My Long Lost Love

One of the highlights of our recent trip to the Ozarks was water skiing again after a 13 year break.  Reminded me how I adore water skiing, gliding across the water makes me feel as if I am strong. Exhilarating.  As much as my life has changed over the past 13 years, so has my approach to water skiing.  When I used to water ski, I felt as if I were being pulled by the boat, completely out of control, pretty much waiting to crash in order to end my water skiing turn.  This time, I still was being pulled by the boat, but I recognized that I had choices.  I would look up and see one side of the boat was particularly choppy, so I would move to the other side.  I would notice some large waves straight ahead and would bend my knees to absorb the shock.   I would notice when I was fatiguing and decide to give the signal to stop rather than wait until I fell.  Basically, I was making choices to try to make my stay up as long as possible.  This frame of mind, this strategizing made the sport for me that much more rewarding.  It reminded me of how my dad and I used to play Othello when I was growing up.  When Thom and I purchased the game and began to play, I stopped, stunned.  I did not know what was happening, this was not the fun easy going game I recalled as a child.  Thom was strategizing the whole game, a technique my father had not employed upon me, I'm sure allowing me to win much of the time, making me think I was actually GOOD at the game, when in fact, I was not at all.  I enjoyed living under that delusion.

This whole episode seemed like a metaphor for life.  I mean we're all being pulled by a big boat through life.  You get to choose how you respond when you meet up with those big waves.  You can anticipate some of them, others will be a surprise.  You always have the choice of how you respond to them.  Just like I used to tell Ellie at the hospital, there are certain things we HAVE to do, but we can choose what we think about them.   By recognizing my control over the situation, my enjoyment increased tremendously.

Slacker Ant

[caption id="attachment_4816" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Mike digs in to assist with Ellie garden at Prawnee."][/caption]

Over the past few years, I have tremendously slacked off as an aunt (as we say here in the midwest, "ant").  I have lost touch with that aunt side of myself.  Missing birthdays, holidays.  And most recently, missing the first graduation of all my nieces and nephews, from the one who started it all, Josh.  When we discovered that Mike (Thom's older brother) and Amy were coming to the Lake of the Ozarks, we decided, as middle children, it was our job to crash their vacation.  I mean driving 8 hours to see them feels much more do-able with an almost 2-year-old than driving 16 to see them in their home state, Virginia.

Since I was feeling so crumby about my recent aunting, I figured my nephews, Josh (18) and Sam (almost 15) and my niece Kate (11) would be feeling the same, thinking to themselves, "Boy oh boy she is the WORST aunt ever."  You can imagine my state of mind with these thoughts whirling around in my head, pretty crazy.  I was ready to get back into the car and drive home.  Plus, being in a family setting always makes me ache for Ellie, knowing how much she adored family gatherings.  She would jubilate in such a setting (whoo-hoo used my word of the day!!).

Much to my surprise and delight, Josh made a point of striking up conversations with me.  Because he was seeing me as the aunt who brought art projects for all the nephews during our family vacation on the outer banks, way back when Ellie was 9-months-old.  I think he recalled this because he has decided to go into graphic design, he has become an artist himself.  As we talked I felt

like I was transforming into the aunt he recalled me being.  Conversations with Josh reconnected me with my love of being an aunt (How could you NOT love being an aunt with the superior group of nieces and nephews I have??).  It reminded me, once again, that I did have relationships before I had Ellie.  I easily forget this in my times of missing Ellie.

Then there was Kate, who became my shadow at times, assisting me with Ben and Lotta, bringing me food, just basically being my right hand woman.  The two of us schemed to swim from Grandma and Grandpa's dock to the buoys, an approximate 1/2 mile round trip swim.  We of course, wore life jackets (I wasn't in THAT crazy of a state at that point).  Josh and Sam had attempted the feat, but were not allowed to without adult supervision.  I was the adult on this mission!  Wow.  At the last minute, Josh and Sam decided to join us.  We called it our "iron man".  When we were about half way to the boo-es a HUMONGOUS fish leaped out of the water.  I may be exaggerating, telling a fish tale, (Thom claims I often exaggerate) but to me this fish looked about the size of Lotta.  Yikes!  That's 2T to the layperson.  Totally freaked me

[caption id="attachment_4817" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Katy and Ellie (then Betsi) play on the beach in Michigan."][/caption]

out.  Sweet Kate kept saying to me, "Think about cookies.  Think about cookies."  To get my mind off the GINORMOUS fish that was swimming in that lake.  Half way home, I made sure to have everyone count off.  And because I was the official adult of the outing, at one point, when there was an argument, I shouted, "I'm the adult so I'm RIGHT." Just to let em all know who was boss.

As we neared the dock on our return trip, Sam and I had a lovely conversation and I felt like we were able to bound in a way we hadn't been previously during huge family gatherings.

On our road trip home, we were driving through a part of Missouri with very little in the way of food stops.  I was starting to panic a bit because I was getting to the hungry point where I was hating everything.  Not a good sign.  Suddenly out of nowhere, as if created specifically for us, in the middle of corn fields (seriously I'm not exaggerating here) was a motel/restaurant/gas station/bait shop.  Of course we stopped, you don't pass something divine like that up.  As we sat and ate (Ben timed how long the food took--9minutes 37 seconds), I looked across the dining room and saw 2

[caption id="attachment_4815" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Kate explores the waterfall last year in Prawnee, close to where we buried Ellie's cremains."][/caption]

teen-aged boys with their grandparents.  No one at the table was talking, the boys looked down the entire time.  Looked so so highly uncomfortable for everyone.  Made me appreciate the famazing (fantastically amazing) boys my nephews are, gregarious, joking, initiating conversations.

This trip was so worth it to me in numerous ways.  Mike and Amy told us that for Ellie's burial, they allowed Josh, Sam and Kate to decide whether or not to go.  The vote was unanimous to come.  Extraordinary.  Seriously, how many 10, 13, and 17 year olds do you know who would make that choice?

Thanks to Nancy and Gene for their tremendous hosting.  Thanks to Josh, Sam and Kate for reminding me how much I adore being an aunt.  Till next time...

 

Answers

On a recent roadtrip, I decided to teach Lotta how to answer some popular questions she is asked.  Here's how the conversation went.

Me:  Lotta, if someone asks you how old you are, you can say, "two".  Ok, let's give it a try.

Me: How old are you?

Lotta:  Two

Me:  What is your name?

Lotta:  Two

Ben:  peels of laughter

Me:  No, your name is Lotta.

Me:  Let's try again.  What's your name?

Lotta:  Two.

Me:  No, you're name is Lotta.

Me:  How old are you?

Lotta:  Lotta.

(Ben:  peels of laughter once again.)

This went on for quite some time, providing if not hours, at least minutes of in-road entertainment for the whole family.

Chocolate is to Croissant as Veggies are to Fried Rice

[caption id="attachment_4790" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="A set of three in Minneapolis."][/caption]

Last week, Lotta, Ben and I biked up to our local grocery store, the infamous Willy Street Co-op.  While we were there we picked up some chocolate croissants for Ben and Lotta (I can't get enough of their apple pumpkin muffins right now with huge chunks of delicious apples.  Yum yum.)  As I have mentioned previously, Lotta's favorite part of the croissant is the chocolate and at the Co-op the chocolate is two little chocolate y bars hidden in a croissant cloud.  Lotta had uncovered the chocolate morsel she wanted and devoured it, quickly moving on to playing in the play area.  Ben sat with me at the table slowly eating his croissant while avoiding the chocolate (he likes his chocolate softer).  He proclaimed that his favorite part of a chocolate croissant was the croissant part.  I told him that he and Lotta were the perfect pair, as her favorite part was the chocolate.  Then I pondered how there was something that Ben and Ellie used to eat the same way, making them the perfect pair with that particular dish.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not recall what the dish was.  Ben remembered that he used to eat the veggies for Ellie out of her Chicken Fried Rice.  I was stunned and amazed that he remembered it exactly.  How did I get so lucky to have two perfect matches?

Having Faith

[caption id="attachment_4779" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Thom demonstrates how to be on vacation."][/caption]

Last week was our vacation to Faith's Lodge, a retreat center for families who have lost a child.  Our trip last year was magical, we loved it.  It is so thoughtfully set up, there is a craft's room, a library, a communal kitchen and dining room.  Almost all meals are provided.

We arrived on Thursday afternoon and were ushered to our room.  I envisioned us being in the same room we were in last year, that didn't happen.  That was fine, until the manager told us that we had no bathtub and that the lodge was completely booked.  In my head, I immediately thought that this was a deal-breaker for me.  The day before Lotta and Ben had taken THREE baths together (partially to counteract the heat, partially because they adore baths).  And one of their favorite parts of being on vacation is taking a hotel bath (they pretend it is their own private pool).  The first year you attend Faith's Lodge it is $25 a night, the second year it is $120 a night.  While it sounds petty, if I am

[caption id="attachment_4780" align="alignright" width="225" caption="At the most amazing aquarium"][/caption]

paying $120 a night I just expect to have a bathtub.  There was a part of me that kept insisting that I go with the flow, look for what I like, etc etc  And another part of me just felt bummed.

Honestly being a part of a group of bereaved families, not a group I want to belong to.  (Probably there isn't anyone who actually wants to belong to this group. This is not saying there was anything at all wrong with the lovely families who were at the Lodge.)  There I said it out loud.  Doesn't make me look especially good I know.   I feel like I have finally reached the space with Ellie where we are establishing our relationship now. One of the benefits of Faith's Lodge is being able to openly talk about your child who has died.  Some of the families the death had occurred very recently, so it was all still really raw.  I just felt uncomfortable at this point re-hashing all the details of Ellie's life.  Sure there are times I want to talk about her life, but it felt as if I were being forced to talk about her life when I was not in the space to do so.

Early Friday morning (3am) I woke up and could not go back to sleep.  I got up and started looking at Hotwire for an alternative hotel room.  I found a 4 star hotel in downtown Minneapolis (2 hours away) with an indoor pool.  After everyone else woke up, I discussed this possibility.  I told the manager that we just really needed a bathtub, and that I knew in the big scheme of things this was lame. (I totally get that not having a bathtub in the face of families losing a child is lame. ) She agreed it was lame.  Which was awkward, but I forged ahead none-the-less.

[caption id="attachment_4781" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta loves this aquarium!"][/caption]

We went and ate breakfast and took a walk.  It was supposed to rain.  The sky had a cloud show for us that was more magnificent than any I've ever witnessed.  The sky actually looked like the sea, waves of dark gray rolling over one another.  Unbelievable.  One of my intentions this year was to see amazing things I've never seen before.  I thought this meant going to places I've never been.  How surprising to realize I can go to the same location and see something incredibly spectacular and novel.  Alas, I did not bother taking any pictures because I knew our craptacular camera would not in any way capture the splendor before us.  (Thank you camera for all the pictures you have taken!  I don't wanna make her mad and have her stop taking photos all together!)

As we were departing, I reconnected with the manager.  She said that she actually could use our room because more guests were arriving that evening and they were going to have to sleep on air mattresses, but now, they could sleep in our space.  It all worked out perfectly for everyone.

Upon arriving in Minneapolis, we went and had lunch at the Mall of America.  This mall is crazy.  It feels like a place you should really experience some time  in your life time, not a place that you might necessarily choose, but you should experience it nevertheless.  Afterwards we walked through the indoor amusement park to get to the aquarium.  Yes, you read that right,

[caption id="attachment_4782" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Ben checks out the sharks swimming above his head."][/caption]

there is an aquarium (a really truly amazing one) AND an amusement park in the mall itself.  We decided rather than spend money on the rides, which were a bit big for our kids anyway, we would take advantage of our kid's favorite (and FREE!) mall rides--the escalators and elevators.

The next day we went to Como Park in St Paul which has a FREE zoo, conservatory and a small amusement park.  The best part of that experience for the kids was the shuttle ride on a bus painted to look like a zebra.  The best part for me was the restaurant which had the best bean burger I've ever eaten plus some Green Tea to help me carry on.

Ben's favorite part of the whole trip was swimming in the hotel swimming pool.  I just love watching him, he's so proud of himself.  Somehow when he's in the water, he looks younger, more vulnerable.  He constantly wants my approval for his water tricks.  Which has encouraged Lotta to come up with her own

[caption id="attachment_4783" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Eating lunch at the zoo."][/caption]

water tricks, like jumping at you from the side after saying, "Ready" (where the "set go" went, I'll never know).  Thom's favorite part was the Aquarium tunnel you walked through with lots of shark swimming all around you (the closest we'll get to scuba diving with them here in the Midwest).

My favorite part was not settling.  Realizing we wanted something different from our vacation and setting about creating it.  I mean it feels wange (weirdly strange) when something that was so very perfect for us last summer felt so very wrong for us this summer.  Like trying to wear a favorite sweater that was shrunk in the dryer.  Sadly, it just doesn't feel (or look) right anymore.  I guess the challenge at times is figuring out when to make the best of things and go with the flow and when to decide to create something different.  This time it was fairly simple because I knew from the way I was feeling that something needed to change.  I truly loved the contrast of being north woods beautiful natural Wisconsin to being in a high rise glamorous hotel in an urban setting.  It was a truly remarkable experience and absolute perfection.

 

Superhero!!

[caption id="attachment_4765" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A famiy of SUPERheroes (including Super Diaper Baby!)"][/caption]

In the past, whenever I would request something on Ellie's behalf--a photo for the Wall of Love, a book, crayons, you name it---one of the first people to respond would be my grabulous friend, Jennifer McKeag.  So when she told me of a 6-year-old boy, the son of a colleague, who just started chemotherapy, I knew I had to do something.

The family is asking for photos (to be sent to his hospital room in Milwaukee) of people wearing a super hero shirt and/or holding a super hero sign to show Sam how people all over the world are praying and thinking about him.  He had a hard time believing that 500 temples around the country were praying for him,

[caption id="attachment_4766" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Super Diaper Baby!!"][/caption]

I think it would be sawesome (so awesome) if he ended up getting more than 500 photos from super heroes all over the country and the world.  Here is the address, if you feel so inspired to send a photo...

Sam Sommer, E571

Children's Hospital of Wisconsin

P.O. Box 1997

Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201-1997

Here is a link to the Sam's blog site....http://supermansamuel.blogspot.com/2012/06/superheroes-for-

sam-photo-project.html. Thanks!

Magic Wands or even Talismans...

[caption id="attachment_4747" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben with his first grade teacher, Mrs. H on the last day of school."][/caption]

Seven can be challenging.  Just on the verge of being a bigger kid.  A younger kid no longer, but desperately trying to hang on to the joys of it for just a moment longer.  Knowing that those magical beliefs in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny will soon fade away as a distant memory.  Ben so loves all the magic of childhood, he has decided that he will ask for a magic wand from Santa Claus, a REAL magic wand that does REAL magic.  He would even settle for a magic talisman, but only, again, if it were REAL.  He could then wish for no bad things to happen to our family (such as no fires in our home).  He could also help the polar ice caps to stay frozen or make sure the sun doesn't explode.  So many big worries to contemplate when you are seven.

Last week was challenging, Lotta and I readjusting to having Ben at home with us.  He seems to have gotten so used to his school routine, that at times, he doesn't quite know what to do with himself at home.  My vision for this summer is a Summer of Fun (as opposed to all those other not-so-fun summers I planned), and along those lines, I have decided that each week we will go on a field trip--somewhere within an hour and half of our home where we can go explore.  A day trip.

Friday we decided to go to the Science and Children's Museums in Rockford.  As we were preparing for our trip, Ben was having numerous meltdowns.  He wanted to take his sketch pad and his pencil and sharpener and a big eraser.  When he went upstairs, he set his pencil sharpener down and immediately panicked that it was lost.  From downstairs, I suggested he re-trace his steps.  He became more panicked and shouted that it wasn't in the bathroom where he knew he left it.

If I try to explain things to Ben, particularly if he is upset, he immediately takes my explanation as a lecture.  I was pondering how with Ellie, I could talk with her about things we were working through.  And she LOVED it.  Ben, on the other hand, will tell me, "You're talking like a grown-up."  So I knew I needed to change my strategy with him.  He was challenging me to become more. As I was pondering how to change my strategy, Ellie seemed to whisper in my ear, "make it fun".  Whenever we would converse about something, we would find a way to make it fun.  Being sad was "Eeyore-ish", being scared was "Pigglet-ish", we would ponder what character might be more useful.  For example, if Ellie was feeling Pigglet-ish about getting off the bus, we decided that Tigger would bounce off that bus without hesitation, so she would become "Tigger-ish" in order to summon the courage.  Ellie's advice to me was to make it fun for Ben and he would totally be invested in whatever

[caption id="attachment_4759" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ben being chased by a T-Rex at the Science Museum!!!"][/caption]

was happening.

Ok, so back to Friday morning.  Ben came downstairs and I lectured him and he screamed and cried saying I wasn't hearing what he was saying.  He wished that his Dad could stay home and I could go to work.  It was, once again, so obviously, not working.

We stopped for a moment.  Suddenly, it came to me (thanks, Ellie!)  I hesitantly said, "What if you were a detective and you had a job to find something missing and you wouldn't get paid unless you found the missing object?  What would you need to do to solve the mystery?  A magnifying glass perhaps?  Clues as to where the missing object was?"  Then we were all racing upstairs with a kaleidoscope (in lieu of a magnifying glass) to search for the missing pencil sharpener.  I walked upstairs and immediately spotted the missing item on the bed.  I told Ben (trying mightily hard not to

[caption id="attachment_4758" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Ben being eaten by a T-Rex at the Science Museum!!!"][/caption]

lecture) that I felt like I KNEW I could find it and so I found it right away, I think that is my REAL magic wand.  Ben told me that he was testing me, which I said, I must have passed that test, then.

We continued to prepare for our trip, and we still were not getting along, dagnabbit.  I challenged Ben.  (Ben is highly competitive and loves a challenge).  What if we had a contest all day to see who could come up with the longest list of things we liked about each other.  He was still feeling a bit grumpy, and said he didn't want to.  I said that the best thing that would come out of a contest like that is that I would feel better, so I would still do it even if he didn't want to.  Quickly Ben changed his mind, which I told him was the first thing I appreciated about him, that he was willing to change his mind.   His first items were things about his Dad, for example how I helped his Dad to cook, or that I married such a great man.  I suggested we save all the Daddy appreciation for Sunday (Father's Day).

Just looking for what we liked about each other changed the entire day.  Suddenly all that love and appreciation spilled over from Ben to Lotta.  He was calling her "my little love" and pouring his attention on her.  They even had a dance party together.  I guess it is

[caption id="attachment_4760" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben and Lotta at the Rockford Childrens Museum."][/caption]

inspiring to me to realize how one small step can completely transform the day.

Then Friday night, I awoke from this great dream.  There was a little kid in the dream.  I knew it was boy, but I couldn't see him.  I just knew that I really really liked him, I liked talking with him and just being with him.  When I woke up, I realized that it was Ben I had been dreaming about, the feeling of Ben.  It was as if Ellie were showing me how to recognize the feeling of him.  And what a great feeling it was.  I guess I still believe in magic too.