Teeth Stories (may sound boring, but you would be amazed..ok maybe not).

Yesterday (no-sterday as Ellie used to joke), I took Ben to the dentist.  He was super duper excited to get out of school early (by 30 whole minutes!) and even more excited by the prospect of receiving a FREE toy (no cereal purchase necessary).  He explained on the car ride how his stomach felt fluttery all day contemplating his toy.  Can I just say here how much we adore Ben's dentist?  They have a "movie" theme, and I am all about a good theme.  They have movie seating facing a large screen continually playing a children's movie.  Then each patient is laying below a screen playing the same movie while being worked on.  It is brilliant!  Everyone working at the dentist's office seems to genuinely enjoy children.  I mean they are so friendly it is almost a Saturday Night Live skit.





[caption id="attachment_4166" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="No more baby teeth, now he is a tie wearing man."]

Hula Hooping

My Aunt (pronounced "ant") Suzanne  told me that every morning, after pouring herself a cup of coffee, she checks Sunny Days to see if there is a blog entry.  So, this one's for you Suzanne!

We are members of our local Y (f0rmerly known as the YMCA).  Every Friday there is Family Fun Night, with Family Zumba (which I attend with or withOUT my family), PLUS the bouncy houses are blown up in the gym AND the pool is open for families.  We had so much fun last Friday night, I was thanking my lucky stars for this tremendous resource.

Recently, a Family Hula Hoop class was added immediately following Family Zumba.  I do not know that I have ever hula hooped successfully before.  It looked like so much fun, I had to give

 

Another way to walk I have not mastered--with a 6-year-old on your shoulders.

it a whirl (pun intended).  When I first put the hoop on and started to spin, it felt completely, thoroughly AWKWARD.  I glanced around the room and there were small children spinning numerous hoops.  For some reason once I got the hoop going, it would end up spinning around my chest or my legs, and quickly fall.  I persevered.  I would not be deterred.  Suddenly, as I was hula hooping, it all clicked in.  I could feel everything suddenly synchronistically working.  It was AWESOME!  However when the instructor suggested I try walking and hula hooping, I declined, I mean why mess with a good thing?  (Reminded me of when Thom and I were being pulled on inner tubes behind his parents' speed boat at Lake of the Ozarks.  My main goal was to stay atop the inner tube.  Every time I peeked over at Thom, however, he was in a different position--one handed, backwards, facing out, facing in, even standing.  We obviously had a different vision of how to have fun inner tubing.)

I keep thinking about that hula hoopin experience now.  As I go through my days, feeling awkward, socially inept, struggling to make sense of it all without Ellie, everything feels like a Picasso painting, I know what things are supposed to be, but it all looks so distorted.  I imagine one of these days it's all going to click back into focus.  I will suddenly find that this fogginess has ascended and everything is begining to make sense again.  My sister (yes the SUPER one) told me witnessing my grief is sort of like watching a toddler learn to walk.  There are a lot of false starts, a lot of stumbling, and falling before it really kicks in.

[caption id="attachment_4151" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Lotta and I learn to walk together. "][/caption]

Speaking of people who fall down a lot, I have often pondered recently the newest member of our clan, Lotta.  When I did my vision board for my Tiara Coaching Group, I put a mom snuggling with her baby.  Then I suddenly realized that I HAD TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY (the thought was just like that, in all caps).  And there was this humongous struggle within me--I HAVE TO HAVE A BABY/HOW CAN I POSSIBLY HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW??  It felt crazy to want both of these opposing ideas at the same time, how urgently I wanted a baby and how logically it sounded completely, utterly insane.  Now it feels as if the whole universe was conspiring FOR me--making sure that I would have this sweet baby girl and my exuberant boy after Ellie moved on.  Because these 2 children here with me are the best inspiration right now to some how pull myself up and continue stumbling about.  I have often spoken of Ellie's angels, now I am becoming suspicious that my OWN angels have been working over time on my behalf (both the invisible kind and the kind disguised as my family and friends).

More Wish Walkin

[caption id="attachment_4145" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ben and Juna walk together."][/caption]

Our 3-year-old neighbor, Juna, summed up the day when she proclaimed, "I loved it! Can we do that again?"  What was not to love--the huge bouncy house, the live music, or the tables and tables filled with food (Ben's favorite part all the chips you can eat--Ellie would've been proud).  All that AND helping make dreams come true along with some incredible friends? Today was the first Walk for Wishes in Madison.  The day started rainy and cool.  Then just as the coordinators announced that we could walk or not, it was up to us, the weather started to clear.  As we walked, we saw a heron along a creek

[caption id="attachment_4146" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Walking with Brittany and Tim."][/caption]

which was pretty fantastic and surprising.   Also surprising to me were all of the amazing people who showed up, even with all the wet weather.  Two moms, Diana and Mary, saw signs about the walk at Ben's school and participated.  Ellie's classmates arrived in hats they fancied themselves.  Ellie's third grade teachers joined the team.  Esther brought her entire Girl Scout troop (who somehow kept ending up on stage and will be mentioned on the radio tomorrow).  Even my best ever Zumba instructor, Ari, arrived with her daughter.  Unfortunately, we did not get a group photo, so you will just have to imagine a group of smiling, wet, children and adults in fancy hats (which we wore in honor of Ellie's incredible hat collection.)   A huge thanks to everyone who joined our team, whether you were there in person or in spirit!

More and Less

[caption id="attachment_4136" align="alignright" width="225" caption="We finally learned to take 1st day of school photos!! It was a hot one."][/caption]

Oh man I am so tired and bored with myself.  Exhausted of this continual missing of Ellie.  Feeling weepy all the dang time.  I think I need  a Patrick Kyle fix that I might feel interesting, even if in reality I am not.   (I know I have mentioned it before but seriously, he just has that special way of listening that no matter how boring I am I suddenly feel sparkling and entertaining.)  Every day I have this feeling that I should be doing both more and less.  Like I don't quite have the energy to do much more, but I should be doing more.  And every single day just flies right by.  It is wange (wierd strange), I know.

The first day of school, Ellie not going was challenging.  Seeing mini-buses like the one she rode passing by, not carrying her felt sad.

A few weeks later we attended an ice cream social with Ben and Ellie's schools.  I kept looking around, searching for Ellie's classmates when I suddenly realized (once again) that they are now in middle school.

Before school began, Ben, Lotta, and I went to a swim party where I was introduced to many of Ellie's classmates' mothers.  They were delightful  AND it felt extremely odd meeting

Ben holds up the entire bus for a photo op.

them NOW after Ellie has passed.  AND I kept thinking how much Ellie would have loved to have sat around tit tatting up the mothers and her classmates both.  Oh that wily regret, once again coming for a visit.  I do know I will get through this part of my dark tunnel and emerge better than before.  I just don't really like dark scary tunnels.  Not my thing.

Wish Walking

[caption id="attachment_4125" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Lotta demonstrates how to walk."][/caption]

At the end of August, we volunteered at the Make-A-Wish walk in Milwaukee.  We did the walk 2 years ago with Ellie.  I missed her a great deal this time around.  Which again made me laugh at myself knowing that she would have thoroughly protested going.  And then would've chatted every volunteer up the entire time we were there.  The walk is in a park on Lake Michigan and the weather was unbelievably gorgeous.  If nothing else, it seemed an excellent excuse to be outside enjoying the beauty.  I cheered the walkers on until, like Justin Beiber (see the highly inspirational movie Never Say Never if you do not know what I am talking about), I had to rest my voice in between walkers.  Lotta helped me by waving at the walkers.  Ben helped by waving a flag and cheering for about 10 minutes.  At one point, I stood on a bench and looked and just saw the entire sidewalk filled with walkers for as far as I could see.  Amazing, thinking all these people were working to make wishes come true (later found out there were over 2500 participants).  The Wish kids wear a yellow shirt and I yelled extra hard for them.  I watched as these children were often surrounded by a team.  Their own security guards.  Some of the kids liked the attention, some of the kids shied away from it.

[caption id="attachment_4126" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben waves the flag for the walkers. There were over 2,500 of them!! His flag waving did not last that long, however."][/caption]

At the end of the line, I looked for the man we had met 2 years ago, the one who walks with the last walkers in memory of his daughter.  Because Ellie was chatting all the volunteers up (and we were running late), we definitely held that spot.  I didn't see him at first.  Then as the walk was concluding, I spotted him.  I asked him if he recalled walking with us, and he did.  He told me that his other daughter had passed away this year, so he was walking in her honor too.  Of course I was curious what happened, but did not want to pry if he was not up for sharing.  He had a foreign exchange student with him.  We hugged because that was all I felt I had to give him.  WOW!  was about all I could think to say (in my head) to losing two daughters.  I told him how I'd shared his intention to walk every year in his daughter's memory with others and how they were inspired by his actions.

 

[caption id="attachment_4127" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben soaks himself after the walk."][/caption]

 

On Sunday, September 25  we will be walking in the first ever Madison Wish Walk.  Since we did not have a community wide funeral, it is our version of a "funeral".  We are hoping to have the biggest team there in honor of Ellie.  Many of her classmates have agreed to walk and Esther's girl scout troop will be with us.  I know it will be an amazing, memorable day, filled with happiness and sadness (sappiness as Ellie would say).  I cannot think of better way to honor Ellie because her wish trip meant so much to all of us and we are excited to be spreading this powerful gift to other children like Ellie.

The Gift of Regret

[caption id="attachment_4117" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Lotta and Thom at beach day on our Faith's Lodge trip.Inside the lodge."][/caption]

I suppose the gift in feeling regretfullish of not appreciating Ellie enough is that it has inspired me to appreciate Ben and Lotta.  Which was truly helpful to Ben as he and I had not been getting along well those last few days before school started.

When we were at Faith's Lodge (a place that serves

 

At the Duluth aquarium (daytrip from Faith's Lodge)

families who have lost a child), there was a journal in our room that every family who'd stayed there wrote in.  One mom said that they had learned that great sorrow and great joy could co-exist.  She explained that they could not possibly live continuously in their grief.  That the sparks of joy had to shine through.  The friends who understood that were the ones they treasured most.

This grief continues to surprise.  When someone says to me they cannot imagine losing a child, I tell them I could not

 

Day trip to a state park near Faith's Lodge.

imagine it beforehand either.  Just like becoming a parent was so much MORE than I ever imagined, so is this grief.  (Have I already said that?  I am quite certain Thom will let me know if I have.)

I feel as if I am slightly obsessed with Ellie.  (Can you be slightly obsessed or is that like being kinda pregnant? I am NOT pregnant.)  I find myself constantly thinking of Ellie, wondering what she would have said about Lotta right now.  Pondering how dinner time would be different if Ellie were sitting at her end of the table.  At times, it feels like an ache, an

 

Ben drinks his coffee so he can stay alert for all the activities on our trip.

unquenchable thirst.  At other times it feels as if she is near, continually leaving me little messages.  At other times it is just disorienting.  Sometimes I feel as if I am being chased by grief, I run and run but finally tire and grief catches up with me.  Yesterday, the 8-month anniversary of Ellie's death was one of those days.  The first time that I felt that my missing of that sweet girl was overwhelming me.  I had that out of control feeling as if I was not going to be able to stop crying.  So when someone asked how I was doing, I just admitted that I was a mess.  Typically I would feel embarrassed and ashamed of such showmanship.  This time, however, I am not even going to waste a moment feeling bad for feeling bad.  So there.  And somehow, having let the storms pass over me, today is better (and thanks to a phone call to my emergency contact, my sister).

Recently when I passed the funeral home where Ellie was cremated I suddenly felt so appreciative of Ellie, that I have someone that I knew so intimately here  in this physical realm on the other side.  Wow!  Then I felt like a 5-year-old, thinking, she could really help me do some stuff.  It made me laugh thinking just like Ben would.

I wonder if it will be easier or harder when I am at the point where I can no longer think or say, last year at this time, Ellie was...  Or doing something for the first time without Ellie.  I suppose only time will tell.  I imagine just like so many things it will be a messy mixed mash up of both easier and harder.  Once again a mix of great joy and great sorrow.

The mysterious extraneous "k"

[caption id="attachment_4113" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Lotta enjoys her first Merry-go-round ride with Thom."][/caption]

On Saturday (September 10) we accomplished our once a year trek to Little Americka.  Little Americka is a small amusement park about 45 minutes from Madison.  Little Americka is absolutely the perfect size (small enough to complete in several hours and hardly ever any lines)  with rides that are just right--nothing is too big or too scary.  It is in the middle of a field and after a visit I feel as if I have traveled to another country.  Little Americka is its own culture.  On one side is a cemetery on the other side is a corn field.  The aroma of cows fills your nostrils throughout your stay.  When we were there Saturday it struck me how this WAS little Americka.  I mean I would expect not much diversity beyond Scandinavia in this part of Wisconsin.  Instead there were Asians, Muslims, East Indians, African Americans.  Even the attire varied from party dresses to t-shirts and shorts.  I thought this truly is a melting pot of little America.  Ben at one

[caption id="attachment_4112" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Lotta and I on the train where you can view ducks, horses, even zebra for some unknown reason."][/caption]

point told me that this was his favorite place in the world.  While riding with him on a roller coaster, I closed my eyes for a moment and felt as if I were flying.  You know those rare moments where you can just completely let go and enjoy?

When we returned home, Ben told me his day had been so spectacular he wished it would never end.

Oh normal day

[caption id="attachment_4095" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben as a lion."][/caption]

Today is the first day of school.  Fills me with longing for Ellie, who never wanted to go to school, would rather stay home, but loved the PEOPLE she was surrounded by when she arrived.  I keep thinking of how I wish I could have been kinder, more patient, more appreciative of Ellie.  All the times I WASN'T come rushing back to me in these moments of quiet desperation.  Desperation to see, feel, smell, touch her again.  Knowing that this wish will never come true.  I can make any other wish in the world and have it come true but not that one.  AND I know that we humans can not stay in appreciation/joy forever.  I did the best I could at the time with Ellie and Ellie never ever resented me for falling short of my highest intentions.  I feel somewhat panic-y at times, feeling as if I have misplaced something.  When I drive by the funeral parlor that cremated her, I feel desperate, knowing THAT is where her body last was.  I keep dreaming of living in a new house where everything is clean and picked up.  This grief is such a wange (weird strange) animal.

I keep recalling this poem that has this line about pounding your bloody fists against the door wanting the return of you, oh normal day.  I think this is part of it, "Oh normal day let me be aware of the treasure you are, let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow."

What is so freaking frustrating is the fact that I never ever imagined Ellie in Middle School.  Never.  So why now does this, once again, feel so surprising?  Or even disappointing?  I mean who really wants to do Middle School?  Do I sound like sour grapes now?  Or perhaps with this heat, I smell like them?

While I have longed for quiet, stillness all summer, now somehow the house seems too quiet.  (Not to worry, Ben has a short day and will soon be home and fill up all the spaces with his puppy-like exuberance.)