Expectation Levels Lowered

Next week is spring break.  I asked if anyone had ideas of what they'd like to do over spring break. Last year when I requested suggestions, everything was just beginning to shut down, and there was a lot of confusion of what was safe to do.  So, the responses were, "Oh, maybe we could go to Washington, D.C.?"  Or "Toronto"?  Just to test the waters.  We did not end up going anywhere.  This year when I inquired, everyone half halfheartedly responded with suggestions like, "Maybe we could take a walk around the block."  It was sappy (sad + happy).  I liked that they had completely changed their expectations within a year.  But geez louise, their expectations were now so incredibly LOW.  Lower than low.  Barely even qualifying as an expectation.  So I suggested maybe we could do a trip to the farm where they have baby goats to feed, if it is open (Zibbi LOVES feeding the baby goats, Lotta LOVES the IDEA of feeding the baby goats).  I hadn't expected their sparse a response, so I didn't really have a lot of plans hidden in my back pocket.  

Then, last night, we had a Walgreen's pick up to do and Thom asked if anyone wanted to go with him.  Lotta and Benja jumped up, high fived, and shouted in excitement and glee.  (You must understand that Walgreen's is maybe a mile from our home.)  Benja asked if they could take the "long way", and Thom responded, "of course".  We've told Lotta that we don't actually need to get a dog, as Benja is as excited as any puppy dog at the prospect of going for a walk or drive.  Who knew a year ago that going for a drive to Walgreen's would be the most exciting thing happening in our week?

Re-planning the Plans

 

Last Friday was a no school day.  We made a plan that after I conducted my workshop, I would take the girls to "crazy park".  There was jumping up and down excitement at that possibility.  When we arrived, there were a few people already playing, but there was still enough room to maintain 6 feet.  Very soon, as more people arrived at the park, it became too crowded to stay.  We decided we would try another park.  Then there was argument over WHICH park.  Finally, we concluded we should go home and grab the car so if the next park was also too crowded, we could easily and quickly try another park.  As we started walking home, there was a fight and things began to roll downhill (literally, Lotta was on rollerblades).  Zibbi started getting a stitch in her side and we decided she should rest for a bit.  We mapped out where we would try next, when Zibbi proclaimed that she was just not up for leaving again, and perhaps we could play in the yard instead?  To which Lotta responded by sobbing inconsolably and running upstairs.  (The whole scene reminded me of when Benja was little and so very many times we would have to change plans because of Ellie's health.)  We made a plan to try again on Saturday.  In the best of times, family life requires flexibility, a pandemic just adds an additional layer of altering plans when EVERYTHING already feels so rearranged.  

When Saturday arrived, predictably, Zibbi had absolutely no interest in going to a park.  I also had concerns that all the parks would be crowded on a beautiful spring Saturday.  So, once again, Lotta became discouraged.  As we were trying to sort it all out, Lotta's best friend texted to ask if Lotta might want to come over and socially distance hang out outside.  And I figuratively jumped for joy!  Because if we had gone to the park, Lotta would not have gotten the invite.  I responded, "Yes yes a million times YES!!"  And we quickly put on shoes and raced over to Sophie's.  Lotta and Sophie walked around the neighborhood, even going to the school playground to just be kids and enjoy each other's company for awhile.  In the end, it really DID all work out for the best.  

That Vacay Feeling

Today with a gloriously blue sky and temperatures reaching the 60s, we hiked at Aldo Leopold Nature Center.  So very many memories there.  One year we celebrated Thom's birthday with his parents there and ran into Lotta's best friend (and family).  Benja recalled how very long the trails used to seem, when his legs were shorter.  Another year, I was a chaperone for Lotta's field trip and it was raining.  Like seriously raining.  NONE of the children had rain gear.  The younger naturist announced, "Ok, let's go, we REQUESTED you bring rain gear."  (Because NO one had).  Luckily, an older and wiser naturist arrived, suggesting that perhaps the students could borrow some of the rain jackets they had on hand.  When we were outside, one of the students requested I help tie shoes.  As I bent in the rain, in the mud, there was a cloud of mosquitoes swarming around our legs.  I just did NOT need to know about those mosquitoes.  So many times as we slogged through the rain, I thought wistfully how much more Thom would be appreciating this particular field trip than me.  He actually LIKES the mud.  He used to PLAY in it as a child.  It took every

ounce of will power not to agree with the student who kept requesting that we go back inside.  I mean was collecting bugs from a pond REALLY worth all this discomfort??  As the rain, increased, our naturist, cheerily announced it was time to go on the hike.  She then noticed that the other groups were heading back inside, and I sighed a big sigh of relief as we all went back into the building to watch a planetarium show (I still am not completely certain what that had to do with anything else we studied that day.)  What I noticed today while we were there were all the noises--the distinct bird songs, the wind, the wind rustling through the trees.  Lotta climbed a tree, and then fell to get out of it.  We almost stepped on a snake, then found a nest of snakes.  Zibbi ran ran ran (she has this sometimes twisty run that reminds me of Ellie).  When we returned home, we ate brownies that were made as part of competitive bake off yesterday.  And suddenly, I was hit with that feeling of vacation.  That feeling where FUN is the most important ingredient rather than responsibility.  It was glorious.  

Snow Related Anecdotes

Lotta's teacher was chatting up the class before their zoom officially began this morning.  She asked who had played in the snow (it snowed yesterday).  Lotta said she had.  Her teacher inquired if the snow as pack-able, if she'd been able to make snowballs.  Lotta said that wasn't what they had been playing outside.  Her teacher, confused, then asked what they had been playing.  Lotta paused for awhile, and I chimed in, "It's COMPLICATED."  Ms. Cratic laughed and responded, "Oh there was a narrative involved."  

Then as Zibbi and Lotta were preparing to go out today.  Zibbi started to slip her gloves on and noted that the insides were still damp.  I explained how I had washed all the snow clothing from yesterday and the dryer had only dried the outside of the gloves, unfortunately, NOT the inside.  As I helped her adjust them, I almost said, "At least your hands will stay dry."  Luckily, I caught myself before I made that gaff.  Of course, I then had to share that was what I'd almost said.  So.  Yeah.  Was it last week that I wrote

about going to the park for the first time??  

Fun fun everywhere

 Library pick up last week.   I arrived at around the same time as a little boy who seemed to be maybe 1st or 2nd grade?  He still had on his pjs, so I may be under estimating his age.  He explained what kind of books he was looking for to the librarian,  Ms. Heindel.  Then he immediately went over to the bike racks and started running and swinging through them like a tunnel.  First of all it made me realize once again how much I miss seeing little people more in my daily life (I mean outside of my own, of course I see THEM, silly).  Not as many toddlers and babies in the Costco right now.  Secondly, it just made me contemplate how this little person had a plan, he was merely buying time chatting with the librarian until he could go do what he really wanted, which was playing in the bike "tunnel".  It just struck me that this was his actual plan.  Children are so excellent at finding the fun around them, wherever they find themselves.  When Ms. Heindel emerged with his books, he seemed genuinely startled by the disruption of his play.  He immediately stopped and ran to pick them up.  And I was left in wonder, pondering his actions.  

Send this into the Future, Please

 

I asked Zibbi this morning, "What is your favorite body part?"  She responded her brain or her heart.  

Then I asked if there was any part of her body that she would want to change?  And she said, "I wish I had more balance, I'm not great at balancing, like roller blades or biking without training wheels."  I responded that that is a great thing to want to change, as balance improves when you use it!

I asked Lotta "What is your favorite body part?"  She responded that in 3rd grade, she'd said her hair was her favorite body part.  Now she feels like her legs are her favorite body part, because they help her to walk and roller blade and bike and scooter.  

Lotta would want to change, her asthma (particularly during a pandemic where children with lung disease have been found to have less favorable outcomes).

When I asked Benja what his favorite body part was he replied, "the brain", he would change his pancreas, because you know, one that produces insulin would be nice (especially, again, during a pandemic were this is considered high risk).  

What I appreciate about their answers is how there responses are more about what their bodies can do for them, rather than how their bodies look.  It would be interesting to see how long they can hold onto that belief, that the way their bodies work is more important than the way it looks.  Fingers crossed that it will be a long time, if not forever.

Ambivalent Birthdays

Most years I am ALL about a big bold birthday celebration.  Including getting all the free birthday items I can get my hands on. (The willingness to advertise pays off in these scenarios.) Some years, however, it just doesn't feel right to celebrate a birthday.  It's not the temperature of the room.   I felt this way the year Ellie died.  It felt ludicrous to celebrate another year when she wouldn't.  {Because my siblings are so incredible, a weekend trip was planned to NYC that year where we could do a joint birthday celebration (because our birthdays are on March 3rd, 6th, 8th, and 14th).}  

This year I had that same heavy feeling.  How could I actually celebrate another year, when so many will not get to?  Over 500,000 in the US alone.   I knew however, for the sake of my family, I needed to rally myself.  

So my birthday morning rolled around and I was doing my morning workout.  When suddenly, screaming erupted from upstairs.  Morning kerfuffles have really been THE thing lately.  I crossed my fingers as the screaming increased in frequency as well as pitch.  (Thom was submerged in the sound proofed basement, so he had no idea what was occurring above ground.)  Now, I have been a parent long enough to know that just because it is my birthday does not mean that there won't be high emotions.  There may even be higher emotions due to the expectations of the day.  Still, I was hopeful that perhaps the girls could work it out themselves.  They emerged downstairs still in the midst of the unrest.  Zibbi said something snide and Lotta began to sob.  I gave Lotta a hug.  A few minutes passed, Zibbi requested Lotta follow her to the back bathroom.  They emerged a few minutes later, tightly squeezing each other's shoulders.  

It was a gift to have a break from meditation.  Although, I know the true gift of another birthday is having the opportunity to live another year.  I know this.  Sometimes, the weight of all the loss makes even that prospect seem overwhelming.