[/caption]Today is the first day of school. Fills me with longing for Ellie, who never wanted to go to school, would rather stay home, but loved the PEOPLE she was surrounded by when she arrived. I keep thinking of how I wish I could have been kinder, more patient, more appreciative of Ellie. All the times I WASN'T come rushing back to me in these moments of quiet desperation. Desperation to see, feel, smell, touch her again. Knowing that this wish will never come true. I can make any other wish in the world and have it come true but not that one. AND I know that we humans can not stay in appreciation/joy forever. I did the best I could at the time with Ellie and Ellie never ever resented me for falling short of my highest intentions. I feel somewhat panic-y at times, feeling as if I have misplaced something. When I drive by the funeral parlor that cremated her, I feel desperate, knowing THAT is where her body last was. I keep dreaming of living in a new house where everything is clean and picked up. This grief is such a wange (weird strange) animal.
I keep recalling this poem that has this line about pounding your bloody fists against the door wanting the return of you, oh normal day. I think this is part of it, "Oh normal day let me be aware of the treasure you are, let me not pass you
by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow."What is so freaking frustrating is the fact that I never ever imagined Ellie in Middle School. Never. So why now does this, once again, feel so surprising? Or even disappointing? I mean who really wants to do Middle School? Do I sound like sour grapes now? Or perhaps with this heat, I smell like them?
While I have longed for quiet, stillness all summer, now somehow the house seems too quiet. (Not to worry, Ben has a short day and will soon be home and fill up all the spaces with his puppy-like exuberance.)
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