[/caption]Ben started day camp last week at the YMCA (soon to be renamed "Y", which will be hard for me not to think in my head in a dramatic voice, "WHY???") The first day Ben was a bit nervous and excited. We talked about how it's funny that you can feel BOTH nervous AND excited at the same time, particularly about something new. He did great with drop off on the first day. Then about 15 minutes before I was to pick him up, he started missing us and everything seemed sad sad sad. One of the teachers told me he was pretty much inconsolable for those last 15. When we left, Ben explained that he had not enjoyed the snack (gluten free graham crackers aka cardboard) and that he was hungry, tired, and hot. I actually appreciated that he came up with these reasons for his upset because he wasn't blaming the day camp for being "bad", which made it easier to go back to the next day.
The second day when I came to pick him up, Ben was looking for us out the window. On most sunny days (besides the first one) the children get to go to Jack Splash at the end of class. Jack Splash is an outdoor watery wonderland with lots of toys and water spraying in every direction.
By the third day at pick up, Ben was playing hard in Jack Splash not at all looking for me. As we were leaving, he started giving huge hugs to his classmates. It was as if every single day was a bit easier, a bit better than the last.
[caption id="attachment_2786" align="alignright" width="300" caption="He has gotta lotta love."]
[/caption]Last Tuesday, Ms. Zwart and Ms. Mack came over while I took Ben to day camp and then went to the grocery store. I felt so weird being at the grocery store by myself. Now there are times that I feel like I really truly need to be alone wherever that may be--in the car, at the grocery store, on a walk. But when I walked into the BIG Hy-Vee, I felt like sobbing. And a voice in my head shouted, "There is NO crying in Hy-vee!" Ben and I share an enthusiasm for shopping currently. If I say, "Hey Ben should we try these crazy straws?" He'll agree enthusiastically that yes we should. (Thom is hopeful that Ben and I not shopping together will translate into less of a grocery bill.) I suppose it just feels as if this really special time Ben & I have had over the last 2 years (while Ellie was in school) is coming to an end. Not that I won't see him, he's not afterall, getting his own apartment. Watching him change and grow and develop is such a different experience than watching Ellie and her constancy. Sometimes I wonder which one makes me more sad, the constant change of Ben or the constant sameness of Ellie. Very soon Ben will have this whole other life away from the rest of us. It's weird suddenly not knowing all the intimate details of his day, but instead only what he chooses to share. Right now when I drop him off, he gives me lots of hugs and kisses and will inquire whether or not I think that will "fill him up" until my return. He has even shouted across the preschool room, "I LOVE YOU!!!" as I leave. I know that all that demonstrative, enthusiastic love will soon diminish. I am trying to just soak it in and enjoy it while it lasts. I feel this whole other world opening up to him, for which I am so excited about his involvement. At the same time, I miss our special days together, just the two of us. His sudden, fierce hugs and kisses. His unbridled enthusiasm. This letting go in parenting is such a constant, at times (like at the end of pregnancy) it breaks my heart. At other times it feels me with pride and wonder.
This fall, most likely, both my children will be riding the bus to school. Which will be terribly convenient for me with a newborn. Ben and Ellie will be attending different elementary schools (Ben's is K-2nd grade, while Ellie's is 3rd-5th). I just keep thinking of the last time Ben and I walked Ellie home from school. I didn't realize that was going to be our last time walking home from school together. I keep wondering did I appreciate our time together enough? Was I grumpy that day? Did I holler and yell? It seems like the last time should be more memorable. Update on Ellie: We have started lowering her dose of steroids, once again. Ellie's face has become quite large due to the increased steroid usage. And once again, she has started becoming more sleepy and more leany or "tippigable" as she likes to say. (Although strangely this time her leaning is to the right instead of the left. Go figure.) Her physical therapist commented that while she is more tired and less straight, she has fortunately, not lost her strength. It does seem somewhat like a step back however in her recovery.
What a great post! I appreciate the reminder to appreciate our moments with our kids. And I love hearing about Ben's Ben-ness. :-)
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