[/caption]On December 13, it will be 11 months since Ellie passed. I am filled with fear at the prospect of the approaching one year anniversary. All this past year, I could think back about what we had been doing with Ellie LAST year at this time. Somehow it kept her close to me. Very soon I will no longer have this opportunity. I thought somehow I could just by-pass this grief. Go another route. Make another choice. I have learned that, just as Camille Cosby discovered about the death of her son, this is a tunnel that I must go throw, not around or over or under. The desperation seems to grow rather than diminish. Trying to re-define holidays. Which I do NOT want to do, I do not want to have these holidays without sweet Ellie. Yet I must. Yes, we will hang Ellie's stocking. No, Santa will not be confused and fill it with toys. Santa knows.
Tomorrow I will be on the radio talking about Ellie's wish for the radio-a-thon (you can listen to it on the internet on www.iheart.com, it is z104.1, in Madison, WI). I will be on sometime between 10 and 11am (Friday, December 9). I want to honor Ellie and help to pass the joy of a wish to other children.
My eyes are filled with tears as I read this. You are so right about the passing of that first year. It is different, and feels like sand slipping between your fingers, when you can no longer say to yourself "this time last year, I was doing "___" with my sweet girl. I don't know if this is something you feel would be helpful (because as you know, nothing much helps), but Santa leaves a new ornament each year in Vivian's stocking. The first year was an angel holding a banner with her name on it, and last year I got the Hallmark Memorial ornament--it was a shell with a pearl and had a fitting quote on it. Between those ornaments, and the angel ornament we get each year from the Grief Recovery center (where we went for counseling), plus the two ornaments I made for Vivian for her only two Christmases, I had enough for a tiny pink tree with just her ornaments. I didn't want to put them on the big tree since they are breakable and Alden is taking the tree apart several times a day! We also leave a lighted candle burning above her stocking during Advent, and through the Epiphany. You are all in my heart and prayers every day.
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