The fourth

When I was pregnant, IF I happenend to be alone, others around me would want to know if this were my first pregnancy. It seemed as if these eager questioners wanted to dole out parenting advice. Imagine the disappointment when I responded this was in fact my fourth child.

I discovered during this time that if I left ellie out of my count then I would feel badly having excluded my first born. Or I could choose to not talk about ellie allowing my listener not to feel bad. Ultimately I decided to talk about ellie because I had to live with myself for the rest of the day. I know selfish right? And it felt somehow disloyal if I didn't mention her.

So a few months back, Ben was asked how many

siblings he had. He mentioned Lotta and Zibbi. For the first time, he did not include Ellie. I completely get it on the one hand. How it is just easier NOT to have to explain. And it felt somehow like a turning point. Made me realize how very soon Ben will have lived more of his life without Ellie than with her.