Being Ms. Scarlett

Sometimes I just feel so incredibly exhausted with the weight of it all.  The enormity of missing Ellie, the continual shock of when and where it hits me.  At times, I feel dramatic, like Scarlett O'Hara, as if I should throw on a fancy handmade curtain dress, fling myself down, indicating that I cannot possibly go on.  Then, I think to myself, OK, just do the one thing in front of me.  Just focus on that one thing, don't think about the rest.  Once I do the one thing then it seems easier to do the next thing.  What a cliche?  Eh?

Yesterday we were out of chocolate ice cream.  This summer chocolate ice cream has become a staple in our home.  We try to wait until after noon to start eating it.  Sometimes that works out.   Anywho, we were on our way to Stop-n-Go for some emergency chocolate ice cream when Ben asked me if I wished my brain could be washed of any memory of Ellie.  What an astute question!  I could completely see why he would ask that.  I told him Ellie helped me to be the person I am today.  She helped to create the amazing life I have now.  I would not trade that, even knowing that I have this grief to contend with now.  Ultimately, even in those dramatic, Scarlett moments, I cannot feel sorry for myself.  Because I know that I had the most wondrous gift.  I got to have an Ellie for 11 years.  How fortunate am I?  Take that Scarlett.

Plus, Ellie keeps sending me messages.  (Or so I like to believe).

On Thursday, we went to Trader Joe's (yum!!)  As we were checking out, I noticed the name tag of our checker.  "Ellie" it said.  I asked if "Ellie" were short for "Elizabeth" she acknowledged that it was, and she confided that she wished it were spelled with an "s" rather than a "z".  Our total was 113--you know like January 13th (the day Ellie passed).  Earlier that day when we ate out, our total had been $26 (as in January 26th-Ellie's birthday).