Give me a break

[caption id="attachment_461" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="So many fun things to do as at toddler, it is exhausting!"][/caption]

One night recently, I came upstairs to bathe my children.  They were involved in their somewhat regular routine.  Here's how it goes.  Ben does something.  Walks or talks or growls or spreads his legs apart.  Ellie begins to yell at Ben to stop or move.  Ben, enjoying the sudden onslaught of attention proceeds to do more of the offending behavior.  Ellie begins to cry loudly.  I intervene.  AND Scene. 

So as I come up the stairs, hearing my children enact their scene, I became frustrated.  I was tired.  So tired of this routine.  You know when you feel more tired than you have ever felt before.  All the way down to your bones.  Couldn't we do something different?

[caption id="attachment_486" align="alignright" width="300" caption="A far happier bath moment..."][/caption]

I stormed into the bathroom and had Ellie get into the tub while shouting at my children about my anger and frustration about the scene at hand.  Both of my children listened to my tirade.  Suddenly, Ben ran up behind me and gave me a huge hug to help me "feel better" faster.   Both of my wise children knew that I was having a moment and that it would pass.  They knew that by gently loving me and listening, the moment would pass more quickly than trying to force me into a different space.  I was not a bad mommy, I was having a moment of tiredness, frustration, anger that we all have in these human forms.  How absolutely wonderful to have children that can help me to remember that those messy moment shall pass and we can love one another through them. 

[caption id="attachment_354" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Another smiley bath moment"][/caption]

A few years ago, Thom, Ellie & I attended the Wolf Family Reunion organized by my aunt in Denver, Colorado.  We stayed with my cousin who had a lot going on--3 children, was recently divorced and had a medical condition that had taken a lot of recovery time.  Anyway, when she would forget something or not live up to her children's expectations, she would say, "Bad mommy".  It was a verbal "time out" punishment.  A self-initiated spanking.  It was as if she punished herself enough, she would be motivated to do things differently. 

I recall how I used to feel so badly when I would have a bad morning or moment, it would ruin my entire day.  I would spend the rest of the day trying to "fix" the

[caption id="attachment_232" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Turning our world upside down!"][/caption]

relationship mess I had made.  But, the more I tried to fix, the more I was motivated by guilt, the less of the super mommy that I wanted to be emerged.  That ideal mother that we all strive to be who cooks and cleans and nurtures everyone around her.  Who never tires or has a bad hair day or passes gas loudly or stinkily.  June Cleaver.  Marian Cunningham.  (These are television mothers from a by-gone era for those of you who are unfamiliar.)  How can any of us humans ever live up to this image?  And would we be incredibly boring to all of those around us if no one ever got to say, "What IS that smell?" 

One day when I was having a challenging mothering day, I realized that my anger and frustration had nothing to do with them, but had everything to do with what I was struggling with right then.  I suddenly realized that all the things that my mom did or did not do

[caption id="attachment_438" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Super Mommy here to provide a shoulder to lick on!"][/caption]

had absolutely nothing to do with me.  She is an angel in a human costume with all of the challenges that go along with being human, just as I am.  It freed me up to be the mom that I wanted to be by allowing my own mom to be human, rather than the idealized mom. 

There are still many many moments that I struggle to be the mom I want to be, but they are easier to pass through when I allow myself the opportunity to feel all myriad of emotions, rather than trying to stifle them.  Ironically, it is when I allow myself to have these human experiences that I can get back to being the mom I want to be so much faster than when I used to try and punish myself back into it.  And when we do have crazy moments, the sweet snuggles and connecting and discussion of what happened, almost make it worth while.  Almost.