A Nocturnal Party Animal

Almost every evening, unless she is ill, Zibbi suddenly gets a super huge burst of energy as soon as the

lights are out.  She will then check outside to see how dark it is.  Get another drink of water.  Practice some yoga moves, do some burpees and other exercises.  Fall off of the bed.  Walk around the room.  Scratch her many itches.  Suddenly urgently, need to have a lengthy discussion about a random topic.

Recently, I decided to try out a Loving Kindness Meditation on her to see if it would help her calm more quickly.  In the first step, you close your eyes and send "loving-kindness to yourself".  Zibbi immediately said she was going to send loving-kindness to her "bigger" self.  It struck me what a fantastic idea this was, as a 4-year-old, she is so very in love with herself right now.  At four, she's able to be courageous in ways she may not in the future.  And I know some time in the future, she will have challenging moments when she will not feel so freely loving of herself.  What a beautiful package to send to her future self, some love and some kindness.  I hope that her future self feels that "thrown" loving kindness when she needs it most.

Reenacting When Harry Met Sally...

There is a scene in When Harry Met Sally where Sally makes it well known that she is upset with Harry by being extra pleasant to everyone around her, while she blatantly ignores Harry.  I often feel this way with Lotta lately.  For example, she made me a Valentine's card that said, "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I like you".  Then, she made a Valentine's card for Thom proclaiming her love for him.  Today, she was trying to explain something to me and immediately started shouted to indicate how unintelligent she finds me.  Then Thom asked a question and she immediately reverted to, "Yes, Daddy?"

The thought came to me the other night that Lotta NEEDS more hugs.  She is making it challenging for me to issue the more hugs that she needs.  Or maybe I need them.  I just didn't think the being angry getting off the bus at merely seeing my face would begin at SEVEN.  I thought I had a few more years of love.

Fortunately, the more Lotta becomes hateful, the more Zibbi becomes loving.  The other morning she told me, "I just LOVE you SO much."  She's decided she loves me so much that she wants to marry me (the rule is, if you kiss on the lips, you are married...)

Lotta's Love Life

A few months ago, the mother of one of Lotta's classmates contacted me to ask if I knew that Lotta had agreed to marry her son, Walter.  In shock, I told her I was unaware that a proposal had been accepted. A few days later, a fellow student approached Thom, to let him know how Lotta and Walter loved eachother.  So it seemed official.  When I questioned Lotta, she shrugged and explained that it would be a LONG time before they were grown and able to marry.

Maybe a month later, Lotta told me she had a different boyfriend in her class.  And I asked what happened to Walter.  She again shrugged, as if saying, why couldn't she have both options in her life.  A boyfriend NOW and an entirely different husband later.  Seemed reasonable to me.

As we were talking about all that has to happen in order for a baby to be born, Lotta decided she would prefer to adopt.  AND she wants to marry Naja, her best friend.  I am SO confused.

What's your size?

Once we finish reading and turn out the light for bedtime, Zibbi loves to either make strange noises with her mouth OR chat about whatever pops into her mind.  Last night, she suddenly said, "Even though I'm small outside, I'm BIG inside."  She said, she'd read that in a Madeline book.  I thought, that perfectly describes both the story book character AND Zibbi. 

At dinner, we like to do Questions for Kids.  One question last night was what 5 celebrities would we want to have dinner with? Zibbi decided she wanted to have female superheroes.  She was crestfallen when she discovered they were not actually "real" people.  We decided they would still be a fine choice.  We thought of Wonder Woman, SuperGirl, Bat Girl, Cat Woman.  No one could think of a fifth female superhero.  Zibbi suddenly decided that she didn't care what the rules were, she really wanted to have ME as her dinner guest.  She raced over to my chair, jumped in my lap and proclaimed, "Because, I just love you so much."  I just wanted to document that she said that, just in case she's not feeling so loving in the future towards me.

The Dirt on Ben

At last month's Moth, the topic was Dirt.  Here's the story I told, which I didn't feel went as well as I'd hope (I froze on stage), but I thought I'd share the story here.  Ben had asked me to tell a story about him (Ellie always seems to make it into my stories..)

When my son could barely walk, I discovered him pretending to throw up in a stack of pink bins in the hospital.  He’d witnessed his sister using those containers for just that purpose so many times.  Even at that young age, he had had plenty of experience with the dirty, messy side of the hospital.   His older sister had a brain tumor, so he was in and out of the hospital all the time.  And at that point, he just thought that’s what you did when you saw one of those buckets.  It was his normal.  

From the very start, Ben experienced hospital life.   For example, there was the time I was nursing newborn Ben in Ellie’s hospital room.  Suddenly, her anti seizure medication relaxed Ellie so much that she stopped breathing.  The room filled with responding medical personnel.  When they had Ellie stabilized, one of them surprised, said “oh, you are nursing!”

Honestly, it was easy to ignore Ben, he was so healthy and vibrant, compared to all Ellie’s medical issues.  I mean how do you even compete physically with a brain tumor?  When Ben was 4, or maybe 5, he gave it a really good try when he had 8 cavities, plus strep throat PLUS Lyme’s disease.  THEN, he had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic he was on which left him polka dotted.  I was fairly certain I would win “worst mom of the year” medal that year.  Even right now they are competing as Ben asked me to tell a story about him, because somehow Ellie always sneaks her way into every Moth story I tell.  

During another hospital stay, Ellie had had a major surgery.  Ellie had been stuck in bed for a week, maybe longer recovering.  These were particularly challenging stays with a toddler in tow, as there were so many many bright, exciting buttons, just begging to be pushed.  Even though Ben was super young, just walking himself, he raced over to give his sister a huge excited hug, when he saw her trying to walk again, two physical therapists assisting her.  It was shocking that someone so young could understand how momentous it was that she was walking again (or trying to).  

And the last year of Ellie’s life, we were in and out of the PICU so many times, that Ben would pick her next room as we were departing, he was already anticipating the next stay, because he knew we would be back.  

The last few months, things became increasingly smelly and dirty, we were dealing with any and all bodily fluids you could imagine.  I knew if Ben saw or smelled anything that was happening in Ellie’s room, he would immediately start throwing up himself.  I tried my best to protect him from seeing and experiencing what was happening in there, for his sake, as well as mine (otherwise, I’d have TWO messes to clean up).  

Ben was 5 when his sister passed away.  At the end, he was this energetic little boy who would run into Ellie’s room and just scare the daylights out of her.  She would scream upon his arrival, not expecting his visit.  At the time

I thought of him as all caps BEN! With an exclamation point.  I desperately wanted him to remember how much Ellie loved him and not just her screaming for him to leave her room.  I wanted Ben to remember how Ellie always called him her best friend and how lucky she was to get to have a brother, whom she lived with, as her best friend.  How convenient is that? And I realized after Ellie died that the reason Ben’s favorite letter was “E” was because it started his sister’s name.  

Ben is now in Middle School, an age Ellie never reached.  Whenever there is a concert at school, it is always a bit shocking seeing all of Ben's classmates now, older than they are in my head.  And every time I walk in and feel weepy, and just cross my fingers they will play a sad piece that I can cry along to. A song so sad, I could look around me in astonishment to anyone NOT crying because, what are you a robot?  Every time, as I walk in to find a seat, Ben will spot me and start waving his hand wildly.  Instead of pretending he does not have parents, like his classmates, he just full on owns it.  It always makes my heart soar with love for his bravery and willingness to be who he is regardless of who he is surrounded by.  I once asked him how having Ellie as a sister impacted him, he said he felt like it made him kinder.  I have to agree, he has excelled in the kindness department.

Last week,  I volunteered for the Middle School.  One of the teachers stormed out, upset by a student.  Because apparently some of those middle schoolers can be real a-holes (I’m quoting here).  I offered her water, because that is recommended as helpful in any situation.  We started chatting and she asked who I was, and as soon as I said, "Ben Kennedy's mom", her whole face lit up.  It was as if just hearing his name, made her  feel as equally happy as she'd felt unhappy just moments before.  Which, of course, made me tear up.  That guy, somehow, has found a way to shine and jed (joy spread as Ellie would say) even in Middle School.  Somehow he was able to take all the messy, dirty, chaotic, neglectful parts of

Beauty Everywhere!

Zibbi became extremely upset when she discovered she would have to wear snowpants tomorrow to school.  She was concerned that everyone would "look at her".  I finally talked her down when I explained EVERYONE would be wearing snowpants (peer pressure already?!?!)  She then told me that her friend Eleanor had been wearing snow pants for awhile and that seemed really brave. 

We discussed how Ellie also did not enjoy wearing a winter coat.  How one year, on a bitterly cold day, I gave up and drove to the library with Ellie sans coat.  As we walked from the parking lot to the library door, a stranger yelled from her vehicle how it was too cold for Ellie not to have a coat.  Shortly after that, the "staff" came to live in our house and help out with the tasks Ellie hated.  There was "Camilla" who did coats.  Margarette did manicures.  When Ellie would explain all this to the hospital staff, they would look perplexed, until I explained that the entire staff looked surprisingly like Thom & myself, although they had different accents.  As I repeatedly explain, we aren't that branch of the Kennedys. 

Then Zibbi decided she was going to put all of the clothes we talked about on and go play in the back yard.  As she was slipping on her boots, she said, "Damn sock keeps slipping."  Makes me miss her "bammit" stage, seems so quaint, when she didn't realize that word started with a "d".  She went outside specifically to create snow angels.  At one point, she wanted me to join her outside, but I hadn't had the chance to get dressed yet, so I declined.  To convince me, Zibbi explained, "There's beauty everywhere".  And I thought wow, so true.  And I'm STILL not coming out there. 

Excitement Levels Dropping

Last year at a holiday party, we were given a holiday bingo set.  Zibbi LOVES playing this game.  I am

all set for retirement, with all this practice.  Recently, we ran across another BINGO set at St. Vinny's

with letters, which seemed perfect for helping to learn the alphabet.  After playing it once, we ran into a bit of trouble the second game as the markers kept falling off of the card.  Finally, I suggested we put the cards away for now and try again another time.  Zibbi quickly agreed.  Then she said with a sad sigh, "I'm just going to sit here and not feel excited about anything." 

A few weeks ago, at dinner time, Zibbi stood up from the table and said, "I'm shaking my butt for good luck," which, of course, elicited a great deal of laughter.  So today, I as I cleaned the kitchen, I tried the same routine.  Zibbi, straight faced, told me it wasn't very funny.  I inquired if the humor was gone because it is no longer surprising.  She said no, it was because the joke didn't work with pant

pockets.