The Surprising Thing

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It started with a runny nose on Tuesday, which quickly led to coughing and wheezing Wednesday.  That was the progression of Lotta's most recent cold.  Wednesday night was the worst as Lotta developed a sore throat. Growing up with Asthma I have an extremely low tolerance for wheezing/breathing issues in my children.  Wednesday night went like this--Lotta would finally fall asleep for say 10-20 minutes before waking up screaming, crying, upset, gasping for air.  It felt as if I was being tortured as every time I would fall asleep, I would suddenly be woken up with extremely loud crying.  By midnight, I was losing it.  Then Lotta became so upset she started throwing up.  Thom, being the super dad that he is, helped me get her all cleaned up and back in bed where she once again fell asleep for a short nap.  As she was napping I was suddenly transported back to the night Ellie died, when she was struggling to breathe her last breaths.  Ugh.  I felt so powerless and frustrated and angry and sad with that longing for Ellie.  I abhor these breathing challenges.  I cannot stand them.  I wish no one ever had to go through them ever. I had a really good, ugly cry right then and there as Lotta lay sleeping not so peacefully.  When I was done, it was as if I had cleared out some extra junk.  I was then able to be compassionate and patient with Lotta for the rest of the night (well until about 5:30am when I was reaching the point of exhaustion).  I felt amazed that being able to walk through that grief allowed me to be more of the mom I wanted to be.  I guess the fear is  that if I allow myself to grieve I will be unable to be the mom I want to be.  The whole thing was highly freeing and surprising.

Last night, Lotta and I both slept oh so soundly.  As I woke up I thought how a truly bad night's sleep can give you such an appreciation for a good one!

A Stuart Smalley Moment

The other morning before school, I peeked downstairs to see what Ben was up to.  He was having an in depth conversation with himself in the mirror by the front door.  A highly amusing conversation at that, as a lot of laughter was taking place.   I inquired whether he needed to get his coat on for the bus.  Quickly he threw his jacket on and raced out the door.

We began a new tradition of taking an after dinner walk.  Ben loves this because now it is dark outside and it seems like a special treat to get to walk in the dark together.  Now every night it is Lotta who races immediately following dinner to put her shoes on.  And it is Ben who wonders in the afternoon whether or not we will be taking our evening constitutional.  During one of these nights, Ben suddenly exclaimed how happy he was that we had had Lotta because he would have been highly lonely after Ellie died.  I had to concur.

Another day last week, I suddenly heard Ben yell, "Lotta this is NOT a joke!" as he tore through the house.  Then the whole downstairs exploded with laughter and giggles as Ben continued to chase Lotta around the house.

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At Ben's most recent dental visit, he was, once again, super excited about the FREE toy he would receive after the visit.  Last time he was given two toys because he'd done so well and he was quite sure he could outdo his previous performance.  When the dental hygienist opened the treasure box, Ben chose a golden ring with a pink stone.  I was a little surprised as he had been collecting horses from their stash, but knew, most likely he had a plan.  When we arrived home, he would not let Lotta play with his new sparkly jewel.  He inquired whether I thought it was real gold.  He looked disappointed when I told him probably not.  Then he inquired whether the stone was real.  Again, a look of disappointment as I explained that, no in fact, they were not giving away precious jewels at the dentist.  I think he'd had plans to sell that ring and become rich.  Suddenly, Lotta's wish came true and she had herself a brand new ring.

 

 

New Words

Lotta's world has broken wide open with the addition of a few new words to her vocabulary.  Two of those words are "do not".  Last night in the bath tub Lotta spent much time stating emphatically, "Do not touch the bum" as she grabbed her tush.

"Now" is yet another new addition that has changed everything.  As in I am ready to leave, "now".

"Yocks" and "ues" (socks and shoes) are yet another good way to indicate the desire to leave.

Can you tell that a large majority of Lotta's communication revolves around ways to express her desire to leave?  (In case you were wondering we DO leave the house on occasion...)

 

Messy

[caption id="attachment_4953" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Thom, Ben and Lotta at this amazing park in Slater."][/caption]

I hadn't seen my Uncle Rick (my mom's brother) since before I started having children.  And I always liked him a great deal, he has such a sweet smile and wonderful laugh.  So when we were invited to his wedding, I jumped at the opportunity.   I mean how many times do you get married the third time--only once!  At my uncle's first wedding (in the same church) I was flower girl.  I was Lotta's age and I got on all fours and began barking like a dog.  My mom said I'd never done that before it was quite a surprise. When I professed my interest in attending the wedding, my mom, Moffat and Kirk all bought plane tickets to attend the wedding also.

As the weekend approached, I became highly reluctant about the trip.  I was worried about Lotta's ability to stay in the car for days of traveling (it is an almost 8 hour trip each way from Madison to Slater, MO the wedding location).  Not a task that is a top choice for 2-year-olds.  Ben and Thom were not feeling exceptionally well, having caught the cold Lotta and I had had the week before.  So many factors to consider, so many balls to juggle.  I kept working and re-working all the plans in my head trying to figure out a way to make it all work.  I felt like canceling the entire trip.  But now 3 people had bought plane tickets, inspired by our desire to attend the wedding.  A lot of pressure.

After numerous hours of contemplation, I finally arrived at a plan that felt do-able and fun.  We would drive to

[caption id="attachment_4955" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ben playing at the park."][/caption]

Normal, Illinois on Friday where the kids and I would ride the Amtrak to St. Louis.  There was an Amtrak sale going on from Chicago to St. Louis, so we could take advantage of that without adding any time to the trip.  Both kids love the train and it would allow Lotta the opportunity to stand and walk around, again without adding time to our trip.  We arrived in St. Louis in the early afternoon, picked up at the train station by Thom, who had had 3 hours alone in the car to listen to his book.  We stayed the night in O'Fallon with Thom's mom (his dad was fishing).  We had an ever so lovely visit with her.  We were able to relax and recover and connect with Nancy, making us ready to embark on the next leg of our journey on Saturday.

Another concern I'd had was spending the day in Slater, where there is not a lot to do.  We arrived at lunchtime and met up with my mom, Moffat, Kirk and John, a family friend who'd been kind enough to drive them.  We went to this diner that had a "pizza" sign in the window, exactly what Ben was in the mood for.  When we tried to order pizza, however, we were told that no one around those parts ate pizza for lunch so they

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never turned on the pizza oven until afternoon.  When I ordered a vanilla shake, I was informed they were out of vanilla ice cream, but I could have a strawberry or chocolate.  It felt as if I should ask them what they DID have rather than referring to the menu I had been handed.  All-in-all, it was the perfect place to take in the local flavor.

The whole day was absolutely wonderful, I never felt as if the time were dragging as I'd feared when planning the trip.  My mom took us on a tour around Slater where we visited the Statue of Liberty (who knew it was in Slater, MO?!?) We saw her childhood home and her school.  We went to the graveyard and my mom explained how our family were some of the first settlers to come to Slater from Kentucky.  In the cemetery, we saw a flagpole that had been resurrected in honor of my grandfather who was a prisoner of war.

When we arrived in the church, I saw that a beautiful ribbon was dividing the bride's side from

[caption id="attachment_4956" align="alignleft" width="223" caption="Ben blowing bubbles after the wedding."][/caption]

the groom's side, and not one person was sitting on the groom's side.  Our group made a point of spreading out to plump up the section.  Made me glappy (glad happy) that we'd made the trip.

At the reception, Thom decided that the way to make people in this part of Missouri nervous was to ask what the vegetarian option was.  Not available I think would have been the response.  The food was delicious and there was plenty of meat for everyone.  We stayed in a lovely hotel on Saturday night an hour's drive away, in the direction of home.  Ben's favorite part of the hotel, besides the indoor pool, was getting to have the breakfast buffet twice

Sunday, our drive home had magical moments.  We decided we wanted to stop for lunch before Lotta fell asleep.  We wanted to find a pizza place since we had not been able to procure pizza the day before.  We got off at the most promising exit.  I looked up and there was a family restaurant with a "pizza" sign in the window, and in Iowa, apparently, people consume pizza during the lunchtime hour.  We had a surprisingly delicious lunch the whole thing unfolding perfectly.

Upon reflection, I've thought of how when you are in the middle of creating an art project, things can get messy.  Puddles of paint may be splattered about.  Right in the middle you might think everything is ruined, you should just throw that canvas away and start over.  But then, you keep going and suddenly realize you have a accomplished what you set out to.  You know that it was all worth it.  I am just hopeful that the next time I am in the middle of creating something in my life, I will remember that sometimes things get messy in the midst of planning, but ultimately, if I am able to keep on, it will all be worth it.  This trip was most certainly more than I expected, an opportunity for adventure and reconnection with family.

Whatever you do do NOT panic

On our trip to Chicago this summer, we ventured to Navy Pier to visit our all time favorite children's museum.  Outside in the middle of a a square was a fountain which Ben desperately wanted to run through, as was being demonstrated by a gaggle of kids.  After years of parenting, we have learned this is the activity to do AFTER accomplishing all other activities.  Definitely a valuable lesson.

At the appointed time, Lotta and Ben were wholeheartedly playing in the fountain, while Thom and I sat on a bench entertained.  A couple of times Lotta would run to a different side of the square and look up, seeing a different set of adults sitting on benches watching.  She would begin to panic and yell, "Mama, Dada!"  At the same time, Thom and I could see her, and we would be yelling, "Lotta, we are over here!"  She was so busy yelling however, she could not here us.

It reminded me of how I think about my "invisible friends" (angels, spirit guides, ancestors, God) that surround me giving me all the help I could ever need.  But when I am in a panic, I can't hear their calls.  It's not that they aren't there it is that I cannot hear them.  I guess I feel like right now is my opportunity to pay attention to those voices, particularly that voice that I identify as Ellie's.  Somehow continuing to develop a relationship with her even while I can no longer see her.  Maybe in some circles that makes me crazy, listening to the "voices in my head" or my "invisible friends".  Guess I don't run in those circles.  Oh well.

Train Riding

Last weekend we took the Amtrak from Normal, Illinois to St. Louis, Missouri.  Lotta and Ben were SUPER SUPER excited.  The thing that struck me about the whole trip was how incredibly contrasting the train passengers were.  For example, when Lotta and Ben and I walked to the snack bar, several passengers, looked up from their seats utterly gleaming at us.  It felt as if we were friends.  Not just a friendly smile, but as if they wanted us to stay and chat for awhile.  I felt like asking, not just, "Do I know you?"  but "Are we related?"  That was how incredibly friendly they were.  Then there was the opposite extreme.  Passengers and/or workers who were just grump-ity grump grump. Like the woman sitting in front of us who kept turning around to glare at my children as they talked in their indoor voices.   I guess I am spoiled living in Madison where so many others are as entertained by my children or at least act as though they are.  Won't even air my grievances here because it seems petty and mean.  It was a bit confusing having such vivid extremes side-by-side.

The most exciting part of the whole train trip was walking to the snack bar for lunch.  We'd bought lunch at a deli to take as a picnic, however, Ben was not pleased with his selection.  It tasted funny to him as new things sometimes do in a 7-year-old mouth.  I knew it would be a loooong train ride if he were hungry so we set off to see what Amtrak had to offer.  The gentleman serving up snacks was, once again, highly highly friendly.  Not fake friendly.  Sincerely so (he could moonlight at Trader Joe's if he wanted seriously).  Ben enthusiastically proclaimed the train hot dogs as one of the best he'd had.

We had expected the train we were on to have an observation train and a snack car and be a double decker, as the train that pulled up right before ours was.  Unfortunately, we were a single level with no observation car, making traveling through the train repeatedly offering up only the very slightest of entertainment value.  About half way through the trip, Ben became boredom.  I was feeling slightly bored myself and wasn't much help.  The backpack I'd packed for our enjoyment had lasted about 15 minutes of our 3 hour train ride.  The couple sitting in front of us de-boarded and I allowed Ben to move to that seat, while Lotta traversed back and forth between the two sets of seats.  To overcome his boredom, the rest of the train ride, Ben sat propped up against the window, just looking.  Noticing how the sky was getting darker with rain, noticing every single hawk, and the highlight--a couple of turkeys in a field.  I was once again amazed at how Ben was able to turn his fun button on and transform a disappointing, joy-less ride into something spectacular.

 

Memory Sandwiches

Sunday, September 23 was the 2nd annual Madison Make-A-Wish Walk.  We signed up late and just couldn't quite get our act together to form a team.  Which was how I wanted it when we were two weeks out from walking, just a small family function.  Then on the day of the walk, I found myself wishing we had worked to create a team.  Last year we had a big turnout and we even thought we might win the largest team award. It felt as if Ellie had been forgotten this year, which was ridiculous, because as I said, I initially wanted it to be a small family function.  Nevertheless, I was missing Ellie fiercely, even her protests at having to walk, and especially her desire to tit tat (talk chit chat) with every single volunteer along the route.  I was in a funky space.  At the end of the walk, Ben somehow became Ellie, declaring he couldn't possibly go on.  Lots of crying.  Even dropping to his knees to crawl across the finish line.  It was highly dramatic, even more dramatic than Ellie would have made it.  Felt like a little tribute to her from Ben.

Today I was bike riding with Lotta strapped to my back, it was a crisp fall morning, all the leaves aglow perfect for riding.  I suddenly had the thought that right now it is my job to make "memory sandwiches".  So many things around Madison, around our home, events remind me of Ellie.  Make me yearn to be near her again. If I am able, I can start to build new memories on top of all the funderful, delicious memories I have of Ellie.   A memory sandwich would be creating a new memory over the old ones that are already there.  Thus creating, a stackable memory sandwich.  It made me smile thinking of how much Ellie would enjoy this concept, maybe not as much as a hug sandwich, but enjoyable nonetheless.