Becoming Mom

[caption id="attachment_3796" align="alignleft" width="239" caption="Photographer Kip, Susan, Lotta and I at the burial."][/caption]

There is a cutadorable (cute adorable) photo on the Wall of Love that brought me pain every time I looked at it.  It was taken on a trip to Memphis a few months before Ellie's diagnosis in 2001.  The photo reminds me of how Ellie had started waking up at night, for the first time, and I was so tired and beside myself, that it seemed like a good idea to yell at her to go back to sleep.  Maybe that would convince her.  In the photo, she looks so sweet and innocent and vulnerable.  And I felt, by my reaction, that I let her down.  That I was not the mom I would like to have been. 

Later we discovered she had a brain tumor and THAT was why she wasn't sleeping.  Imagine the guilt.  For years I've lived with it.  One day, I looked at that little girl in the photo and thought how that not so proud moment allowed me to become a better mom.  From that place of exhaustion I realized that THAT was not the mom I wanted to be, it changed me.  Now, for the most part, I am able to take night wakefulness in stride, knowing that soon we will be back to sleep.  Perhaps I could have gotten there without all the guilt.  Perhaps I could have gotten there without all the yelling.  Of course I would have preferred that path.  However, this path has gotten me to this point, and for that I am greatful. 

I have often pondered whether I was kind enough to Ellie.  Absolutely knowing that I often fell short.  At the same time, knowing that Ellie never held any of  that against me.  Can I forgive myself for those times and utilize them to become the mom I strive to become?  Can I let them go and allow myself to catch up with the version of mom that those experiences actually created?

Wishing (hey i am no longer wishless!), yearning that I could've been the mom to Ellie that I am to Lotta.  Knowing that I am this mom because of what Ellie taught me.