Lions and Tigers and Eeyores Oh My!

[caption id="attachment_4550" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This is the "I NEED that camera right now" look. Could possibly lead to the Lion/Tiger attack mode, but not usually."][/caption]

I know it has been awhile.  Lotta has been ailing for almost the last 2 weeks.  This was the worst cold/flu bug she has had.  Usually she just keeps running around, this time, she actually lethargically SAT through a movie.  Not to fret, she is finally on the up and up!  I think she is as ready to get out of the house as I am!

One of Lotta's most recent tricks, she stops in the middle of doing something to say, "More" in baby signs.  Yes, I do realize she could just continue doing what she was doing, but she has to show off her skills somehow doesn't she?  Always makes me smile.

Sometimes when Lotta is angry, she jumps at me with

[caption id="attachment_4552" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Sitting on the shoe step, trying to wear one of Bens shoes and one of mine."][/caption]

her mouth open, like the little Lion (Leo)/Tiger (Chinese year of the Tiger) she is.  Also, makes me smile, even though I know I shouldn't.

Lotta has inherited other of Ellie's habits. (I mean besides the closing of opened cabinets and drawers).  She likes to sit on the "shoe step" to put on her shoes, just like Ellie.  She likes to pull her socks off an run around with naked feet, even when those naked feet are freezing cold.  She likes to pick up Ben's legos for him.

Surprise of all surprises, Lotta now ADORES the bath.  I presented it to her as a big puddle and suddenly the whole thing shifted for her.  She now asks many times a day to take a bath, swinging her little leg over the side in an attempt to hurl herself in.

On Valentine's Day, we did our traditional making of a Valentine's page.  This year we challenged ourselves to come up with a tribute

[caption id="attachment_4549" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Visiting Thom at work."][/caption]

to each person in 6 words. The one that Thom came up with for Ellie to me was samazing (so amazing)--"Always saw the best in me."  We both teared up over that one.  Ben told me the day was a "Yes" day, a day filled with wonderful yeses (there was a class party).

Last week Ben came off the bus feeling quite gloomy.  It seems he had overheard some of his classmates discussing play dates they were having (or planning to have).  He felt quite left out.  This was after he had been having trouble running on the playground (he too has been stuffed up and coughing).  When he tried to tell his classmates that he couldn't run, they ran away from him.  (I think Alanis would call that ironic, don't you?)  He had that feeling, as we all do at times, that EVERYONE but EVERYONE was having a party without him.  We talked about it and he still felt gloom (Eeyore-ish as Ellie would say).  We tried watching a movie and having a floor picnic, making our own party. He felt slightly better.

Apparently what he needed was a Daddy antidote for his gloom. When Thom arrived home from work, all the gloom fell away as he ran to embrace his "Very favorite person in the whole wide world." Maybe I was trying too hard?

 

Miss Me Miss Me Now You Gotta Kiss Me

Last Saturday I was wanting to go to a Tiara Coaching seminar in Chicago.  It sounded like such fun to be on the road (by myself!) for the day, stopping at the Oasis (one of those over the highway places that serve Green Tea Lattes at the Starbucks), talking on the phone to people I love (with a headpiece of course) and of course I always feel inspired, refreshed, rejuvenated after a Tiara event.  I was agonizing over the decision, this would be the longest I have been away from Lotta.  Would she miss me too too much?  On Friday, as I was still trying to make my final decision, Thom told Ben about the possibility of me going to Chicago to see how he would feel about that.  Ben became very excited about the prospect of taking care of Lotta all day.  He only wondered if I could possibly be gone for MORE than one day.  So much for my vision of the kids sitting at home crying all day, missing me terribly.

As we were leaving a play date this week, I told Lotta to tell her little friend "good bye".  She ran up to the little girl and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  Made me realize, oh yeah, that IS how we say "good bye" in our family.  It used to be hugs, now its kisses.  Oh sweet Lotta kisses, can't get enough of those!!

Running with a Theme

[caption id="attachment_4531" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Passionate about P."][/caption]

Oh how I love a good theme.  It just brings everything together so nicely.  During winter break, to relieve the boredom we were feeling, Ben decided to create a "P" party--a party celebrating things starting with the letter "P".  I wore a pink and purple polka dotted skirt and piggy tails.  I wore a tiara (I do so at every opportunity) so I was a princess.  If you give me a theme, I get a little out of control, can you tell?  Of course the party had to be potluck, we ate pizza, pineapple side dish, pasta, peas (sugar snap), peanut butter cups and drank purple punch.

Last weekend, we had an everybody where Elmo theme night.  Then the next day we all wore sweatshirts.  Because Ben and I are more enthusiastically for theme days and nights than Thom is against them, we always win out.  Plus it solves the problem of what to wear.

When we discovered it was Ben's turn for Show-n-Tell again this week, I had a moment of panic.  Then we began to brainstorm.

[caption id="attachment_4532" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Lotta often has an Elmo theme going on. She says his name like this Elbow. So when I ask where her elbow is, she looks at her shirt."][/caption]

He thought perhaps he could bring "Bubby" his stuffed Hippo I bought him when he was a baby.  He is not now nor has he ever been terribly attached to Bubby.  He has never slept with Bubby or taken Bubby on any adventures.  Hmm.   Not sure how interesting that would be.  Suddenly it hit me that he could talk about his older sister (see the them here? His last Show-n-Tell was about Lotta.  He could have a sisters theme.)  He LOVED the idea.

When I asked Ben what he would want to tell the class about Ellie, he immediately responded he would tell them how Ellie always said he was her best friend.  Immediately following Ellie's death, Ben talked a lot about how Ellie didn't like him in his room or how she often yelled when he was loud or how she did not want him to touch her books.  I absolutely knew at the time that Ben's memories would be formed by what we focused on.  We began discussing how every single time Ellie was asked at school who her best friend was, she responded that Ben was and how convenient it was to have her best friend right at home.

[caption id="attachment_4528" align="alignright" width="300" caption="How I was worried Ben would remember Ellie."][/caption]

Thus, when Ben responded so earnestly with this as his first response, I knew we had succeeded in letting him know how much Ellie loves him, even when, at the end of her life, she might have had a hard time with his exuberant entrances into her room.  Mission accomplished.

I don't think you will be at all surprised that the more we talked about Show-n-Tell, the bigger it got.  I suggested we bring in the photo collage Uncle Kippy put together for the After Party.  Ben looked at it and noticed how there were NO pictures of him with Ellie in any of the photos.  We went to work, searching for photos of the 2 of them, which we set up as a short (12 photos) slide show.  We brought in favorite items of Ellie's--a book, a crayon shape made by Hospice Care utilizing crayons Ellie had peeled, and a giraffe from the girection (giraffe collection) Ellie had given to Ben when Ben asked if he could have it (the entire collection, not just one giraffe).  Then we watched Ellie's video of her trip to Sesame

[caption id="attachment_4530" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Instead how Ben is recalling Ellie, Best friends playing on the beach."][/caption]

Street.  Unfortunately, because Ben was so young, he does not recall any of that trip, so he just started making up answers to the questions his classmates asked.  I was forced at that point to jump in with more accurate information.  We ended up using the WHOLE 30 minute Show-n-Tell time, which was actually set aside for 3 students (oops).  We left with the class two of Ellie's all-time-favorite foods for later, "Can you guess what they are?" * (Ben kept pretending he was the teacher by asking the class questions like that, "Can anyone guess what this is?" or "Oh that is a good question").  He seemed to thrive on being in front of his class more than I had ever seen him before.  He got a little squirrel-y near the end of his talk, and I wondered if he was partly trying to tell his class and his teachers through his silliness that even though his sister died, he is still OK, he can still laugh and be silly even

[caption id="attachment_4527" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Playing on the bed together. Ellie has her hand on Ben."][/caption]

when talking about her.

*The answer is:  liney chips and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies--the peanut butter is Ben's favorite, the chocolate chip cookies Ellie's, so it seemed like the perfect combination for a presentation about Ben's experiences with Ellie.

Got chocolate?

[caption id="attachment_4523" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Chocolate? What chocolate?"][/caption]

Friday morning, I handed Lotta a pain au chocolate (think chocolate croissant here without the crescent shape and with hard chocolate bars rather than the more soft, pudding-y chocolate).  I was fully anticipating "helping" Lotta with her yummy treat once she had finished (what Esther refers to as bottom feeding, but food as delicious as this could not be considered anywhere near the bottom!)  I looked up from my (boring) granola to witness Lotta pulling out the chocolate and immediately consuming it.  I suppose it makes sense since the milk she consumes from me has probably tasted like chocolate milk for at least the last 6 months (have I mentioned the dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's recently?)

Surprises...

Some of the numerous things that have surprised me over this past year...

1.  Ben wants more.  I mean that's not that surprising is it?  Until you hear what he wants more of...It was Ben who mentioned on January 25th that he felt we had NOT done enough to honor Ellie during the 13 days.  Which is ironic because the whole time I was concerned that Ben would feel jealous if we made too too much of a fuss.  Guess I erred on the opposite end of that continuum.  We talked about what we could do the next day, Ellie's birthday, to honor her.  I explained how Ellie had this joke when anyone would say, "Have a nice day!"  She would respond by saying, "It's too late."  Pause Pause.  "I already am."  So when Ben boarded the bus on Ellie's birthday, Thom automatically said, "Have a nice day."  Ben yelled back, "It's too late!"

2.  Feeling Oscar-ish.  Grief often presents itself as grumpiness ("Oscar-ish" Ellie would have said, after the grumpiest of them all, Oscar the Grouch).  It's not necessarily the falling down on the bed sobbing kind of thing you would anticipate and see in movies, but rather a lashing out at whomever happens to be nearby.

 

Happy with her books.

3.  Quiet voices.  The soft spoken, whispery messages have been another surprise to me.  At times, I will think a thought and have the distinct feeling that this thought is one from Ellie (an elliought or a thellie?).  Again not dramatic like I would have predicted.  It doesn't occur as a big bolt of lightening, followed by the crash of thunder, but instead it is quiet, I have to stop to be able to hear.

Recently, I was pondering how now there are activities we do as a family that we would not be doing if Ellie were alive.  It feels wange.  Almost as if I traded Ellie in for this new found freedom, a trade I would never willingly agree to.  Suddenly the thought came that we were BOTH holding each other back--that Ellie was ready to go and that it was time for our family to do some of those other activities.

Around Christmas time, I was lying in bed with Lotta, missing Ellie.  When suddenly I had another Ellie thought, "But I waited till Lotta was born to leave."  That was one of the many great gifts from Ellie, to wait until we had a Lotta Joy in our lives for her to make her exit.  The gift from Ben has been how much he adores this little package.

4.  The continual loop of grief to laughter and back again....This week, Lotta and I traversed to Willy Street Co-op. I was feeling tired and grumpy and out of sorts.   For some reason, grocery stores seem to elicit this response from me.  The check out area is really close to where Ellie and I used to sit and watch the clouds on our dates while we had a snack.  I felt myself near to tears, imagined myself just having a good wail right there in the

[caption id="attachment_4517" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Another favorite--bubble wrap!"][/caption]

check-out lane, but instead held it together. Then as we walked to our car, I saw the firestation next door and suddenly thought of telling Lotta, "We used to have them (meaning the firefighters) over all the time." (Remember when we had to keep calling 911 to come pick Ellie up when we couldn't get her to wake up?)  This thought seemed so incredibly absurd to me, made me laugh in spite of myself.

5.  We're rich!!!  It can seem so utterly surprising at times that life keeps happening, regardless.  My blog is such an example of this--one blog about my grief, another blog about the silly things Ben and Lotta are up to, another about an Ellie memory.  It is all happening NOW, all the ups and downs and in betweens.  Even boredom, which doesn't even seem like it should be ALLOWED when you realize that death is a reality for all of us (is this not a big part of grief becoming friends with THIS inevitability?).  The laughter and joys are that much richer now because the contrast of the despair is there.  I feel myself at times, slowly, reaching for the otherside of this grief.  Thank you, Ellie.

 

 

Closing

[caption id="attachment_4391" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Lotta wears "bob" on her head."][/caption]

Ellie had a fixation with drawers and cabinets(just like my Aunt Linda.  I say this because when we sent out an engagement photo there was a cabinet door open in the background which we failed to notice.  If only Aunt Linda had taken the photo, the door definately would have been closed.)    Ellie absolutely positively could not stand if a drawer or cabinet was left open, not even for a minute.  If I went to retrieve a washcloth for her while she was in the bath tub, turning around to hand it to her, she would beg me to close the opened drawer.  Even if a dresser drawer was only opened slightly, Ellie would come into the bedroom, making sure every single drawer was closed completely.  She felt more comfortable, more peaceful if she had accomplished this task.

Mrs. Zwart utilized this talent brilliantly at school.  Ellie's job every day was to walk down the hall closing locker doors.  Mrs. Zwart said she actually had to put a limit to it, otherwise Ellie would've chosen to spend the entire school day closing lockers.  When Ellie was finished with the task, Mrs. Zwart would say, "What would we do without you?"  Ellie would respond  with a shrug, "I don't know," as if to say, "Man this place would be a MESS without me."

Lotta apparently has the same gene.  Even at 17 months old, she quickly closes all open drawers and cabinets.  If I have neglectfully left a drawer or cabinet door open, Lotta will wander around the house busily closing anything ajar. That is unless she is trying to release the contents in the cabinet or drawer.

One day, we heard Lotta scream from where the bathroom where she had been playing.  When Thom raced into the bathroom, the stepstool Lotta had been standing on had slipped and she was hanging off of an open drawer.  Maybe she learned the dangers that day of opened drawers and now works to keep them at bay.

 

Making Fun

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Ben is so great at making fun for himself.  This school year, unfortunately, he has experienced other kids making fun of him.  Ironically, it was Ellie whom I was always afraid that this would happen.  So afraid in fact that I didn't even want to put her in the school system.  Instead, she was embraced as a class mascot, taken care of and loved.   Ellie might not even have noticed if someone was making fun of her, it just wasn't in her realm of possibility for people to want to hurt one another.

One day this fall, Ben descended the bus stairs and told me how one of his bus mates made fun of him for crying.  During the walk home, we discussed what had happened.  Last year when Ellie was home bound, the bus changed its route so that Ben could be dropped off in front of our house.  I think the change happened very suddenly and I did not explain to Ben what was going to happen before it occurred.  Ben panicked when he did not get off the bus (he gets that from

[caption id="attachment_4396" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Took this photo to see if Lotta was happy being strapped to my back (usually she is strapped to the front)."][/caption]

my side of the family) and began to cry.  Apparently a second grader  (he is in first grade) told him he always cried and needed his mommy.  As Ben was describing this, we began brainstorming what he could say to such an accusation.  We discussed how teasing can only happen if you THINK you are being teased.  "So?  Everybody cries."  Was one  response we practiced.

Ben seemed to feel somewhat resolved after our conversation.  I, on the other hand, fretted about it for the rest of the day.  I felt upset that Ben had been teased about that time in our family, a time when it felt like we were particularly raw and vulnerable.  I couldn't let it go.  I imagined myself boarding that hot (it always seems to be HOT on the bus doesn't it?) throwing my hands up and yelling, "LISTEN UP KIDS!!  CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE BEN

[caption id="attachment_4491" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="The lost teeth and the glasses make me extra protective..."][/caption]

A BREAK??  WE'VE HAD A CHALLENGING YEAR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

The next day when I retrieved Ben from the bus, I walked up the steps and spoke with the bus driver.  I explained that Ben told me he had been made fun of.  The bus driver shook his head sadly and told me he would be on the look out.

As I came down the bus steps, Ben questioned why I had gotten on the bus, something I had never done before.  I answered that I had mentioned the girl making fun of him.  Ben said, "Oh that happened last year."  Oops.  "But, it's good because it will probably happen again," Ben supposed.

Which led to a conversation about, maybe, the most disturbing part of the teasing.  He said that his 2 favorite bus buddies laughed when the 2nd grader teased him.  I recalled the time with Ben when he laughed when I was crying about Ellie.  I told him I absolutely knew he was not laughing because he thought that was funny but instead because he felt uncomfortable.  I was sure that the girls' on the bus reaction was the same.  It truly felt as if Ben had closure on this event that he had obviously been thinking about since the previous year.

But wait, the saga continues, about a week ago, Ben was punched by another kid on the bus.  Now, I feel like I am equipped to handle discussions of what to say or what to do when teased, but when someone just punches you in the mouth for saying "Hi", I feel ill equipped to provide any kind of guidance.  Maybe this is normal little kid behavior.  Nevertheless, I feel strongly that if Ben is getting punched on the bus then I am not fully doing my job. Plus, he has a bunch of teeth missing and new glasses which just somehow makes him look more vulnerable.  I feel sort of like Ellie in these matters, shocked that anyone would even THINK to do such a thing, much less carry it out.  I keep imaging how shocking it must have been, even to Ben who loves predators.

[caption id="attachment_4498" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Do NOT mess with this lion!!"][/caption]

Once again, I had visions of stepping on that bus and giving those kids a piece of my mind.  Instead, I contacted his teacher who in turn contacted the principal.

When Ben stepped off the bus yesterday, he told me the principal boarded the bus and spoke with the boy who punched him to insure that the boy knew this behavior would not be tolerated.  Ben felt shocked to discover that the principal knew the name of every single kid on his bus.  When I suggested that he could tell the bus attendant if anything happens again, Ben thought it would probably be more effective just to go straight to the principal.  Now he's got a friend at the top who can get things done (reminds me of when I learned who to ask for what at the hospital).

Throughout this whole incident, it has felt like the adults in Ben's life have risen up to provide him the support he needs to feel safe on the bus.  Yes, we all wish it hadn't happened in the first place, but how great for Ben to feel so heard and supported by the adults surrounding him.  All of these bus incidents reminded me of what a ferocious momma bear I can become if I feel my bear cubs are being threatened.  It doesn't happen often, but wow is it ever powerful when it does.  GRRRR.