Lost

On our trip to Chicago during the 13 days of Ellie.

Things changed dramatically for me after the 13 days of Ellie.  I have discovered that including Ellie means that I feel better.  It was the excluding her that felt so bad, pretending she never happened that felt off.  Finally, I feel able to focus on her presence, figuring out how to continue our relationship now that she is no longer in her physical costume.  I feel that time has been my friend, the wound does not feel as jagged and raw.  I could not have arrived at this point without having been on the journey.  A disorienting journey I had to take, getting adjusted to her physical absence.  I now feel as if our relationship is bigger than a mother/daughter relationship, our connection stronger than that.  I often feel her presence and know that she will assist me.

Lotta and I were at the mall recently for a play date.  As we were exiting the mall, I came across some tights (I have been on a mission to find wamr tights as of late, I mean I live in Wisconsin, what better place

Lotta, an excellent hider.

to utilize thick tights?)  I stopped to peruse, Lotta standing right next to me, rearranging socks.  I turned and she was gone.  Gone gone gone.  I looked around, shouting her name.  All the racks were at my eye level, so there was no chance of seeing a tiny girl walking around.  I began to panic, once again, wondering what happens if a barely verbal child is lost.  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, asking for Ellie to help me out.  I found myself traveling over to a rack, when I looked under the rack, I saw 2 pairs of little legs hiding, silently amongst long pants.  It didn't even feel as if I had made a conscious thought, it felt like I was led.  Thank you, Ellie!

Recently, I was having a phone conversation with my brother.  We were talking about changes and loss, when he seemed to get uncomfortable.  He told me that he couldn't even compare any other loss with the loss I had experienced.  It took me a minute to figure out what the heck baby fire he was talking about.  Oh yeah, he's talking about Ellie.  Because I no longer consider Ellie "lost", she is a part of our lives.  I no longer feel continually lost as I once did, I feel ready to begin on the next leg of my journey...