Shocking!

It is astonishing to me how shocking death is.  This week I was searching for a photo of Ben.  I came across one with Ellie's friend Izzy in the hallway with her mom (which now I cannot seem to locate, when I do I will put it in this blog).  I wondered for a moment if it was after Ellie passed, then the next photo there was a very grumpy Ellie pictured.  It took my breath away.  She was ALIVE then, I could hold her, touch her, talk to her, hear her.  We weren't even thinking about her death.  We did not know what lay ahead, so soon.  I yearned for that time once again.  It is shocking to me how shocking it is.  Makes me mad.  Because I never expected Ellie to live to junior high (seriously who of us would choose to stick around for that?)  So why I am so surprised now she is gone?  Is it just my mind absorbing this information slowly?

Occasionally, I will tell a stranger about Ellie and the stranger will look at me with pity.  Which makes me want to shout, "No!!!  You don't get it!  I had the privilege of getting 11 years with an angel!"  Other times as is the custom, someone will ask me how I am doing.  You know, just as a courtesy.  I want to shout, "My daughter is dead!  Nothing makes sense."  Instead, I say, "Fine."

A couple of readers have marveled at my ability to see Ellie's magic everywhere.  How really the magic is there, and we so often miss it.  Frequently I hear a voice in my head shouting, "Show me a sign!!!  Don't leave me here feeling all alone!"  Then I wait for them.  And suddenly, everywhere I look there is Ellie magic.  That's my secret.

Lots of shouting in my head this blog.  Makes me seem a bit wonky.