[/caption]Contemplating Ben's question about wanting my memories of Ellie erased in order to not feel the pain put me in the mindset of appreciating all the ways Ellie has enhanced my life. The other night as I passed Ellie's bedroom, I stood for a moment and basked in the appreciation of how much more extraordinary my life is because of her. Several nights since then, I have stopped, and whispered, "Thank you, Ellie" as I pass by. I am so not the same person I was pre-Ellie. My life is so incredibly better, richer, more profound than it ever was before.
One friend recently shared how it took her a year to develop a relationship with her father after he passed away. I liked thinking of it that way, continuing my relationship with Ellie, just in a different format. I have also appreciated all the friends who have shared with me the ways Ellie reveals
herself. One friend keeps a photo of Ellie on her desk at work as a reminder to stay focused on what is important, to not let the insignificant things stress her. The photo is the one (taken by Uncle Kippy of course) where Ellie is looking up at the sky, as if she is gazing upon her angelic friends. Another friend went gambling with Ellie and kept winning $13, until the very end of her evening when she won enough money to buy a plane ticket for an upcoming trip. So it would seem it is not just me developing a new relationship with Ellie.My house has been MESSY almost continuously all summer. Typically this would drive me crazy (and it has been). Just the other day I thought how all this mess is a sign that we have been having a whole lot of fun this summer. Soon enough my house will be clean and tidy once more. And much quieter. It made me appreciate the mess. And I know it is possible to have a kiddo and a clean house (I'm talking about YOU Cynthia!) I just haven't figured it out myself. Yet.
[caption id="attachment_4056" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="The best of all!"]
[/caption]Finally, I have been thinking of redefining regret. Utilizing regret as an opportunity to create something new. Rather than getting stuck in feeling guilty and bad about what was done, punishing myself, thinking of the regret as part of my journey, part of my becoming. Last week, I was contemplating how I wish I had had more fun with Ellie, particularly in the last year. She was such an easy laugh. She adored a good joke. I wished that I had taken more advantage of that. I wasn't feeling that thought in a depressing way, just in a way to utilize going forward. Then a couple of nights ago we were playing a family dinner game and Thom said something silly. Ben started laughing so hard that he seemed startled by his own mirth. I was amazed that my wish came true so quickly.
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