Hopital

Lotta stood on the couch announcing to her audience members (Ben and Zibbi and I) that she would never ever go to the hopital again.  She repeated this adamantly.  Suddenly she stopped.  She realized the more she said the word, "hospital" the less it sounded like the word hospital.  Until finally she proclaimed that she had no idea how to say that word.  (Which I actually thought was pretty self-aware since most of the time she has no idea that the words she is saying sound nothing like how we are expecting them to sound). 

Ben loved going to the hospital when Ellie was alive.  He would choose the next room he wanted her stay in during her current visit.  So when he was admitted to the hospital on Friday, I told him his dream had come true of getting to stay in his own room and control his own bed.  The reason for the hospital stay was that we had just discovered that Ben has type 1 Diabetes at his pediatrician.  Standard procedure is to go to the ER to be admitted to the hospital.  Now for a guy who does not in any way like blood or needles all of this is a pretty daunting diagnosis.  Whenever he would start freaking out, I would bring sweet Zibbi over and she would lay her head on his shoulder and wrap her little arms around his chest in a big wonderful hug.  Then how could he possibly stay freaked amidst all that?  Basically now we are in the hospital to decrease his glucose level slowly and learn how to administer the insulin his body is no longer producing in sufficient quantities. 

Almost immediately after we learned of Ben's diagnosis, our superb endocrinologist friend texted and said she'd heard that Ben had been diagnosed and wondered if we wanted company in the ER.  She arrived at the ER with a bag of art supplies for Ben and a big hug for Thom and I.  She let us know that Diabetes is actually her specialty so if we wanted her to be, she could be Ben's doctor.  I mean, getting to spend more time with the awesome Jen Rehm.  "YES!" to that one.  (I mean of course we'd rather meet for croissants than at a doctor's appointment, but sometimes you take what you can get.)

Lotta went on a playdate with our magnificent friend Wendy (pronounced the same as "windy" in our household).  Wendy and her son Max took Lotta to a farm that has a house filled with tiny kitty cats.  Lotta is in heaven in this house and when we visit the farm, we spent a great deal of time there.  Wendy told me that on the ride there, Lotta became extremely sad because she was worried that Ben was going to die like Ellie had.  Wendy reassured her that this was not the case, that Ben is extremely strong and that he is in fact at one of the best hospitals in the country.  (I know the details of this conversation because we had the same conversation on the ride home from the hospital and Lotta told me "Windy already told me that...") 

And once again I am reminded of how being in the hospital throws all the other insignificant things (laundry, dirty house, e-mails) to the wayside and puts my family right smack dab in front of me with nothing to do but enjoy each other (and learn about carbs and insulin and pokes.)  And Ben, feeling perfectly well, is having a great time ordering room service and watching movies and playing in the play room.  He said he is going to pretend he is staying at a really nice hotel.  Told him I used to do the same thing.  Even like to use the words "Checking in" and "Checking out" (although I rarely leave tips). 

Thanks for all the love and support flowing in!

Dog starts with "P"?

Lotta dressed for puddles, mud, and melting snow.

At breakfast, Lotta was sitting at the kitchen table, saying aloud how much she wanted a kitty cat over and over.

Then at dinner, we were playing a game where you try to come up with the most outrageously positive word for each letter of the alphabet.  Lotta of course wanted to join in. So she would say kitty cat for almost every letter.  After a bit, she switched to saying "puppy" for each letter.  So when we arrived at "p" I told Lotta, "Ok now say your word, now its time!" She enthusiastically responded, "doggie!" 

Birthday drama

Will Smith just turned 45. He explained to the new Tonight Show host, Jimmy Fallon, how he feels like he is going into the third quarter of his life. There is (apparently) no sport in which you suddenly give up and lie around because 3rd quarter is super important to the outcome. So Will has begun to challenge himself to do things like sky dive.

Unfortunately, instead of taking Mr. Smith's positive influence, I was a bit of a Debi Downer this year (ok, maybe a LOT).  Once again I had that feeling as if every birthday I am traveling further away from ellie. And I suddenly just wanted to stop it. 

Then, as I was contemplating Lotta's outfit for the day and how it would have to be birthday worthy, I was transported back to the moment, in front of that same closet, trying to pick out Ellie's last outfit. How I felt there could not possibly be anything in there that would be worthy of that kind of finality.  Which as you probably suspected made me a weepy hot mess.

As I was explaining all this to Thom, he suggested that perhaps with each birthday I could imagine myself actually driving CLOSER rather than FURTHER from ellie.  Hmmm a bit of reframing. He wasn't sure if it would make me feel better or worse but somehow it made me feel better (or bed-der as Ellie would say.) 

The fourth

When I was pregnant, IF I happenend to be alone, others around me would want to know if this were my first pregnancy. It seemed as if these eager questioners wanted to dole out parenting advice. Imagine the disappointment when I responded this was in fact my fourth child.

I discovered during this time that if I left ellie out of my count then I would feel badly having excluded my first born. Or I could choose to not talk about ellie allowing my listener not to feel bad. Ultimately I decided to talk about ellie because I had to live with myself for the rest of the day. I know selfish right? And it felt somehow disloyal if I didn't mention her.

So a few months back, Ben was asked how many

siblings he had. He mentioned Lotta and Zibbi. For the first time, he did not include Ellie. I completely get it on the one hand. How it is just easier NOT to have to explain. And it felt somehow like a turning point. Made me realize how very soon Ben will have lived more of his life without Ellie than with her.

Future Princess

Lotta in a twirly dress from Agogo.

Every morning Lotta wakes up and immediately proclaims, "I'm bigger!!"  Must be amazing to feel yourself getting bigger and better every morning.

Lotta has decided she does not like boys.  When we hosted playgroup every thing our resident male would do would cause Lotta to storm out of the room.  She would tell me, " That man just jumped" or "That guy is TOO LOUD!"  I thought this wasn't supposed to start for a few more years.  She is precocious that one.

Lotta with make-up or paint in a twirly dress.

Then at dinner this week we were discussing 4K and how there would be so many fun children with whom to play. If you didn't know, Lotta is highly charismatic.  Last week we went to an indoor playground.  At first, Lotta played with Ben.  Suddenly, I turned around and Lotta was sitting in a clubhouse with a bunch of children.  Two or three of the girls adopted Lotta and escorted her wherever she wanted to go.  It reminded me of when someone suggested a future career path for Lotta (I cannot recall which one) and Lotta replied she is going to be a princess when she grows up.  She was practicing for her future reign at the indoor playground.

But I digress, back to that dinner conversation about 4K and boys...Lotta reminded me that she does NOT like boys. I said she could play with the girls as long as she was kind to the boys. She responded that she would wear her pretty swirly dresses to school, the boys would fall in love with her and beg her to marry them.

What a quandary that would be with her not even wanting to play with them.  I hope she never loses that confidence!  

Momma Look at My Face.

We were riding in the minivan when we heard an ambulance.  Lotta commented that she thought the ambulance would help someone hurt.  I wondered aloud if Ben recalled riding in an ambulance with Ellie.  He had.  We talked about how much he loved riding in the ambulance as much as Ellie hated it. 

Suddenly Lotta said we should go pick Ellie up. 

Shocked, I explained that we couldn't do that because Ellie had died.

There was silence in the backseat.

Lotta said, "Momma look at my face. I yooo yad Ellie dead." 

I told her that I too was sad that Ellie was dead.  I went on to explain that if Ellie were alive we would never leave her somewhere without us. We would always be with her taking care of her.

Then Lotta asked if Ellie's momma had died.

Surprised, I explained that I was in fact Ellie's mom.  She was Ellie's sister.  We went through everyone's relationship to Ellie. 

Then Lotta became once again confused as she came to my mom who had just departed from a visit.  Throughout the visit, Lotta referred to my mom as ,"your mommy" rather than "agogo" the term for grandparent in Malawi.

Another one of those instances where I thought we had all been discussing the same thing only to discover Lotta had been hearing a completely different story.

Angels Angels Everywhere

Much easier getting in than out!

Lotta, Zibbi and I attended Ben's Valentine's Day Party. We were in charge of games. What shocked me about the whole party was how incredibly unhappy Ben was in his classroom. Never have I witnessed Ben so sullen and awkward.  It was painful.

Near the beginning of the school year, Zibbi, Lotta and I participated in the Marquette Mile, a fund raiser where the entire school walks together.  It was the last school event Ellie ever participated in.  When Ben's class lined up outside for the group photo, Ben was standing beside his teacher.  Suddenly he was knocked out of this spot, and I watched as he frantically attempted to find a spot for himself.  I waved him over beside me and gave him a big (hopefully) reassuring hug.  What bothered me later as I pondered the scenario was the possibility that Ben was spending his days feeling that out of place and uncomfortable and, well, just frantic.

All of this is such a contrast to Ben's experience in 1st and 2nd grade when he was absolutely blossoming.  His teachers continually told me how well liked he was, what an astounding writer he is, how caring and kind he is.  The time I presented The Angry Monster Book to the class, Ben was the guy completely engaged, raising his hand.  Practically glowing.  His teachers were magnificent, spending a full month teaching kindness.  The fit for him was perfect, and I knew even on those days when I was not at my best, Ben would have spent the majority of his day feeling happy and confident, surrounded by love and acceptance.

This whole thing has really made me up my game, as I realize now how challenging each day at school is for him, I realized how our love and kindness and acceptance is even more critical.  I mean on the one hand I am happy he has family support where some other students might not.  On the other hand, as a mamma bear, I don't want him slogging through this mess!!

Monday following V day, I made an appointment with the principal (yes I went straight to the top!  Reminded me of the times "crazy Momma" reared her head at the hospital to get things done.)  She is a fabulous principal and told me at one point during the meeting how she just loved our family (how could I not think her fabulous after that comment?).  I felt much reassured that Ben would be receiving some additional during his school day.  

As I approached Ben's classroom for pick up, a woman approached me saying, "Hi!" as if she knew me.  Unfortunately, this wange thing has happened to my memory following my fourth born.  I now often encounter people I have absolutely no memory of meeting.  None.  Now the thought of not recalling someone's name seems like a step up.  Anyway, this lovely woman could tell from the blank look on my face that I had not a clue.  She explained that we'd met at Costco.  It all came back to me.  She sat down next to us in the food court and went on and on about how Ben just continually made her day with his friendliness and his smile.

Once I was oriented, I told her (her name is Kathleen), about how Ben has been struggling this year.  She told me the guys she typically sees Ben with and one guy she has tried to set up with Ben.  It made me feel as if all along, Ben has had this angel looking out for him.  I wanted to ask her, "Did Ellie send you?" 

   

No Empty Buckets

Thom and Zibbi's buckets are full.

At Ben's school there is talk of "filling your bucket" or "filling someone else's bucket", meaning you do something kind that fills the other person (or yourself) up with good stuff.  Emptying your bucket would be the opposite, doing something mean that leaves the other person (or yourself) feeling empty.  

At the beginning of the school year, as we were walking home one day from school, Ben told me that a fifth grader (just to re-cap, Ben is in 3rd grade) pushed him against the fence and started making fun of him.  He told Ben that he was just a 3rd grader, that his ears were big, he grabbed Ben by the nose and continued to taunt him.

Lotta's bucket is full!

Ben was very proud of himself as he described how he would NOT allow the other kid to bully him.  He just shrugged and said, "Yeah, I AM a 3rd grader."  and "I like my ears."  Ben told me that he refused to let the other guy empty his bucket, he had his lid on tight.

I am sure you will not be at all surprised, this description brought out my momma bear.  I phoned his teacher who went to speak with the 5th grade team.  The principal was notified. She explained to me how she wanted to have a meeting with Ben and the other student to allow them to have a discussion where the two boys could interact in a different way. After the meeting, I inquired how it went.   Ben informed me that he was never afraid of the other guy.  That Ben is a true super hero!

Super Ben!

Best Days

BEN WATCH OUT!!

Sweet Lotta

Ben and Zibbi at the Children's Museum.

Ben had been asking to go to the Natural History Museum and Children's Museum in Rockford, Illinois all summer.  All summer I was nervous about taking a newborn for an hour and a half car ride (or van ride).

At the end of October, Ben had Thursday and Friday off of school so we finally decided, now that the baby is 5 months old, it was time.  It was Zibbi and our mini-van's first out-of-state trip.  We stopped on our way in and ate at Jessica's restaurant, a diner style restaurant where we were the youngest patrons by numerous decades. Lotta ordered a Minnnie Mouse pancake so it came with a whipped cream bow.  Breakfast for lunch is AWLAYS a big hit.

On the outside of the Children's Museum is a huge banner that reads something about how the museum is rated number 7 by Forbes magazine.  Made me chuckle to imagine the cheers, "We're number 7!!  We're number 7!!"

There is an outdoor area of the children's museum that features, amongst numerous other amazing items, an archaeological dig site.  Ben and Lotta were digging for bones when I turned my back for just a moment, when I looked back Lotta had removed her boots AND socks and sat enjoying herself in the brisk 40 degree weather.  Whenever I suggest something ridiculous like a coat or shoes that cover her feet (as opposed to flip flops) Lotta laughs, telling me not to worry, she LIKES the cold.  A true Wisconsin girl she is.

The highlight of the trip was when we went to retrieve snacks from vending at the Children's Museum.  As we sat nibbling, Ben suddenly exclaimed how THIS was his best day and just when he thought his days couldn't possible get better, he has the greatest day of all.  His days just keep getting better and better what else could I want for him?