More and Less

[caption id="attachment_4136" align="alignright" width="225" caption="We finally learned to take 1st day of school photos!! It was a hot one."][/caption]

Oh man I am so tired and bored with myself.  Exhausted of this continual missing of Ellie.  Feeling weepy all the dang time.  I think I need  a Patrick Kyle fix that I might feel interesting, even if in reality I am not.   (I know I have mentioned it before but seriously, he just has that special way of listening that no matter how boring I am I suddenly feel sparkling and entertaining.)  Every day I have this feeling that I should be doing both more and less.  Like I don't quite have the energy to do much more, but I should be doing more.  And every single day just flies right by.  It is wange (wierd strange), I know.

The first day of school, Ellie not going was challenging.  Seeing mini-buses like the one she rode passing by, not carrying her felt sad.

A few weeks later we attended an ice cream social with Ben and Ellie's schools.  I kept looking around, searching for Ellie's classmates when I suddenly realized (once again) that they are now in middle school.

Before school began, Ben, Lotta, and I went to a swim party where I was introduced to many of Ellie's classmates' mothers.  They were delightful  AND it felt extremely odd meeting

Ben holds up the entire bus for a photo op.

them NOW after Ellie has passed.  AND I kept thinking how much Ellie would have loved to have sat around tit tatting up the mothers and her classmates both.  Oh that wily regret, once again coming for a visit.  I do know I will get through this part of my dark tunnel and emerge better than before.  I just don't really like dark scary tunnels.  Not my thing.