Transforming the Surreal into Real

Before Ellie passed, I  pondered whether I would ever have enough love to let her go.  Last week, I suddenly felt as if I'd made a garangtuan irreversible mistake.  I wanted to shout, "NO I don't have enough love!!!!  I just want her back." In those moments of doubt, I wonder if we gave up too soon. 

Then I look back at photos of Ellie over the last few years.  I see the evidence of a little girl not feeling well for quite some time.  And never complaining.  Just feeling worse and worse.  I think to myself that we were trying to save that sinking ship for quite some time.  We were throwing buckets of water out as water gushed in through more and more cracks.  Yet, still, I long for her. 

Last Thursday as I was driving through my neighborhood, I looked up and saw Ellie's class on a field trip, crossing the street.  It was as if someone punched me in the stomache.  I was so suddenly struck by the fact that Ellie no longer has a physical body to walk around in.  I know this seems blindingly obvious.  Yet so hard to accept.  Then I jokingly asked Thom why they weren't locked up in a classroom somewhere so that I wouldn't have to be upset (I know lame joke).  I suppose these are all opportunities to slowly absorb this "information", making it all real, rather than surreal.