Dawn of a New Day

So Ben has been outta school for about a week and a half now.  It has been challenging adjusting to having his "Ben-ness" around the house all the time, where before his "Ben-ness" would go to school for a large portion of the day.  Anyway.  I have found myself, while in the midst of my own slow moving, murky grief, quite shocked at the LOUDNESS of it all.  And, I must admit, that I have been quite grumpy and frustrated and impatient with the little guy.

Then yesterday he came home from his morning enrichment classes and he completely and thoroughly lost it.  After school melt down is what I typically define this as.  But this time it was more than that.  So much more.  I knew that everything but everything needed to be set aside to handle this sudden tornado of emotions.  It was like a very LOUD Zen alarm clock.  STOP NOW AND PAY ATTENTION.  He tries so hard.  And he is so adept at reading my emotions.  I cannot fake it with him.  He was suddenly an angry, screaming, throwing, fighting machine.  I stopped.  I listened.  I heard how he also has so many mixed-up crazy feelings right now.  I mean first Thom and I are wistfully missing Ellie.  Then we spend most of our time taking care of Lotta, because she is a baby and she needs us to.  Where does that leave Ben?  As the day was rolling to its conclusion yesterday, we sat talking at the dining room table.  He told me that he had heard of one marine reptile that lived during the dinosaur times.  When the mother reptile had a new baby, she forced her older child to leave.  Wow!  I thought that is exactly how he is feeling, like the reptile that is pushed out.

So today I am determined to notice all those wonderful things I love about Ben.  His exuberance.  His creativity.  His love of Lotta.  His intelligence.  His joi de vivre.  His story telling.  His incredible stores of knowledge, particularly about predators.  His new found love of dragons.  Because I know when I am in this space of noticing all those wonderful Ben parts, not only do I feel so much better, Ben suddenly is so cooperative and willing.  He wants desperately to be helpful.

So here's to a new day.  And starting over once again.