WHEEE!!!

[caption id="attachment_4381" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="On the top of the WHEEE!"][/caption]

While my mom visited last week we did our traditional trek to Dig-n-Save (did you wanna talk about Dig-n-Save some more?)  Where we discovered an adorable elephant slide for $3!  Yes, that is RIGHT three bucks!!!  Of course, we had to take it home.  I mean come on, who can pass up a deal like that?  At first, I was trying to come up with a baby sign for sliding, because once the elephant slide was set up, that is all Lotta wanted to do.  Slide, slide, and more slide.  On her own, she started calling it "WHEEE!!"  as that is what we exclaim on her many trips down said slide.  Now we have our own, less technically sophisticated version of a Wii.

As you may or may not know, Lotta is into popcorn right now.  That is an understatement.  (Even though I am prone to exaggeration, I think Thom would agree that is an understatement).  The first word she utters, even before her eyes open is "pop" (how she says popcorn) always in an excited whisper.  We try to hold off until afternoon snack.

[caption id="attachment_4382" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Need I say more?"][/caption]

Last weekend Thom felt he had gotten grumpy with Ben and was apologizing.  Ben told him, "I figured you were probably just missing Ellie."  Wow.  What a guy.

Lighting Up the Room

[caption id="attachment_4369" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Lotta and I on my "not" birthday in New York. "][/caption]

I used to feel embarrassed, ashamed when I felt super excited to see someone I knew and liked.  I consistently felt like I liked the other person MORE than they liked me.  I call it "little sister syndrome", when you feel like you are chasing after others.  "Please take me with you!! I wanna come!!"  Somehow made me feel inferior.

Last January, when my mom was staying with us and keeping our household running while Ellie was making her transition,

[caption id="attachment_4371" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Me as an acutal little sister and not just playing out the syndrome."][/caption]

Brittany would often come to visit.  After one visit she commented how my mom was one of the only people who held onto a hug as long as she did.  Brittany explained that she liked to be the last one to let go of a hug.  Wow.  I longed to have that kind of self-confidence.

Then I was reading about Oprah and how she lights up a room by making the other people in the room light up.  I absolutely knew that this was how I wanted to be.  Look at Lotta, she is at that age where she will show her enthusasism

[caption id="attachment_4370" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Yet another fantastic photo by our fabulous family photographer (besides BEN! I mean), Kip."][/caption]

for everyone around her without holding back.  She will point and squeal when she sees someone she likes.  Makes you feel like a child on Christmas morning.

Now I feel as if I am beginning to put on that skin, feeling more comfortable, and even better if I AM the more excited one.  Why not make someone else feel extra special?  Let them know how super excited I am to be in their presence?  So what if they don't reciprocate.

[caption id="attachment_4372" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Gorgeous!!"][/caption]

You know how sometimes when you are at a party or you just happen to run into someone you don't know that well.  You inquire how the other is doing.  Conversation comes to an abrupt, screeching halt.  Awkwardness ensues.  I have decided in these moments, to become a reporter.  I was inspired by this book I read, So Enough About Me: A Jersey Girl's Unlikely Adventures Among the Absurdly Famous by Jancee Dunn.  I have decided the next time there is an awkward pause, to start asking questions, working to build the connection and find out as much as I can.  Again, it feels like another way to shine the light on another person.

I know, a lot of you will probably sprint across the street when you see me coming now, afraid of my overly enthusiastic arrival, racing to embrace you in a too long hug while I hurl questions at you.  (Think Will Ferrel in the movie Elf .)  Be afraid.  Very afraid.

Huggles

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The Radio-a-Thon for Make-A-Wish was today and it was, once again, completely and totally amazing.  Made me feel a part of something bigger.  (Plus I talked to Susan on the phone for almost an hour during the ride, that always gives me a buzz.)  There is just such a tremendous feeling in a room filled with people working together to make dreams come true.  Magical.  (Thanks to Cynthia and her sleuthing skills, you can see my interview at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxzZMpIGHdQ&feature=share.  You may find the video entertaining as I remind myself of a Saturday Night Live skit.)

You know how Ellie loved hugs? So much so that she opened an internet store to "sell" (for free) huggle snuggles.  All different kinds of hugs.  A running hug, a hand held hug, a four-armed hug.  Recently I've noticed how when people give me a hug now, it is for real.  Not a fake, "A" shaped, half hearted affair.  Instead, a full bodied, authentic hug with feeling.  You know, the kind where it feels as if time actually stands still.  I imagine if we were in a movie (which I like to) that the music would swell.  What a totally appropriate way to honor the memory of Ellie.

One Month Left

[caption id="attachment_4353" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ellie on Christmas Morning 2009"][/caption]

On December 13, it will be 11 months since Ellie passed.  I am filled with fear at the prospect of the approaching one year anniversary.  All this past year, I could think back about what we had been doing with Ellie LAST year at this time.  Somehow it kept her close to me.  Very soon I will no longer have this opportunity.  I thought somehow I could just by-pass this grief.  Go another route.  Make another choice.  I have learned that, just as Camille Cosby discovered about the death of her son, this is a tunnel that I must go throw, not around or over or under.    The desperation seems to grow rather than diminish.   Trying to re-define holidays.  Which I do NOT want to do, I do not want to have these holidays without sweet Ellie.  Yet I must.  Yes, we will hang Ellie's stocking.  No, Santa will not be confused and fill it with toys.  Santa knows.

Tomorrow I will be on the radio talking about Ellie's wish for the radio-a-thon (you can listen to it on the internet on www.iheart.com, it is z104.1, in Madison, WI).  I will be on sometime between 10 and 11am (Friday, December 9).  I want to honor Ellie and help to pass the joy of a wish to other children.

What Ben Really Really Loves

Today was Ben's first ever opportunity to share at Show and Tell.  His first and only choice was to bring Lotta.  When I brought Lotta into the classroom, some of the kids just could not keep their hands off of her, they were extremely excited to see a baby.  Lotta, being a bit tired, did not take kindly to their pawing.  Then she saw Ben and she lunged out of my arms into his.  Ben sat in a kid-sized chair and held Lotta in his lap as he talked about having a baby sister.  One of his teachers asked him how it was having a baby in his house.  He responded enthusiastically, "It's a good life."  Beforehand we had discussed that he could, if he wanted, tell the class how he helped Lotta the day she was born.  (A somewhat daring prospect on my part, as you never know which part of the whole process he will share.)  What he recalled the most was how she was born with "goop" all over her, that she couldn't see until we got it out of her eyes.

Yesterday in class, Ben wrote Lotta a letter that said, "Dear Lotta, I love you.  Do you love me? I love to play with you.  I rly (really) Love you!! I rly, rly do Love you! Love, Ben"  That is an awful lotta love for his Lotta.