"It just gets better from here"

[caption id="attachment_1936" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ellie in her spring class concert, something we never ever imagined possible..."][/caption]

The title of this blog is a quote from an article in Good Housekeeping (April, 2009; volume 248, no 4). about Michael J. Fox.  After describing the challenges he has in getting out of bed, urinate, get dressed, things you or I might take for granted, he finally arises from his

[caption id="attachment_1935" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Finally a picture of the infamous Ms. Zwart (her real name)"][/caption]

bedroom and is greeted by a mirror in the hallway.  In the mirror he sees his face smiling and he has to wonder, "Why am I smiling?"  But then he thinks, "It just gets better from here." 

Well, as I sit here in the hosiptal, awaiting my 9-year-old daughter's sedation and MRI, I know that

[caption id="attachment_1939" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ellie joins her class in the clapping part of the song."][/caption]

"It just gets better from here."  For the past week and half, Ellie has not been feeling well.  She has felt nauseated, been throwing up and had much less energy.  She has been taking naps, some of them long some of them short throughout the day.  Looking at her face, with that not so well feeling on it has made me feel utterly sad.  Anyway, I know that no matter what, it all gets better from here. 

You might feel sad, angry, frustrated, despair in hearing that we are, once again, in the hospital, but I can also tell you that there have been moments of pure peace as my family sits in the hospital (I almost called it a "hotel",  I prefer to think of it as such) all together with not much else to do besides be with one another.  Sort of pairs it down.  I mean every experience is filled with a variety of emotions, being in the hospital is no different, although the intensity of those emotions may feel amped up.  Of course I would rather be out enjoying this fantastic weather, but I will think of this as an investment, that it will be getting better...

A Love Fest

[caption id="attachment_1077" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ellie on her first birthday..."][/caption]

A friend in Chicago was telling me how she went to an event for Autism at Soldier field.  Her nephew, who is autistic, started doing his "thing" and she suddenly felt the expansive feeling of freedom in knowing that in that particular setting, his behavior was not at all out of place.  I am fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood and have my daughter attend a school where we are allowed that freedom quite often. 

On memorial day, Ellie and I took a walk to Willy Street Co-op,

[caption id="attachment_1079" align="alignright" width="300" caption="How many fingers can I get in this mouth?"][/caption]

one of our favorite neighborhood haunts.  We were on a "date", a special time for just the two of us to connect.  As we walked through the grocery store, Ellie sang loudly to me, "I LOVE YOU!!"  To which she wanted me to sing back the same, it is our little game, typically, however, it is played in the privacy of our  home.  Several people commented how adorable it was that Ellie was singing this wonderful song to me.  To which I responded, "I know, can you

[caption id="attachment_1078" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I love the hairdo in this one and the somewhat uncertain look..."][/caption]

imagine being serenaded through the grocery store?  How lucky

am I?"  Because really how many mothers are that fortunate to have their 9-year-olds singing them love songs all the day long regardless of time or place?  And how lucky are we to live in a neighborhood and frequent a grocery store where the patrons not only get Ellie's love song, but they appreciate it? 

As we were walking home on Williamson Street, a young man suddenly yelled excitedly, "Hi Ellie!"  I looked around and saw a boy sitting on his front porch.  I asked Ellie who he was and he

[caption id="attachment_1080" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Taking the party dress for a test drive..."][/caption]

responded by saying, "I am Justin, I am in Ellie's class".  Ellie tit tatted (talk + chit chatted) with him for a few minutes, demonstrating her new walk (called the "hip walk") and throwing him some snuggles before doing a double wave good-bye.  Once again, I was

completely blown away at how patiently and intently he listened to Ellie's entire demonstration.  We have run into so many shining stars in our neighborhood, people who do not merely tolerate Ellie but enjoy her stories, her words, her snuggles.  We feel the freedom of not only understanding and acceptance, but  love so often here.

The cafeteria lady

[caption id="attachment_1063" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="The only photo I could find in my computer is of Debbie Martin's arm, with her daughter sitting in front of her."][/caption]

Earlier this week, we had an appointment at the hospital.  We have tried to make going to the hospital, particularly if there is a poke involved, as enjoyable as possible.  Maybe make it about going for a muffin rather than about the things we don't enjoy.  So after conversing with the doctors, Ben, Ellie & I headed to the cafeteria.  There is a woman who works in the cafeteria who totally reminds me of my great friend Debbie Martin. 

Well, when Ellie was in the hospital last year, I had a

[caption id="attachment_1065" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Seriously, that is one cute baby..."][/caption]

moment, where I started telling the Debbie Martin look-alike my entire life story.  Embarrassing.  It seemed like she did not know what to make of my unveiling, "Yeah, that's great, I gotta go fill the straws...."  "Boy, these cups are really low..."  After I got home for the day, I was feeling rather foolish and I e-mailed Debbie Martin to tell her how silly I'd been.  Well, Debbie replied that everyone should be so lucky as to have a cafeteria lady to confide in every once in a while.  Made me feel a bit less red-in-the-face. 

Well this week, we saw our Debbie Martin look-alike cafeteria lady. 

[caption id="attachment_1066" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Megan looks a bit suspicious in that photo and that may be a Debbie Martin hand in the background..."][/caption]

When I saw her, all of my good feelings about Debbie arose and I  caught myself  about to start waving excitedly.  Then, I thought, get a grip, she is not going to be that excited.  When we bought our muffins and came to sit down, the cafeteria lady saw us and she became excited, and started waving like mad.  I thought perhaps there was someone behind us that she knew.  So I sort of casually looked around.  But, no, she was actually as excited to see us as we were to see her.  I mean she totally could have played it safe and just had a nice, calm wave, but no, she risked making a fool of herself by being overly enthusiastic.  That is totally the kind of person that I want to be, to be brave enough to show that I care about other people even in the face of losing my "cool".  (This is where some of you might say, "What cool? Don't worry you don't have any cool to lose, so go ahead and get excited." )

And the award goes to...

[caption id="attachment_1016" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Kippy getting ready to PAR-TAY the Elmo way..."][/caption]

When my brother Kip was in college, he belonged to a fraternity.  (I know, totally blew my mind about what a fraternity man looked like because Kip is the antithesis of the beer guzzling, skirt chasing man I stereotyped.  My brother-in-law, Dan belonged to the same fraternity and again the opposite of how fraternity boys are portrayed in movies.)  Well at the end of the first year in the fraternity (which Kip later became the president of, that overachiever) he was awarded "The Most Improved" Fraternity member.  I recall thinking, "Huh".  It seemed like such a backhanded complement.  Like when someone says to you, "Wow!  You look so much better than the last time I saw you!"  Or "There is no way you are 40!  I can't believe it, you don't look FORTY!" This may sound like a complement, but if it is said repeatedly incredulously enough, it starts to feel like, 40 is not THAT old for crying out loud. The first meeting of my coaching group, I arrived a total wreck.  I had just discovered that my youngest brother was in the Intensive Care Unit and details were sketchy at best (even the "d" word was being thrown around a bit, no not the 4 letter one, the 5 letter one).  When I shared with my sister afterwards what a slobbering, blubbering fool I was that day and how you just can't make a second impression, she suggested that perhaps I could utilize my dramatic start by proclaiming at the end, "This coaching group completely cured me, I mean look how far I've come!!"

[caption id="attachment_1032" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Duck towels are so adorable."][/caption]

The reason I was thinking about all of this was because I feel like Ellie should receive "The Most Improved" award from school.  Contrast the first day of school, when Ellie cried rather loudly outside her classroom to a few weeks ago when she went on a field trip to the zoo with her class.  Not only did she go on a field trip, she rode on the city bus (yes, Madison has city buses) beside one of her classmates.  She was nervous about going on a fieldtrip because she loves knowing the routine at school.  When she started to become upset prior to school, she was able to think her way back up to goofiness. 

[caption id="attachment_1035" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Anyone looks more photogenic w/ a baby in a ducktowel next to them. Try it at your next photo opportunity."][/caption]

I was not sure if we were going to make it through the school year at the begining, and without the stellar school community we have I am not so sure she would have. 

One day I was at school waiting for Ellie with Ben.  Two grade school girls ran inside past us and into the principals office, stating how they were going to go get the principal.  I thought, "WOW!  I have needed that kind of spunk a few times at the hospital to get things done!"  What amazed me was that the principal came outside and had a discussion with the 4 girls who were involved in conflict.  She did not scold them for coming to her, she took action and jumped right in to see how she could be of assistance.  I was astounded.  I mean in my day, the principal was there when you were in TROUBLE with a capital "T" and in that sing songy kinda voice.   

The love and care and respect and kindness that has been shown Ellie throughout the school year has been above and beyond what I ever could have imagined.  From Ms. Zahrt and Ms. Lowery and Ms. Renault to the superpowers of Ms. Zwart.  Ms.  Renault (one of the student teachers) created a fabulous book about emotions with Ellie and her class.  A page in the book that makes me tear up every time says this, "...I want everyone around me to feel happy and spill goof every day.  I make people smile everyday beccause it is my job and why I am a fabulous person!" 

I'll let you know if Ellie wins the award, and if she does, I will not view it as a backhand complement, because I know how far she has traveled this year.