I lean towards the spring color group

Today is Thom's birthday.  As Ben exclaimed last night, "Can you believe Daddy is younger than you?"  To which I replied that it was quite amazing, I seem so youthful, don't I?  When he mentioned this the first time, I explained that I am a "cougar" and he really liked that, seeing as how he enjoys predatory animals.

Today is also the day, 10 years ago, that Ellie had her first brain surgery.  (If you are just joining us, it was an emergency, she was on the verge of brain damage.)  Betsy C., Thom, and I sat that long day together, wondering what the future would hold.  It feels so strange to be that future we were contemplating then.  I feel so fortunate to have had both Betsy and Thom with me all along this journey.  It would not have been as jilled, meaningful, wonderful without the two of them.

This month I am participating in a Tiara teleseries about self-compassion.  Here is an e-mail I sent my group yesterday, "The pain I noticed when I sat for a moment was desperation.  YUCK!!!
Desperation does not look good on me.  (Not with my coloring).  This feeling of desperation to see Ellie,
feel her, smell her, touch her is so insistent.  And so highly uncomfortable.  I
find myself running to my every-day-is-an-emergency dark chocolate stash because honestly I feel if I sit
with that desperation, that wistfulness, I will fall into a well of despair.
All those never agains keep piling up--never again to walk together, go on a
"date", read a story, pick out an outfit...(Am I sounding dramatic?)  I have
never wanted something so much, so badly that I cannot have.  I really hate it,
which sort of seeps into hating myself."

Here is what my fabulous friend, Amy, wrote back, it helped me to look at this yearning a bit more compassionately.

You’re an inspiration…a mommy role model for me. I still marvel at how you can
so easily flow through your day with Lotta in your arms or strapped on or in
your lap. I’ve seen you two be so physically and emotionally connected. Ah…I
just created a parallel in my mind – don’t know if it works for you – yet, how
do you let go of your physical connection with Ellie when you did such a good
job of being in tune and connected with her when she was physically
here?

I love how she makes me sound like Sacajawea, strapping my little papoose on and taking a little jaunt across the continent.