That Smile

A huge shout out to Ms. Stark for the box of food including veggies soup, noodles, 2 loaves of delicious homemade bread and some of the best chocolate cookies we've ever tasted (not to worry Ms Zwart, you are still in the running).  She has been checking with me for months trying to schedule a visit and I am so happy the timing was so perfect today as she came when Ellie was awake and alert.   

Also a great big shout out out to my brother, Kip for his fabulous visit.  He created a wall of love next to Ellie's bed filled with pictures of the people Ellie loves.  That way when she feels like only sitting and staring, she can look at the wall. 

A humongous shout out to my mom, our laundress, for keeping our home so tidy and forever working on a load of laundry. 

One day recently, Ellie was awake and alert with a roomful of people.  I walked in and when she recognized me, her face lit up with joy.  Oh and I was so appreciative of that moment, wanted to savour it like a Gail Ambrosius Chocolate.  I mean seriously how many moms of 10-year-olds get that kind of reaction from their daughters?  How lucky am I?  There aren't even words big enough to describe how jilled I felt at seeing her so jilled to see me.  Makes me teary just remembering it. 

As I go about my days now, much of the time I feel at peace and connected with all around me.  Then I will suddenly be struck by the darker thoughts.  The ones about how I will never have Ellie sidle up to me while I am working in the kitchen.  I will never take a walk with her again.  I will never go to a restaurant with her again.  The finality of it all seems insurmountable.  How will I get over this mountain of grief? And yet I know I must because the very last thing Ellie would want would be for me to be stuck in the muck.  She would want me to somehow find a way to stay jilled.  For me that is her grandest lesson of all.