Perhaps I should have groceries delivered...

I do not know what it is about Fridays.  I mean most people talk about Mondays being hard.  For some reason Fridays are getting to me.  Last Friday, I felt myself in a downward spiral.  I quickly texted my fabulous friend, Karly.  Some friends you need to schedule plans months in advance.  Karly is a spur-of-the-moment friend.  More than once I texted from the hospital and Karly would drop everything and come for a visit.  Last Friday we met up at St. Vinny's for a bit of thrifting retail therapy.   I arrived a bit of an emotional mess.  St. Vinny's just happened to have a fully set table display in the front window.  We sat down at the table and I suddenly felt as if I were in a play.  Playing the role of the grieving mother.  Then it all seemed so ridiculous we had to laugh. 

This morning I ventured to the oh-so-jolly store known as Trader Joe's.  I was in the produce section when it hit me full force like a monsoon. How do I get out of the habit of shopping for Ellie?  A friendly Trader Joe's employee came over to see if he could assist me.  I was going to joke that I always cry at the end of honeycrisp (those glorious apples) season but was too veklempt to deliver my line (dagnabbit!)  Another shopper came over.  When I explained that my daughter had passed a few weeks ago, she put her arm around me and cried too.  Once I got it out, I was able to complete my shopping (and boy did I ever shop--$167 worth!!)  When I met up with the other shopper at check-out, she congratulated me on my accomplishment.

I feel like I am walking through heavy fog most of the time.  It is disorienting and makes it hard to see.  In a previus blog I talked about how the hospital is like its own country--with its own language, food, and even time zone.  That is sort of how I feel right now.  As if I am in another country all together.  Everything seems the same and yet strangely different.  When someone asks how I am, someone who actually wants to know, I have no words to explain.  It seems such a simple question.  I feel the need to concoct a new vocabulary to depict this space of being.  I am surviving, I have not jumped off a cliff, I did get out of bed this morning.  And something is missing.  I am missing something essential.