Beauty Everywhere!

Zibbi became extremely upset when she discovered she would have to wear snowpants tomorrow to school.  She was concerned that everyone would "look at her".  I finally talked her down when I explained EVERYONE would be wearing snowpants (peer pressure already?!?!)  She then told me that her friend Eleanor had been wearing snow pants for awhile and that seemed really brave. 

We discussed how Ellie also did not enjoy wearing a winter coat.  How one year, on a bitterly cold day, I gave up and drove to the library with Ellie sans coat.  As we walked from the parking lot to the library door, a stranger yelled from her vehicle how it was too cold for Ellie not to have a coat.  Shortly after that, the "staff" came to live in our house and help out with the tasks Ellie hated.  There was "Camilla" who did coats.  Margarette did manicures.  When Ellie would explain all this to the hospital staff, they would look perplexed, until I explained that the entire staff looked surprisingly like Thom & myself, although they had different accents.  As I repeatedly explain, we aren't that branch of the Kennedys. 

Then Zibbi decided she was going to put all of the clothes we talked about on and go play in the back yard.  As she was slipping on her boots, she said, "Damn sock keeps slipping."  Makes me miss her "bammit" stage, seems so quaint, when she didn't realize that word started with a "d".  She went outside specifically to create snow angels.  At one point, she wanted me to join her outside, but I hadn't had the chance to get dressed yet, so I declined.  To convince me, Zibbi explained, "There's beauty everywhere".  And I thought wow, so true.  And I'm STILL not coming out there. 

Excitement Levels Dropping

Last year at a holiday party, we were given a holiday bingo set.  Zibbi LOVES playing this game.  I am

all set for retirement, with all this practice.  Recently, we ran across another BINGO set at St. Vinny's

with letters, which seemed perfect for helping to learn the alphabet.  After playing it once, we ran into a bit of trouble the second game as the markers kept falling off of the card.  Finally, I suggested we put the cards away for now and try again another time.  Zibbi quickly agreed.  Then she said with a sad sigh, "I'm just going to sit here and not feel excited about anything." 

A few weeks ago, at dinner time, Zibbi stood up from the table and said, "I'm shaking my butt for good luck," which, of course, elicited a great deal of laughter.  So today, I as I cleaned the kitchen, I tried the same routine.  Zibbi, straight faced, told me it wasn't very funny.  I inquired if the humor was gone because it is no longer surprising.  She said no, it was because the joke didn't work with pant

pockets. 

Namedropping...

I was very nervous about Ben starting Middle School.  I'd heard rumors that Middle School is now more challenging socially than even High School.  Plus, I know from previous experiences with Ben how challenging change can be for him.  So imagine my surprise and delight when he started O'Keeffe Middle School and just flourished.  When Zibbi and I would happen to pass the school, I'd sometimes spot the gym teachers outside.  When I'd chat with them, they would just say what a great guy Ben is.  (Our friend, Brittany who is an 8th grade teacher, explained that when you work in Middle School, you really have to seek out allies.)  They told me that if Ben was in class, everything was better. And when I attended his open house in the fall, I would walk into the room, trying to be my sparkliest best to his teachers.  But when BEN would walk into the room, their faces would light up.  I thought they might just elbow me out of the way to get to him. 

Whenever there is a concert at school, it is always a bit shocking.  All of Ben's classmates are now older than Ellie ever was.  And I go into the gymnasium, picturing 3rd-4th grade looking students and instead they are 7th graders!  Every time, I imagine I won't have the experience this time.  And every time I walk in and feel teary, and just cross my fingers they will play a sad piece that I can cry along to. A song so sad, I could look around me in astonishment to anyone NOT crying because, what are you a robot?  Every time, as I walk in to find a seat, Ben will spot me and start waving his hand wildly.  Instead of pretending he does not have parents, like his classmates, he just full on owns it.  It always makes my heart soar with love for his bravery and willingness to be who he is regardless of who he is surrounded by.  I once asked him how having Ellie as a sister impacted him, he said he felt like it made him kinder.  I have to agree, he has excelled in the kindness department.

Yesterday I volunteered at the first ever Future Quest.  All Dane County middle schools were invited to the Convention Center for exhibits displaying different career paths.  As I was chatting up the coordinator of my section, a teacher came out of the exhibition hall upset.  She asked if we could not be nice to her for a second (I am assuming this was because she didn't want to cry more).  I offered her water, because that is recommended as helpful in any situation.  She left the building and came back a few minutes later.  We started chatting and she asked who I was, and as soon as I said, "Ben Kennedy's mom", her whole face lit up.  It was as if just hearing his name, made her feel as equally happy as she'd felt unhappy just moments before.  Which, of course, made me tear up.  (It reminded me of how we used to suggest at the hospital that everyone namedrop how we were the "Kennedys", if that would help get things accomplished until we realized at the hospital it is the name "Iskandar" that gets things done...).  That guy, somehow, has found a way to shine and jed (joy spread) even in Middle School.  If he can do that, he can do anything.

Screwed

Yesterday, Zibbi came into the bathroom when I was getting ready for the day.  She showed me a small black tool in her hand.  She explained to me that she had discovered that the tool was a screwdriver and, showing me the other hand, she had removed a screw on her own.  I was a little startled, firstly that she knew what this little black tool was.  Secondly, I expressed to Zibbi my concern that screws are used to hold things together, so if they are removed, things can and will fall apart.  She reassured me that she had not removed the screw from a wall.  I immediately thought how this could be a new game for the whole family--who can find the missing screw?  I keep imagining that one of these days, one of us will sit down on chair that suddenly bursts apart because of a missing screw, or a table that falls to the floor unexpectedly. 

Later, Zibbi started to sing.  And because my lifelong dream is for life to emulate a great musical, I of course joined in.  Zibbi very politely asked me to please stop.  Then she asked if I noticed how nicely she'd asked me not to sing.  For example, she explained, she didn't say my singing stop horrible and I should stop immediately.  Hhmm.  I think the asking nicely might have been erased by the explaining what she could have said. 

Poon

Before Zibbi started 4K, we discussed the prospect repeatedly.  One day, we were sitting at the dining room table when she suddenly looked panic stricken.  She wondered allowed how she would survive 4K if the teachers could not understand when she says "poon" because she can't say her "s"'s.  Ben reassured her by letting her know they only have sporks at school.  Which made me MORE nervous, wondering how confused the teachers would be if Zibbi kept asking for "pork" every day.

The agony of misplacing a phone

At dinner, Zibbi suddenly put her head in her hand and exclaimed, "Oh no!" She was then momentarily distracted from her thought as she noticed green marker on her hand.  She continued to tell us that she'd forgotten the car phone in the van (a toy phone that had the Cars movie characters on it, just to clarify.)  She finished this pronouncement with a "Bammit".  Her first time trying out this word.  She didn't really know what it meant, but was stunned when the entire table burst into laughter at her obvious turmoil.  She might be watching too many shows with Ben and I that are giving her a whole new vocabulary.  I didn't want to reveal to her that this was a "bad word", because then I knew she'd pull that out whenever there was tense moment.  (Right now her knowledge of bad words includes "shut up" and "stupid" and "dumb".  She makes sure to point them out when she hears them in a movie or on television.)

Zibbi Gets Bigger

Monday (May 22) was Zibbi's 4th birthday!  When she woke up, I said, "Happy Birthday!  You are now FOUR!" She paused and looked at herself and then told me excitedly that she was indeed bigger.  She just needed to take in the physical proof of my announcement.

A few months ago, Zibbi read a book or watched a show where children were informed they could be anything they wanted to be.  Zibbi then went around telling us she wanted to be a cat or a box or a ring.  Although I don't think this was the intent of the author, there wasn't any stipulation on what she could choose.

During one of her visits, my mom suggested that Zibbi might in fact be my most dramatic child.  I was skeptical.  I mean they have all been dramatic in their own ways.  Then, I too was convinced, when I walked down the stairs to find Zibbi pretending she'd met her demise.  Yep.  She just might win the award for the most dramatic.

Also a few months ago, Zibbi and I were at one of our favorite stores, Trader Joe's.  I was dancing my way through the store as they were playing all the hits Thom & I loved in college.  It was like going to a dance club.  As I was thoroughly enjoying myself, quite suddenly, mid song, the music changed to something completely un-danceable.  I was shocked.  I mean was it ME?  Were they trying to control my unbridled enthusiasm?!?!

Then a week or so later, Zibbi and I once again found us at that magical store known as Trader Joe's.  There were barely any customers in the store.  This time, Zibbi was dancing her way up and down the aisles.  Because, you know, it's the way I taught her we do this particular store.

A surprise wedding!

I'm extremely lucky to have such amazing siblings. When I'm with them, I feel like I am my shiniest, funniest, best self.  One of my best memories is standing around Susan's kitchen reminiscing and laughing.  There was the year Ellie died and I didn't think I could possibly celebrate getting to be another year older while Ellie did not, and Kip suggested we all come to New York.  As I sat in a chair at Kirk's "surprise" birthday party, I began to cry.  (I was a bit of an emotional wreck).  Susan and Kirk sat down on either side of my chair.  They didn't try to cheer me up, they didn't try to change me, they just sat.  It was one of the most profound moments, because I felt like I had these gargoyles protecting me, that even if I felt alone, I was not.  

This weekend, I attended Kip's 40th birthday which morphed into a surprise wedding (with a marching band!).  I don't think of myself as a party person.  More of a sit down and chat over tea or snuggling down with a good book person.  My identity has changed since Saturday night.  I mean, I shouldn't be surprised that Kip Davis Myers and Patrick Kyle attract such amazing friends, as they are spectacular people.  I was shocked at how many times I was introduced as Kip or Kirk's (KT Myers) sister, I would suddenly find myself enveloped in a hug.  I felt like a celebrity.  And I think that's just part of the magic of Kip Davis Myers and Patrick Kyle, they make everyone around them feel the warm glow of celebrity status.  THEY light everyone else up.  I feel a part of an extremely special fan club now, and I'm continuing to bask in the glow of the love we all felt on Saturday night.  One of the BEST nights.  Thank you for including me and reminding me that I am NOT alone.

Half Skips and Bagel Talk

Half Skips

I've realized recently that after 17 years, this is my LAST year being a full time mom.  Next year, Zibbi will start 4K.  I'm equal parts terrified and elated at the prospect of having a few hours each day to myself.  Seems like a lot of pressure.  Knowing I am near the end, makes me treasure these fleeting last moments of togetherness with Zibbi.  Those 3-year-olds, they are such a combination of cute and exasperating.  I always say it's a good thing they are so cute or there would be big trouble.  Here are a few recent Zibbi stories.  

Bagel Talk

This morning, I made Zibbi a bagel (her favorite).  She likes to help prepare them (or anything for that matter).  As she was putting the two pieces together, I heard the bagels say--"Hey, don't squish me!  Hey I have to or we can't be together."  Even her breakfast is super entertaining right now.  

Sock Talk

Which leads me to what happened yesterday in yoga class.  Zibbi became bored of what the teacher was suggesting she do, so instead she collected yoga blocks and socks.  Then the socks proceeded to walk and jump across all the blocks in a fancy dance.  

Half Skip

For some reason, only one side of Zibbi's skip works right now.  So she spends her days "half" skipping around the house.  I'm almost not looking forward to when she actually learns how to do both sides.  

I know these stories seem so trivial and I know they will soon pass from our memories, which is why I chose to remember them here.  

I won!

I wanted to share the posts on Facebook that happened over the 13 days of Ellie this year (the days between January 13th when she died to January 26th her birthday.)  It all started with this post on January 13th...

Six years ago this morning, my 10-year-old died. I remember that night so clearly, I was lying in a bed perpendicular to Ellie's bed. All night long, I could hear her struggling to breathe. And occasionally stopping. At one point, I looked out the window and I just wondered if I could possibly stand to BE in the moment right then. To be present to what was happening. I thought that instead I really wanted to jump out the window. But somehow I didn't. So today, in honor of how much Ellie has enriched my life again and again, I wear a shirt that says, "NOW". As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized, that backwards, that's WON. Surely during the long long arduous road of grief, "lose" is more the word often uttered. I thought Ellie would really appreciate the word joke of NOW-WON and it made me smile. Thank YOU all for being on my team and helping me "win".

Just a quote...

I recently read My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult.  I fell in love with this quote, "I realize then that we never have children, we receive them.  And sometimes it's not for quite as long as we would have expected or hoped.  But it is still far better than never having had these children at all."

Boys vs. Girls

A few days ago, I explained to 3-year-old Zibbi that boys can stand up to urinate.  She was astounded.  I was shocked, because recently she has been all about how girls are so much better than boys.  She was so excited that she stuttered as she joyously announced how she couldn't wait to grow up to do that.  I think maybe I didn't explain that correctly.  Of course, I couldn't burst her bubble.