[/caption]Monday I was fortunate enough to get to hang out with Ellie's third grade teacher, Mrs. Zwart. We reminisced about Ellie for probably half an hour. Mrs. Zwart shared how they had been working on teaching Ellie some life skills--eating with utensils, taking turns talking, using a napkin. Ellie commented that the one thing she had not yet learned how to do was to push herself up in the chair. Mrs. Zwart being the superb teacher she is, asked Ellie what she thought she could do about that. (Mrs. Zwart always had this way of getting Ellie to answer for herself so that she was more committed to the solution). Ellie looked at Mrs. Zwart, shrugged her shoulders and said, "Heck if I know." (A phrase Ellie used
[caption id="attachment_4465" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ellie with a cow from Uncle Kirky."]
[/caption]for awhile, was "I have no heck baby fire idea". I have no heck baby fire idea where she came up with it.)
As I was re-telling this story to Betsy C., it occurred to me that this is the attitude I need right now. Friday, the day Ellie passed, is quickly on its way. I do not know how I will handle it. I do not want to handle it. It feels sort of like before giving birth when I felt as if there was NO WAY I was going to be able to do THAT. Not gonna happen. I couldn't imagine it. As the day grew nearer and did in fact approach, I somehow found the answers, courage, solutions, assistance I needed. Even if right now I don't know how the heck I will, I don't need to know right now, when the time is right, I will.
Debi, you've been on my mind and in my heart all week. A couple of us were down with a nasty, but quickly-over, stomach virus, so I haven't been on the computer much, but I knew it was "the big date." The one we all dread more than anything. How a number on a calender has the ability to bring us to our knees is beyond my comprehension, but I know for me, often the days leading up to "the date" are often worse than the date itself. I hope that was the case, and that all of you were able to find some peace and some joy in Ellie's Heaven Day. I love your analogy of approaching the day as you approached giving birth--it is so true, how similar they both are. Somehow we do find the answers, only this time, without the gratification :-( I have no words of wisdom here....just know that I understand.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lisa