Dog starts with "P"?

Lotta dressed for puddles, mud, and melting snow.

At breakfast, Lotta was sitting at the kitchen table, saying aloud how much she wanted a kitty cat over and over.

Then at dinner, we were playing a game where you try to come up with the most outrageously positive word for each letter of the alphabet.  Lotta of course wanted to join in. So she would say kitty cat for almost every letter.  After a bit, she switched to saying "puppy" for each letter.  So when we arrived at "p" I told Lotta, "Ok now say your word, now its time!" She enthusiastically responded, "doggie!" 

Birthday drama

Will Smith just turned 45. He explained to the new Tonight Show host, Jimmy Fallon, how he feels like he is going into the third quarter of his life. There is (apparently) no sport in which you suddenly give up and lie around because 3rd quarter is super important to the outcome. So Will has begun to challenge himself to do things like sky dive.

Unfortunately, instead of taking Mr. Smith's positive influence, I was a bit of a Debi Downer this year (ok, maybe a LOT).  Once again I had that feeling as if every birthday I am traveling further away from ellie. And I suddenly just wanted to stop it. 

Then, as I was contemplating Lotta's outfit for the day and how it would have to be birthday worthy, I was transported back to the moment, in front of that same closet, trying to pick out Ellie's last outfit. How I felt there could not possibly be anything in there that would be worthy of that kind of finality.  Which as you probably suspected made me a weepy hot mess.

As I was explaining all this to Thom, he suggested that perhaps with each birthday I could imagine myself actually driving CLOSER rather than FURTHER from ellie.  Hmmm a bit of reframing. He wasn't sure if it would make me feel better or worse but somehow it made me feel better (or bed-der as Ellie would say.) 

The fourth

When I was pregnant, IF I happenend to be alone, others around me would want to know if this were my first pregnancy. It seemed as if these eager questioners wanted to dole out parenting advice. Imagine the disappointment when I responded this was in fact my fourth child.

I discovered during this time that if I left ellie out of my count then I would feel badly having excluded my first born. Or I could choose to not talk about ellie allowing my listener not to feel bad. Ultimately I decided to talk about ellie because I had to live with myself for the rest of the day. I know selfish right? And it felt somehow disloyal if I didn't mention her.

So a few months back, Ben was asked how many

siblings he had. He mentioned Lotta and Zibbi. For the first time, he did not include Ellie. I completely get it on the one hand. How it is just easier NOT to have to explain. And it felt somehow like a turning point. Made me realize how very soon Ben will have lived more of his life without Ellie than with her.

Future Princess

Lotta in a twirly dress from Agogo.

Every morning Lotta wakes up and immediately proclaims, "I'm bigger!!"  Must be amazing to feel yourself getting bigger and better every morning.

Lotta has decided she does not like boys.  When we hosted playgroup every thing our resident male would do would cause Lotta to storm out of the room.  She would tell me, " That man just jumped" or "That guy is TOO LOUD!"  I thought this wasn't supposed to start for a few more years.  She is precocious that one.

Lotta with make-up or paint in a twirly dress.

Then at dinner this week we were discussing 4K and how there would be so many fun children with whom to play. If you didn't know, Lotta is highly charismatic.  Last week we went to an indoor playground.  At first, Lotta played with Ben.  Suddenly, I turned around and Lotta was sitting in a clubhouse with a bunch of children.  Two or three of the girls adopted Lotta and escorted her wherever she wanted to go.  It reminded me of when someone suggested a future career path for Lotta (I cannot recall which one) and Lotta replied she is going to be a princess when she grows up.  She was practicing for her future reign at the indoor playground.

But I digress, back to that dinner conversation about 4K and boys...Lotta reminded me that she does NOT like boys. I said she could play with the girls as long as she was kind to the boys. She responded that she would wear her pretty swirly dresses to school, the boys would fall in love with her and beg her to marry them.

What a quandary that would be with her not even wanting to play with them.  I hope she never loses that confidence!