My brother, Kip, suggested my sister and I come to New York to celebrate our younger brother, Kirk's birthday (and not celebrate mine as I requested). It was the perfect solution to my birthday conundrum (Ellie adored that word).At Kirk's party, I suddenly had a moment of not knowing how to BE at a party celebrating. I began to cry. Honestly I do not have the energy to fake it right now. Kirk ran over and knealt beside me. I began to tell him how I was feeling then suddenly rolled into a Chris Farley Saturday Night Live routine--"I don't know how to smell good after traveling all day...I don't know how to not bore everyone in the room..." Kirk almost fell over laughing he was so surprised by my sudden turn around. Then Susan and Kip came and sat on the arms of the oversized chair where I was nursing Lotta. I felt completely safe and protected. They were my gargoyles. Any other time I think I would have felt shame for such an outburst afterwards. This time it felt as though without the outburst, my siblings and I would not have had the opportunity to connect like that. That was the real gift, feeling so connected to them.
I continue to follow the posts. You give the gift of a look into a private journey through grief. It is a reminder that this journey continues despite the "closure" of the funeral, meals brought in, friends and family who come, siblings who still need care and love. It's a picture of the tenacity and finality of love, how it goes on. It is many times too profound and hard to grasp.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know it touched me and has been a privilege to know and follow your journey.
Thank you, Pam! Occassionally, someone will tell me they are afraid to read my blog. Afraid it will be so terrifyingly depressing the won't be able to go on without the help of major pharmaceuticals (sp?). Thus the message you take from my blog is that much more meaningful to me, it's as if you really got it. Anything with Ellie, bottom line was love!
ReplyDelete