Feelin funky

As I mentioned, Ellie's graduation was last Thursday.  Ben's Kindergarten graduation was Friday.

At Ellie's graduation, they honored her by having her 4th grade teacher, Ms. Bietlich, play the guitar and conduct a sing-along to "All You Need is Love".  It was perfect.  What I was not expecting was her 5th grade teacher had a certificate of recognition for Ellie.  Her classmates picked 3 words to describe her--jilled, unforgettable, fantabulous.  I was so caught off guard by the whole thing I began to cry and before I knew it, it became a loud sniffly, "ugly" cry (as Oprah would say).  At the end of the graduation, a 16 minute slide show was shown.  Sixteen minutes of her classmates, going on field trips, playing instruments, smiling, performing plays.  I felt overwhelmed watching it thinking Ellie would not be participating in any activities with them ever.  My second thought was, she would have HATED all those activities.  There were no photos of Ellie.  Which in a way just made me miss her more.  I know Ellie hated having her photo taken and she honestly was not in school much this year.  I also know the committee planning the graduation had a hard time figuring out how to include Ellie.  She was not listed as a graduate on the back of program.  It is wange (weird strange) to think of her not going on with her classmates.

I had one of those moments as I prepared to walk to graduation Friday where I was just so completely overcome by love for these children I have bore.  How fortunate am I to have had this opportunity to be the MOM of 3 such fantastically terrific human beings.  I feel honored and humbled.

So Friday when I went to Ben's Kindergarten graduation, I just felt off all day and kinda have every since.  You know those awfully awkward times when you try to tell a joke and nobody gets it so you end up trying to explain that you were trying to tell a joke.  Making you feel like maybe it would be best if you just crawled back into bed with a good book.   Sending apology notes later when you feel more up for facing the world.  It just feels like a lot of endings right now.  I know, I know where one window closes, blah blah blah blah.  Sometimes before the next door opens, you are stuck with that window in your face.  Or maybe it's pie in your face, or in my case, dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's.  Whatever is in my face makes it hard to see.