Honoring Ellie

[caption id="attachment_3589" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie expressing her displeasure with picture taking. "][/caption]

Here is my story.  I am not trying to convince anyone to give up their story, simply sharing.  Some people have told me how they feel that its not fair that Ellie passed.  Or they do not understand why.  Or that it is not natural for a 10-year-old to die.  And I am amazed that this is collective our belief system.  Probably not 100 years ago, it was common place for 10-year-olds or younger to pass.  Even in many countries today children dying is a common occurrance.  For us, here and now, we are treated as an anomaly, practically reaching celebrity status because of this rare occurrence (and how fantastic that it IS such a rareity).  Not that I am complaining, I do enjoy feeling like a celebrity without the paparazzi.  The love and support that has been pouring in here has been phenomenal.   

We have always felt that there was a bigger picture story going on with Ellie.  As if she were an angel disguised as a little girl.  That she was not "ours" --her purpose was always larger.  Her medical stuff was just an avenue to fulfill her purpose.  We were just fortunate to be picked to play the role of her parents.  From the start she seemed way wiser than me.  I honestly believe that Ellie was finished with what she came here to do.  She had jed (joy spread) and enriched all of our lives, forcing us all to grow.  It seemed natural to us as her physical body began to continually let her down that she would drop that body and go play with her angel friends. 

Do I miss her?  Heck ya.  So much so that at times I feel as if I will split apart.  Makes me feel old and achey and slow.  I want to wail and sometimes do.  Not a day or moment goes by that it does not feel as if she is in the back of my mind.  Constantly.  I miss the sound of her voice.  Her feigning interest in all my thrift store finds.  Her incessant chatter.  Her jokes.  Her continual search for color.  Her beautimile (beautiful smile).

[caption id="attachment_3590" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="And back to jilled."][/caption]

I feel closest, most connected to her now when I am in a space of love and appreciation.  Because I believe that she is now complete love and appreciation.  When I do dip into despair, it is with the knowledge that I will feel disconnected to her in those moments most of all.  I know with every ounce of my being that staying stuck in despair would be the greatest disservice to Ellie of all.  She who could declare how happy and jilled she was the day after major brain surgery.  On the other hand, when she was angry, frustrated, sad, she was never afraid to authentically express these emotions fully so that she could quickly and easily go back to being happy and jilled.  She never faked it.  It wouldn't have even occurred to her.  That is what I too intend to do.  This, to me, feels like the best way to honor everything that Ellie taught me.