Searching for Happy

[caption id="attachment_4019" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="The many faces of Ben."][/caption]

Ben has declared his summer a class-free affair.  He wanted a break from the rigors of kindergarten.  We tried for 2 weeks to do classes, with limited success.  I knew that I did not have the energy to convince him every single morning of the value of attendance, so we dropped out.  He is such a creative guy I think he just needs the luxury of relaxing, creating.

We went to one of our all time favorite restaurants, Manna Cafe, July 4th weekend.  Ben had a major meltdown.  I mean major, huge, takes me almost a month to even write about it scene, right out there for all the outdoor dining guests to enjoy.  Brunch and a show for free!  Nothing was right for him and he just screamed and yelled for maybe 20 minutes straight.  Finally when he started to gain some semblance of humanity, I asked him if it felt scary to be that upset.  He confirmed that it was.  He told me, "I just want to be happy again."  We talked about how when you are feeling badly, it is hard to imagine that you will feel good again.

I absolutely know that many of his most recent outbursts are not for the reason he claims.  Which is sometimes challenging to recall in the middle of them.  When I just wanna roll my eyes.  Or lay down myself.  Or have some more chocolate.

Monday, we went to Monty's Blue Plate Diner, Ben told me that it was the best day ever.  He explained how when it is sunny outside he has a fluttery feeling in his middle.  He feels excited.  Looks like he found happy.

Super Sister to the Rescue!

[caption id="attachment_4013" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Susan with Lotta in New York in March."][/caption]

So seriously, my sister can do anything.  She texted me Friday night asking if I had my mom's phone numbers in Malawi.  Apparently there had been some rioting in Mzuzu (one of the places where my mom lives in Malawi).  Susan wanted to check and make sure my mom was safe.  Even though she was in Prawnee where there is no cell phone service, she was somehow able to get ahold of my mom, who happened to be at the orphanage which is out in the bush where there is also no cell phone service.  Within 24 hours she had obtained the information she wanted.  See why she is my emergency contact even though she lives over 600 miles from me?  Seriously.  How did she do that??

Spalking

Magnificent Mike and Amazing Amy

I wrote this blog for my brother-in-law, Mike, a couple of years ago, to celebrate his birthday on July 26.  For some reason, I did not publish it then.  Maybe because now it seems even better than it would have then.

When we were in St. Louis for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, Ellie was into "spalking" or spin walking across the floor.  At one point during our visit, Thom's older brother Mike began to spalk all the way across the floor as he shouted, "I'm spalking, I'm spalking!!"  Every time we go to St. Louis, I recall that moment.  So priceless.

Probably the thing I like most about Mike is how he connects with Ellie.  Once when Ellie was having a hard time with all the noise and stimulation of a large family crowd, her Uncle Mike took her into the "laundry room office" and talked with her about how he sometimes feels overwhelmed with so much noise himself.  There were times when I was growing up that I felt out of place during family gatherings and when Mike took Ellie aside in that way, he let me know that if Ellie felt that way, she would not feel that way for long.  Not if he were around anyway.  When Michael talks with Ellie, he is so filled with patience and love, it is wonderful to watch.  He is one of those people that you just want to tell him your life story and watch out if you are around Ellie with this sort of aura, because she WILL tell you her whole life story (and I would be apt to do the same!)

I am so greatful that Ellie gets to have the experience of Michael as her Uncle and I am so happy that I get to experience him as my brother-in-law.  Happy Birthday, Michael!

Being Ms. Scarlett

Sometimes I just feel so incredibly exhausted with the weight of it all.  The enormity of missing Ellie, the continual shock of when and where it hits me.  At times, I feel dramatic, like Scarlett O'Hara, as if I should throw on a fancy handmade curtain dress, fling myself down, indicating that I cannot possibly go on.  Then, I think to myself, OK, just do the one thing in front of me.  Just focus on that one thing, don't think about the rest.  Once I do the one thing then it seems easier to do the next thing.  What a cliche?  Eh?

Yesterday we were out of chocolate ice cream.  This summer chocolate ice cream has become a staple in our home.  We try to wait until after noon to start eating it.  Sometimes that works out.   Anywho, we were on our way to Stop-n-Go for some emergency chocolate ice cream when Ben asked me if I wished my brain could be washed of any memory of Ellie.  What an astute question!  I could completely see why he would ask that.  I told him Ellie helped me to be the person I am today.  She helped to create the amazing life I have now.  I would not trade that, even knowing that I have this grief to contend with now.  Ultimately, even in those dramatic, Scarlett moments, I cannot feel sorry for myself.  Because I know that I had the most wondrous gift.  I got to have an Ellie for 11 years.  How fortunate am I?  Take that Scarlett.

Plus, Ellie keeps sending me messages.  (Or so I like to believe).

On Thursday, we went to Trader Joe's (yum!!)  As we were checking out, I noticed the name tag of our checker.  "Ellie" it said.  I asked if "Ellie" were short for "Elizabeth" she acknowledged that it was, and she confided that she wished it were spelled with an "s" rather than a "z".  Our total was 113--you know like January 13th (the day Ellie passed).  Earlier that day when we ate out, our total had been $26 (as in January 26th-Ellie's birthday).

 

The Difference Between Ellie and Lotta

[caption id="attachment_4026" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Ellie nonchallantly standing."][/caption]

Lotta started taking some steps over the last couple of weeks.  Here is the difference between Ellie and Lotta.  The day Ellie took her first steps, Betsy C was over visiting with us.  Ellie was busy occupying herself.  I imagine I was super excited to have another adult to converse with and was probably talking super fast.  Suddenly, Betsy C. said, "I think Ellie (Betsi at the time) just started walking."  We jumped up excited to see Ellie taking her first steps.  It was as if Ellie wanted to figure it out on her own before sharing her accomplishment with us.

Fast forward to Lotta.  Lotta will raise herself up from sitting position.  My response, is to start clapping and saying "Good job!!"  Now, when she does this little trick, she makes sure that everyone in her vicinity notices and responds in the

[caption id="attachment_4007" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta on the beach standing (your cue to clap and exclaim excitedly)."][/caption]

appropriate way (clapping and cheering).  She requires the same response for her steps.  How much more opposite can you get from Ellie hiding herself away to practice on her own?

Last week, Ben once again inquired if perhaps we could just call Lotta "Ellie".  I explained that Lotta is NOT Ellie and so that would be confusing to call her her sister's name.  Furthermore, I explained that I do not want Lotta to

be Ellie, I want Lotta to be Lotta.  And, conversely, I do not want Ben to be Ellie, I want Ben to be Ben.  No one else can be Ellie except for Ellie.  When I said that I did not want Ben to be Ellie, he looked at me as if I finally got it.  At times, it feels as if I need a decoder to figure out what is really being said to me.  Boy does it feel awesome when I get it.

[caption id="attachment_4008" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben swims with Lotta and his Dad."][/caption]

We went to Door County last weekend and Ben for the first time started swimming.  He was so utterly proud of himself.  He would dive under the water, then swim right up to me, his big eyes wide open.  He looked so innocent and I could feel his longing for ME to acknowledge HIM.  For hours, I sat watching him swim while he would shout, "Hey, Mom, watch this!!"  No decoder needed for that one.

 

Unbouncing

There is a Winnie the Pooh story where Rabbit tires of Tigger's incessant bouncing and is determined to unbounce him.  After much hullabaloo, Tigger agrees to never bounce again.  But when it comes right down to it, all the hundred acre woods residents decide Tigger just isn't Tigger without his bounce.

The other morning, Ben was being his exuberant self.  Picking Lotta up, setting Lotta down.  Poking Lotta.  Talking LOUDLY to Lotta.  Grabbing Lotta.  I found myself saying repeatedly, "That's TOO much Ben."  What exactly does that even MEAN?

Suddenly Ben lifted Lotta up and promptly fell kerplatt on his back, with Lotta falling on top of him.  I stopped myself from proclaiming, "I told you not to pick her up, I knew this was going to happen..."  or any other such nagging type of statement that might come flying out of my mouth.  A messy bloody nose ensued and a loudly crying baby.  As I cleaned up everyone and nursed Lotta, Ben climbed into the bathtub to get all the blood off (it was that big of a bloody nose.)  As he lay in the bathtub, he was so subdued, it was as if, momentarily he lost his bounce.

Don't worry he got his bounce back.

Remember a few months ago when I felt Eyeore-ish and it seemed as if  a raincloud were following me around?  Another day soon after, I was in Blockbuster when a sudden cloudburst occurred.  Possibly even hail.  I had ridden my bike, so was preparing myself for a soggy ride home.  As I left the building, the weather cleared.  I felt "un-eyeore-ish" and I smiled, thinking of how that definitely would have been an Ellie approved word.