Bringing Lotta Joy

I think this was her first day. Ben was so excited to be able to finally hold his baby sister.

One of Ben's current favorite pastimes is hearing the birth stories.  Seeing as how it was a year ago today, I thought it appropriate to share Lotta's story.

Last year on August 14th, a very pregnant me was reading Ben a bedtime story.  Suddenly my water started to break.  I calmly hoisted myself outta the bed and had Thom continue the story for me.  I went downstairs and watched some Sunday evening television (lots of re-runs of dramas).  Thom came down and joined me.  I thought how much more relaxing this birth would be because both Ellie and Ben were asleep.  (A miracle in itself with Ellie's sleep or not-sleep schedule.)  What I did not realize was how much more tiring a night time birth would be, the other two I had slept at least several hours before birth began.  As things

I adore this photo. I needed to give Ellie her meds AND I was holding newborn Lotta. Suddenly I had the idea to prop Lotta up against Ellie. I love how they both look equally surprised by this turn of events.

became more intense, I went upstairs to take a bath.  Just as I began the bath, Ellie woke up and began doing "burke" (book work).  (It still feels so freaky that a year ago today Ellie was still alive.  Oh what I wouldn't give for her to be here, playing office with me now. I think she would so appreciate all the Lotta photos decorating our house today in honor of her birth. Thanks to Uncle Kippy for help with that!)

Then Ben awoke because he had wet the bed.   More like flooded the bed.  Not exactly what I had imagined.  Ben was super excited because he was allowed to watch one of his dinosaur movies in the middle of the night.  Then as I entered the pushing phase (not the technical term), Ben joined me in the bathroom.  He rubbed my lower back as this was the magical elixir for the back pain I was experiencing.  Then as Lotta started to emerge, I heard Thom encouraging Ben to go into the other room if he needed to (recall that Ben does not do well with body fluid emissions...)  Then suddenly I was holding sweet baby Lotta.  Ben, Lotta and I snuggled

[caption id="attachment_4088" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="His shirt should say, "I heart Lotta!""][/caption]

down in the family bed for a few hours of early morning sleep, while Thom slept with Ellie in the bookshop.  Boy has she ever lived up to her name.  She has brought all of us a Lotta Joy.

After she arrived, I was surprised to continue having afterbirth contractions for days afterwards.  What made it more challenging was the fact that Thom needed to return to work as he had already missed so many days due to Ellie's numerous hospitalizations.  Some how I managed to care for my 3 children while having contractions.  Another one of those things that I look back on and go wow!   Makes other daily tasks in comparison seem easy.  Set the bar a bit higher of what I can and cannot do.

Happy to You

[caption id="attachment_4077" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben playing at the mall on a HOT summer day. "][/caption]

Every morning before I even get out of bed, I lay there deciding what kinda day I'm going to have.  I fill myself up with excitement with what is to come.  Something fun, something unexpected.  Because here is the thing I refuse.  I refuse to be a "victim" of anything.  I refuse to be a victim to a brain tumor, or as a bereaved parent.  Nothing has "happened" to me.  My daughter died.  It was her time.  Here's the other thing.  I lost a lot because I HAD  a lot.  For 11 years.  I will not let Ellie's life be in vain.  As I have mentioned before, Ellie would hate most of all anyone using her as an excuse to feel horrible.  She was all about being jilled (joy filled).  I feel like in a strange way she is giving me yet another opportunity through her death to grow and evolve and become.  An opportunity to focus not on her death, but on her exceptional life.  An opportunity to  allowing this to improve me, rather than destroy me.

The day Ben was born Ellie was reading a book entitled, "Happy to You".  The little boy in the book goes to a birthday party and learns to say "Happy to You" (instead of Happy

[caption id="attachment_4078" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta contemplates riding in an Elf car."][/caption]

Birthday to You).  Throughout the rest of the book, he continues to say "Happy to You" to everything around him-the car, the trees, his stuffed teddy bear.  That is how I feel right now about appreciation.  I find myself saying "Thank You" throughout the day--to my car for transporting me, to my family, to my home for sheltering me.  I have even found a way to be appreciative of my knees.  My knees that I have always found funny looking.  And when I finally had the courage to wear shorts to work out, Ellie would inevitably say, "Why do your knees look so funny?"  And I would think, "See?!?!  Exactly what I had been wondering."  But as of late, I've been contemplating how these knees have been so useful in getting me around, keeping me upright, helping me dance.  Thank you knees!  So many many things to be thankful for.  Like a never-ending gratitude list.  Truly makes everything feel magical.

Here is a creed that the famazing (fantastically amazing)

[caption id="attachment_4079" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben demonstrates riding with the Elf for reluctant Lotta."][/caption]

Patrick Kyle (Happy Birthday again!) sent to me.  I can totally appreciate how Ellie chose Patrick Kyle as her pretend husband.  It honored me tremendously that he said it made him think of ME.  WOW!!!  I mean this is who I strive to be.  Here it is...

Promise Yourself ...
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

(from Optimist International on the website http://www.optimist.org/e/creed.cfm)

 

Free Toys! (with paid purchase of cereal)

Restauranting

[caption id="attachment_4060" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben eating a Ceasar Salad at one of our restaurant stops Friday."][/caption]

Friday I suddenly realized we had purchased a bunch of coupons that were about to expire.  I am not one to pass up on a good deal, so I was determined to utilize my 24 hours and eat some excellent cuisine.  We went to Edo's Japanese Restaurant for lunch.  Ben was trying suishi and edamame beans.  Fabulous!  Lotta was shoving anything we placed in front of her into her little mouth.  Which eventually backfired.  As she hasn't quite gotten the whole chewing thing down yet.  Anyway, she ended up releasing all that extra non-chewed food back onto the floor.  Which as you may or may not know, Ben is extremely sensitive to any sight or smell of bodily fluids.  Makes him project his own bodily fluids.  After Lotta's little incident, Ben proclaimed that he was going to pretend like it didn't happen.  I thought that was a wise choice.

I wrote the following draft a couple of years ago, thought I'd share it now since I am talking about going to restaurants.

[caption id="attachment_4063" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Lotta at the park."][/caption]

We were at one of our favorite local restaurants recently, Monty's Blue Plate Diner.  It reminds me of the King's in the Fancy Nancy book series.  Anyway, Ellie was peeling crayons as we were eating and inevitably the crayons would fall onto the floor.  Well, Ben would just take a nose dive under the table to retrieve the crayon, his legs only sticking up from the booth.  Couldn't have asked for a more entertaining meal.

Re-defining

[caption id="attachment_4050" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Another family photo gone astray..."][/caption]

Contemplating Ben's question about wanting my memories of Ellie erased in order to not feel the pain put me in the mindset of appreciating all the ways Ellie has enhanced my life.  The other night as I passed Ellie's bedroom, I stood for a moment and basked in the appreciation of how much more extraordinary my life is because of her.  Several nights since then, I have stopped, and whispered, "Thank you, Ellie" as I pass by.  I am so not the same person I was pre-Ellie.  My life is so incredibly better, richer, more profound than it ever was before.

One friend recently shared how it took her a year to develop a relationship with her father after he passed away.  I liked thinking of it that way, continuing my relationship with Ellie, just in a different format.  I have also appreciated all the friends who have shared with me the ways Ellie reveals herself.  One friend keeps a photo of Ellie on her desk at work as a reminder to stay focused on what is important, to not let the insignificant things stress her.  The photo is the one (taken by Uncle Kippy of course) where Ellie is looking up at the sky, as if she is gazing upon her angelic friends.  Another friend went gambling with Ellie and kept winning $13, until the very end of her evening when she won enough money to buy a plane ticket for an upcoming trip.  So it would seem it is not just me developing a new relationship with Ellie.

My house has been MESSY almost continuously all summer.  Typically this would drive me crazy (and it has been).  Just the other day I thought how all this mess is a sign that we have been having a whole lot of fun this summer.  Soon enough my house will be clean and tidy once more.  And much quieter.  It made me appreciate the mess.  And I know it is possible to have a kiddo and a clean house (I'm talking about YOU Cynthia!) I just haven't figured it out myself.  Yet.

[caption id="attachment_4056" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="The best of all!"][/caption]

Finally, I have been thinking of redefining regret.  Utilizing regret as an opportunity to create something new.  Rather than getting stuck in feeling guilty and bad about what was done, punishing myself, thinking of the regret as part of my journey, part of my becoming.  Last week, I was contemplating how I wish I had had more fun with Ellie, particularly in the last year.  She was such an easy laugh.  She adored a good joke.  I wished that I had taken more advantage of that.  I wasn't feeling that thought in a depressing way, just in a way to utilize going forward.  Then a couple of nights ago we were playing a family dinner game and Thom said something silly.  Ben started laughing so hard that he seemed startled by his own mirth.  I was amazed that my wish came true so quickly.