the US (a death rate considered low due to lack of testing).  This morning when Lotta raced downstairs before Thom.  She looked around at the cluttered table, and floor filled with Barbie toys, and declared, "Why does it look so plain down here?"  To which I raced to the scary scary basement to retrieve birthday balloons, a sign, and crowns.  (Say what you will about the spooky basement, but it rarely disappoints in having what we need.) That's the thing, even amidst feeling completely defeated by this pandemic, I still have children that require me to carry on and celebrate what needs to be celebrated.  I'm lucky that way.  

As I sprinted through the grocery store this morning, I came upon a young woman and a child.  The woman was just completely loving on that little girl, giving her hugs and kisses.  They were really relishing each other.  I had to take several deep breaths to stop myself from sobbing in the face of such gratitude and love.  I am using them today as my role models of how to really truly cherish this time we have together.  Because no matter what, today we have eachother.