Ellie is Happy

 

What? 2012 already??

"We must see all scars as beauty...Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying.  A scar means, I survived.

In a few breaths' time I will speak some sad words to you.  But you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now.  Sad words are just another beauty.  A sad story means, this storyteller is alive.  The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile. (Little Bee by Chris Cleve, Simon and Schuster, 2008, page 9)."

As we approached 2012 this year, I admit I was filled with dread, thinking of how once we enter 2012, we will be living in a year when Ellie did not.  Which is ridiculous because, honestly, Ellie only lived for 13 days into 2011.  Even though I'd rather not feel this sense of wistfulness and dread, I do.  Still.  It feels like the scar the above quote is talking about.

More recently, it has been harder to write.  I feel this wordless hole in the middle of me and the writing just doesn't come.  It feels wange (weirdly strange) to not have this outlet that has served me throughout this year.  And yet, it also feels as if, like Bill Murray said in that camp movie, "It just doesn't matter".

Before my mom came to visit, she told me she was drawn into a store at the South African airport. A store she had never before browsed in, but for some reason this time she felt compelled.   As she was walking around, suddenly she looked up and spotted a shirt that said, "Ellie is happy." That is me turning around to smile (or maybe Ellie).