Bus Stopping

[caption id="attachment_5021" align="alignright" width="300"] Lottta (with hat on) and Ben.[/caption]

Since Lotta has given up her nap, we have, while out and about, suddenly needed to rush home to make it in time to collect Ben.  I have explained how Ben would be so sad if we weren't at the bus stop to greet him.  He would probably cry.  Yesterday, we were home, dressing ourselves for the anticipated bus.  First Lotta wanted to wear Ellie's "jilled" hat.  Then she noticed I had on my warmest hat, a bear hat given to me by one of my lovely Jennifers (thanks again, Jenny!).  Lotta decided she needed to wear her bear hat from Uncle Kippy.  Then Lotta wanted to wear mittens, so we scurried around trying to find the teeny tiny mittens that fit her hands.  Finally Lotta determined that she did not in fact want to wear a hat at all because, after all, it was not raining (I think she meant snowing here as we'd discussed how the snow can make your hair wet and you know how she feels about wet hair, she is NOT a fan.)  As I peeked out the front door, I saw the bus at the corner.  Lotta and I raced out the door in a panic.  Lotta proclaiming the whole way as she ran, "BEN WE ARE COMING!!! BEN WE ARE COMING!!"  It was such a compassionate, sweet thing to do, worried that Ben would be scared and sad, she attempted to re-assure him from up the block.

[caption id="attachment_5018" align="alignleft" width="300"] Lotta copies Ben measuring his wing span at the zoo.[/caption]

Later that afternoon, Lotta was having a melt down about markers.  She wanted to use my permanent markers, I wanted her to use her washable markers.  I was going upstairs to retrieve her markers, while Lotta was crying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. (Two-year-olds are so so excellent at the dramatic throw down and cry, I've found.)  Ben came over and said to Lotta, "Lotta do you need a Ben hug?"  Lotta replied that she did not.  Ben assured her that when she did need a hug, he would be available.  As I descended the stairs, I saw Ben carrying Lotta, as Lotta gave him a full-on, four-limbed hug (you know the kind, where you utilize the legs in the hug in addition to the more traditionally utilized arms).

Those two are such a pair!  I am completely and utterly amazed at their love and camaraderie and compassion towards one another.  I know this a rare and unique gem to have siblings, so young, adore each other so much.

Like a Raisin

I recall maybe 5 years ago reading that Brad Pitt was going through a "midlife crisis".  And I thought, "What?!?!?"  I don't understand, he's MY age?!?!

Then more recently, I received an e-mail informing me that they were starting a new "empty nester's group" for people aged 40-60.  Again, I was shocked.  I am not anywhere near being an empty nester, I'm still filling it up!

The other day Lotta gave me a big hug in front of our mirror.  I noticed the laugh lines around my eyes.  I felt proud of them.  As if they were a badge proclaiming all the years I had the privilege of laughing, having fun.  The looked particularly beautiful to me pressed up against Lotta's sweet, smooth "perfect" skin.

Mommy Back Home

So Lotta has been in the process of giving up her nap.  At this point it is either have her take a late afternoon nap when she needs it and then have her stay up watching adult programming with Thom and I, or have her skip a nap and go to bed when Ben does.  This means, of course, that there are times when she becomes incredibly tired.  This has allowed Lotta to be on the go more which she enjoys.  So on Wednesday, Lotta and I had sort of attended her Toddler Yoga Class.  It being  a bit warmer (above freezing!), I wanted a walk.  I had thought the class started at 10:30, but alas, it actually started at 10:15.  When we arrived at the library, the class was still in session, however, Lotta was determined to play on one of the new computers, while I was determined to not cause another scene at the library.  After she'd played on the computer and with a variety of other library toys (a doll house, puzzles, puppet show)  Lotta then felt good and ready to attend class, but again, alas, the class was long over.

After lunch at home, Lotta and I decided to go to Goodwill in search of shirts to decorate for the 13 days of Ellie.  Lotta was excited to leave so quickly after our previous outing.  Of course any time you are dealing with a 2-year-old, the time preparation is extensive.  Even changing a diaper turns into a 20 minute activity as Lotta has to gather all of her stuffed animal friends, show how extremely high she can jump, request that her previously mentioned friends get diapered first, etc. etc. etc.

Finally finally we were out the door and on our way.  We pulled into the parking lot and Lotta told me, "Me just stay in car."  Hello?!?  I mean this isn't 1976 where that sort of behavior would be acceptable.  I cajoled and pleaded with her to no avail.  I mentioned the toys in the store and the shoes (she adores trying on shoes).  None of my usual tricks were working.  I brought her kicking and screaming into the store.  Probably, the opposite of what any parenting book would advise.  I put her in the cart.  She continued to howl, yelling, "Let me OUT!!  Let me OUT!!"  I released her from her cart prison, where she immediately performed a limp fall to the floor so popular with the toddler set.  I continued to attempt rational conversation.  Finally, I gave up.  I couldn't believe we had actually made it to the store and were just going to give up without.  I was completely peeved.  I took Lotta out of the cart, gathered our things and instructed her to walk out the door.

Suddenly all became quiet.  She turned to me and said, "Me OK."  Boy was I confused.  She was suddenly inexplicably ready to shop.  All throughout our shopping venture, Lotta was the picture of sweetness.  Having recovered myself and ever so appreciative that we were actually able to accomplish our goal, I returned to my former calmer self.  Lotta and I basically had a big love fest going on in that store, me assuring Lotta how much I adored her with lots of hugs and kisses and Lotta proclaiming, "Mommy back home."  Meaning she was happy that "mommy" was back replacing "Crazy Mamma" who had been in attendance before.  Which I thought was pretty profound because when I was in the space of Crazy Mamma, it was as if I had completely left the building (or left her in the car).  And now, Lotta recognized the true me was back.  Like I always told Ben, it's the reconnecting that is so sweet after those big messy melt downs.

 

Seeker of the Magnificent

[caption id="attachment_5077" align="alignright" width="225"] Magnificent children snuggling![/caption]

Maybe a week before holiday break, I walked with Lotta to Ben's school.  It was a chilly cloudy day, the big snow had not yet fallen.  Suddenly, as I came up over a bridge I just had the indescribably delicious feeling of everything being so magnificent.  And I wondered where this feeling hid itself so much of the time.  And I wondered whether or not I could seek this Magnificence on a daily basis.  What would I need to give up to be this kind of seeker?  What stands in my way?  Self-doubt?  Worry?  Fear?  Just like Ellie continually looking for those yellars (yellow cars) what would I discover if I searched for magnificence?  So for 2013, I will be a Seeker of the Magnificent. And what better time than when I am miraculously pregnant for the 4th time.  What is more magnificent than a new born baby, or even the growing of that baby inside?

Bach Bach

As you may or may not know, Thom loves his chickens.  And now, so does Ben.  Last night, as we were eating bedtime snack, Lotta was standing in the kitchen swinging her arms back and forth.  You know, the way little kids often do.  In one of her hands was a tiny toy chicken.  Suddenly, I noticed a piece of something on the floor.  I inquired what had dropped out of Lotta's hand.  She nonchalantly stated, "Poop".  Which surprised me until I realized she just assumed that the chicken in her hand had pooped on the floor.  I mean it's a risk you take when holding a chicken, right?

Being a life coach, I like to ask the hard questions.  The other day, I questioned what was Ben's favorite part of our home.  I love the way Ben responds, he is unafraid that he is going to give the "wrong" answer and just immediately responds with the first thought in his head.  He enthusiastically stated that the chickens were his favorite part of our home.  When I asked Lotta the same, she responded, "Bach Bach" which is what she calls the chickens.  I  found it interesting that even though Ben said the word "chicken" Lotta was still able to utilize her own word, "Bach bach".

Recently we took a trip to St. Louis to visit Thom's parents and younger brother and family.  On long trips, there is a drive though coffee shop we visit before embarking on our trip.  We bought Ben and Lotta a smoothie from said shop (in a tiny coffee cup, Ben's favorite).  I had taken Lotta's smoothie and put in the front cup holder to avoid a spill.  Suddenly, Lotta started caterwauling, "Moovie movie!!!"  Since she doesn't have her "s" sound yet, I assumed she was saying "smoothie",  when I handed her her cup, she continued to say, "NO movie movie!!"  Then I realized she actually was saying movie.  Oops.  I imagined in her mind how ridiculous it all was, how much more can I pronounce this word "moooovie???"  before they get it??  Geesh people.

The Surprising Thing

[caption id="attachment_4986" align="alignright" width="225" caption="A happier Lotta..."][/caption]

It started with a runny nose on Tuesday, which quickly led to coughing and wheezing Wednesday.  That was the progression of Lotta's most recent cold.  Wednesday night was the worst as Lotta developed a sore throat. Growing up with Asthma I have an extremely low tolerance for wheezing/breathing issues in my children.  Wednesday night went like this--Lotta would finally fall asleep for say 10-20 minutes before waking up screaming, crying, upset, gasping for air.  It felt as if I was being tortured as every time I would fall asleep, I would suddenly be woken up with extremely loud crying.  By midnight, I was losing it.  Then Lotta became so upset she started throwing up.  Thom, being the super dad that he is, helped me get her all cleaned up and back in bed where she once again fell asleep for a short nap.  As she was napping I was suddenly transported back to the night Ellie died, when she was struggling to breathe her last breaths.  Ugh.  I felt so powerless and frustrated and angry and sad with that longing for Ellie.  I abhor these breathing challenges.  I cannot stand them.  I wish no one ever had to go through them ever. I had a really good, ugly cry right then and there as Lotta lay sleeping not so peacefully.  When I was done, it was as if I had cleared out some extra junk.  I was then able to be compassionate and patient with Lotta for the rest of the night (well until about 5:30am when I was reaching the point of exhaustion).  I felt amazed that being able to walk through that grief allowed me to be more of the mom I wanted to be.  I guess the fear is  that if I allow myself to grieve I will be unable to be the mom I want to be.  The whole thing was highly freeing and surprising.

Last night, Lotta and I both slept oh so soundly.  As I woke up I thought how a truly bad night's sleep can give you such an appreciation for a good one!

A Stuart Smalley Moment

The other morning before school, I peeked downstairs to see what Ben was up to.  He was having an in depth conversation with himself in the mirror by the front door.  A highly amusing conversation at that, as a lot of laughter was taking place.   I inquired whether he needed to get his coat on for the bus.  Quickly he threw his jacket on and raced out the door.

We began a new tradition of taking an after dinner walk.  Ben loves this because now it is dark outside and it seems like a special treat to get to walk in the dark together.  Now every night it is Lotta who races immediately following dinner to put her shoes on.  And it is Ben who wonders in the afternoon whether or not we will be taking our evening constitutional.  During one of these nights, Ben suddenly exclaimed how happy he was that we had had Lotta because he would have been highly lonely after Ellie died.  I had to concur.

Another day last week, I suddenly heard Ben yell, "Lotta this is NOT a joke!" as he tore through the house.  Then the whole downstairs exploded with laughter and giggles as Ben continued to chase Lotta around the house.

[caption id="attachment_4977" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bet you did not know you could go on a Space Shuttle ride in Slater, Missouri!"][/caption]

At Ben's most recent dental visit, he was, once again, super excited about the FREE toy he would receive after the visit.  Last time he was given two toys because he'd done so well and he was quite sure he could outdo his previous performance.  When the dental hygienist opened the treasure box, Ben chose a golden ring with a pink stone.  I was a little surprised as he had been collecting horses from their stash, but knew, most likely he had a plan.  When we arrived home, he would not let Lotta play with his new sparkly jewel.  He inquired whether I thought it was real gold.  He looked disappointed when I told him probably not.  Then he inquired whether the stone was real.  Again, a look of disappointment as I explained that, no in fact, they were not giving away precious jewels at the dentist.  I think he'd had plans to sell that ring and become rich.  Suddenly, Lotta's wish came true and she had herself a brand new ring.