Tripping

[caption id="attachment_3747" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben, enthusiastic even on the car ride to Chicago."][/caption]

A couple of weeks ago, we traveled to Chicago to visit the grabulous (great fabulous) Betsy C.   While we were there, we went to a children's museum and the Science and Industry Museum.  The thing that struck Thom and I, once again, was Ben's enthusiasm for learning about Chicago.  We were used to Ellie maybe acting interested, just because she loved us, but not because she truly wanted to know more.  She was so much NOT of this material world.  She was more interested in being home, snuggling down in bed, talking, hugging.  What a shocker to us to have someone in the car who actually WANTED to go to Sears Tower (apparently now known as Willis Tower.  Willis Tower!  Can you imagine??)

My superterrific friend, Cynthia was explaining to me how she has dreamed about loved ones who have passed.   I decided while in Chicago I would intend to dream about Ellie.  When I lay down, I immediately fell into a deep sleep.  Some time later, I woke up.  I mean wide awake awake.  The thought that went through my head was,

[caption id="attachment_3748" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Lotta caught the car ride excitement from Ben."][/caption]

"You don't have to dream about me.  I am ALWAYS with you."  It was as if she were saying, "Mom, Mom are you awake?"  to give me that important message.  It has given me great comfort in the last couple of weeks.  When I suddenly find myself missing her, I immediately recall that she is ALWAYS with me. 

As we prepare to take her remains to Tennessee for her burial, I honestly, sincerely, do not want to go.  I do not want to bury my daughter.  Neither do I want her remains sitting in a box in her closet.  It will be our first longer family trip without Ellie and the thought of doing it without her alive leaves me cold.  And yet, I know the last time we drove to Tennessee, for New Year's 2010, Ellie was not at all up for that trip.  I also knew at the time that she would want to go even if she could only spend a few minutes with all those family members she adored--Aunt Susan, Uncle Kip, Uncle Ghany, Uncle Kirk, Uncle Patrick, Great Aunt Suzanne, of course her cousins--Bella, Sophia, Dariush.  (As I wrote that sentence I wrote "adores' because it seems so strange to put her in the past tense.  I guess another thing to get used to.) 

[caption id="attachment_3749" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Lotta experiences the Science and Industry Museum her own way."][/caption]

The song that just came on the radio was, "What a Wonderful World."  Followed by "You'll be in my heart" a song I sang to Ellie when she was in utero.  I called it her in utero theme song.  More messages from Ellie it seems.