Algebra in real life

[caption id="attachment_398" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What do you do if your child is scooped up by a bulldozer?"][/caption]

I was watching a documentary one night with my beloved (that's you, Thom) about these Buddhist Monks who attempt to reach enlightenment through physical trials.  For example, they walk over mountains for months or don't eat, drink, or sleep for 9 days.  Apparently not sleeping can kill you faster than not eating or drinking, just so you know.  Anyway, it was a fairly slow moving documentary and I found myself drifting off to sleep.  Thom found my falling asleep when the Buddhist Monk stayed awake for 9 days highly ironic and amusing.  I retorted that the Buddhist monk had not spent the day caring for 2 young children. I mean I used to stay up all night all the time in college, and only occasionally spill my extra large coffee in class by falling asleep at my desk.  Now if I can make it to 9:30pm, I feel like I deserve a medal.  Taking care of my kids is most definitely what I want to be doing right now but man-oh-man is it energy consuming!

[caption id="attachment_185" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Then there is fire you have to keep them away from."][/caption]

I mean really, television producers are going to all the trouble to come up with challenges for people on desert island reality shows, when they could actually consult a family manager (aka stay-at-home mom) on some reallife challenges.  What if they set up a challenge of everyone going to the grocery store at the busiest time of the day with 2 tired and hungry children and a budget.  And a big tantrum in Aisle 5.  And a spill in Aisle 3.  And keeping track of all that winter gear.  Good luck.  See who comes out alive in that situation.  Makes a deserted island look tame in comparison. 

[caption id="attachment_462" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben has a hard time imagining his parents having fun without HIM."][/caption]

Sometimes, I think of these daily challenges as "story problems" like we all learned about (and then ignored) from algebra classes.  Here are some for your enjoyment, and I am sure you have many from your own life that television producers would just be chomping at the bit to recreate.

It's 4:30, you are tired, the kids are tired.  It's time to make dinner!  Everyone is depending on you to come up with a nutritious and delicious meal for all to enjoy.  Suddenly you realize that you have avoided going to the grocery store (see above challenge for possible reasons) and have only frozen items and the oh so dreaded broccoli in your fridge.  What do you do? 

[caption id="attachment_89" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Driver in a small car"][/caption]

You have a gas efficient car that only fits 4 people comfortably.  You need to take 2 guests to the airport, along with your two young children.  You will be driving the car, which leaves only 3 spots empty.  How do you do it? 

You are invited to book club which starts at 7pm.  It will take you approximately 30 minutes to travel to book club.  Your children insist that you be around for their bedtime or bedtime mysteriously does not happen.  How do you manage to attend bookclub, pretending that you've actually read the book, and arrive home by 8:30 pm, bedtime? 

One of your children loves to walk to school, for the exercise, fresh air and exhilaration of winter in Wisconsin.  Your other child hates to walk to school in the cold.  You need to somehow transport both children to school, how do you accomplish this task while still arriving at school on time?

These story "problems" occur on a daily basis, adding flair and color to our lives.  When I think of them as story problems, I know that the solution is out there, I just have to get calm enough to find it.

Cynthia the Rock Star

[caption id="attachment_497" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Everyone wants to be her friend."][/caption]

It was 6:30 am, I was working out.  My hair looked funny.  I was feeling kinda funky.  My mouth tasted like Walmart.  The floor of Walmart.  I did not know why.  A woman who was just my height (doesn't happen often at 5'2" in Wisconsin where they grow them big) started cracking some jokes.  That was only the beginning.

Because we met at a 6:30am at the gym,  we got to know eachother well without even knowing eachother well.  We knew what the other person looked like FRESH out of bed.  I discovered that the quality of Cynthia's workout depended upon the quality of her morning hairstyle.  I discovered that she loves The Jackson 5. 

One day in November, Cynthia sent me an e-mail and this is what she said, "... you are one of the most wonderful moms i have ever met. if we have multiple lives i wanna come back as your kid."  That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. 

Cynthia has invited me to her daughter, Caitlyn's birthday party for

[caption id="attachment_498" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Cutie pie Caitlyn"][/caption]

the past 2 years.  The thing I noticed at the last party was how everyone who entered Cynthia's home was greeted as if they were the very best guest, the one that Cynthia was waiting for all this time.  Now that kind of enthusiasm just makes you feel so incredibly comfortable and at home when you arrive at a party. 

Another thing I like about Cynthia is how she notices what she likes about other people.  When we worked out at MBG, she was constantly telling me how fabulous our co-worker outers were.  To which I would inevitably tell the co-worker outers how fabulous Cynthia thought they were (you know my philosophy on this, if you have read my previous blogs, I don't believe in waiting until someone is dead to tell them how remarkable they are.) 

Cynthia will always laugh even at my really dumb jokes.  In a recent e-mail she told her friends that I was, "her little ray of sunshine".  That has been my lifelong goal, to be some body's little ray of sunshine and now all my dreams have come true.   

Cynthia is one of the most fabulous photographers I know.  She is able to take a person and make them into an art form.  It is astounding.  I don't know how she does it.  I can barely remember to bring my camera anywhere, much less take the photos (and I get into much trouble for this lapse by extended family members). 

[caption id="attachment_499" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Cynthia glamorizes me"][/caption]

I love the way Cynthia loves mydaughter.  Not everyone appreciates and understands who Ellie is.  Some people do not have much tolerance for her, fortunately, Ellie does not notice.  So when I see some one adoring my daughter, it is like eating chocolate in a hot bubble bath in Italy.  A delicious dinner at your favorite restaurant. A holiday.  A vacation.  The BEST.  When Cynthia sits next to Ellie, she simply glows with appreciation and love.  She says things like, "That is so sweet".  Recently when Ellie started freaking out about a chair being moved, Cynthia said, "I understand that." 

More than once in an e-mail to her friends Cynthia has told them that they would thank their lucky stars if they had the opportunity to meet Ellie.    If we are out and about together, Cynthia doesn't mind if Ellie hangs out and talks with her & Caitlyn.  One day while we were at the Children's Museum, Cynthia suddenly blurted out, "I love you" to Ellie.  To which Ellie instantly responded, "I love you too".  When Cynthia told me this story, she explained that she didn't even realize she was going to say that until it burst out of her mouth.  I completely admire someone who is not afraid to say, "I love you."  And it is particularly meaningful to Ellie who will totally get that. 

My life in Madison has been so much better since I became friends with Cynthia.  Her daughter calls me, deVi, just as my first nephew,

[caption id="attachment_500" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Run Caitlyn, run!"][/caption]

Josh, did.  When I go over to Cynthia's house, everyone greets me with a huge hug and smiles on their faces.  Totally makes me want to come back.  Often.

When Ellie was in the hospital last spring, Cynthia called me once to yell at me for not letting her do more for me and my family.  So I "allowed" her to make us dinner.  She made it out as if I were doing her a favor.  Amazing!

She is one of those people that everyone wants to be her best friend.  She collects friends because she is so friendly and helpful, and just plain super.  She is the one that would take you to the hospital should you need a ride.  Or bring you a meal (see above) or watch your kiddo.  Quite simply, having Cynthia around has made my life (and my children's lives) that much sunnier and funnier.  Thanks Cynthia for all that you do, we are so greatful for YOU!

Prosperity everywhere

[caption id="attachment_434" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A wise newborn Ellie"][/caption]

On November 1, a couple of years ago, my brother Kip called early in the morning.  He asked me if we were ok.  I wondered what the heck he was talking about.  He told me that it had been on the national news that there was rioting in Madison the night before.  I then understood why we hadn't had any trick-or-treaters the night before.  Kip lives in New York City where it is almost impossible to get away from the news broadcasts.  He is astounded that I can live my life without watching the news.  I don't feel like the news adds anything of value to my life.  It's not really the "news" anyway, it's the "bad news" really.  And as this story illustrates, when the news reported rioting in Madison, that was NOT at all what was happening at our home (although it may look that way at times.)

[caption id="attachment_429" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Super Sleeper Power that eventually vanished"][/caption]

Recently, I have heard a lot of talk, even without watching the news, about the economy.  And how poor it is.  And how it is going to get worse.  And worse.  And worse.  When I hear these things, I feel my stomach clench with fear, wondering what is in store for all of us.  But then, I tell myself to get a grip.  I recall a time when my mom returned to Malawi (a small country in Africa where she lives) and she said the famine there had become so bad that the stores actually did not have food on the shelves.  When I go to my local grocery store (yeah, Willy Street Co-op!), I rarely see shelves empty and if they are there is typically a sign informing me when the product will be restocked. 

[caption id="attachment_453" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="OMG whose hand is that? It is HUGE!"][/caption]

I have decided that it would be more beneficial for me to look for signs of prosperity, rather than for signs of our doom-filled economy.  I usually don't have to look very far.  Here is a short list of what feels prosperous to me...1.  Easy access to fresh running water.  2.  A warm house on a cold day.  3.  A warm car on a cold day.  4.  A warm meal on a cold day (are you sensing a theme here??)  5.  Giggles 6.  The number of items I have access to at the local library.  7.  Madison thrift stores, where I feel that anything but anything can be mine.  8.  Baby toes 9.  Family meals. 10.  Being able to live in the city of my choosing.  11.  Being able to elect the president.  12.  A cell phone to call those I love. 13.  Freshly laundered sheets on the bed.  14.  A hot shower.  15.  Yummy smelling soap.  16.  Clothes from the dollar rack  17.  Hugs  18.  An art project....I mean I could go on and on and on here. 

I  see the gas prices lower than they have been in five years.  Instead of rejoicing, I hear on the  news that his

[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie on the boppy"][/caption]

is a sign of how horrible the economy really is.  While just a few months ago everyone was complaining of how high gas prices were now I hear no one rejoicing over the lowered prices.  What up wid dhat?. 

Recently, Thom & I watched the movie The Great Debaters.  One thing that amazed me was how the great depression was portrayed in the movie.  All of the history lessons I have received painted a picture of life during the depression as the hardest of times.  I envisioned hugely long soup lines.  Dust blowing everywhere.  People just sitting around and moaning.  But in the movie here were these students, African American no less, who were thriving at their university.  In the extra features of the DVD, they interviewed students who had actually been alive during the time.  Amazing.  Not at all what I imagined the depression was like.  The percentage of people out of work was high, but it was not as high as I would have imagined.  The vast majority of the population was still working. 

[caption id="attachment_147" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Baby Ben on the boppy."][/caption]

When Ben & I sometimes get into an argument, Ellie often becomes upset herself.  I tell her that Ben & I are working through something, very soon we will peaceful again.  I know that Ben & I will find a way to work it out and come to an acceptable agreement.  Ellie is not.  She feels the intense emotions and she responds to that.  That is what I feel about our economy right now, that we are processing through something.  We are in the process of creating something different.  We just need time to work it out and figure out something even better than we had before.

Recently as we have been walking to school in the snow, Ellie has begun to talk about how much she hates the snow.  I ask her, "If you say how much you hate the snow the whole way to school how will you feel?"  She responds, "Bad".  I ask

[caption id="attachment_115" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Prosperity to Ben"][/caption]

her what thought might feel better.  She always comes up with a better feeling thought, like, "I will be outside for only a short time then I can be cozy again."  My point is that if we all focus on how horrible the economy is, then how will we feel?  BAD.  If we focus on the many many things that are going well in this country how we will feel.  Good.  I choose to feel good.  I know we will find solutions more easily if we are feeling good than if we are stuck rolling around in the bad.  Thus, I will continue to look for prosperity around me.  Because I know that as Einstein said a problem cannot be fixed at the level of the problem, we must somehow find a way to rise above it.   That is where our solutions live.

It's not brain surgery...oh wait... it IS.

[caption id="attachment_459" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Sunny Florida in January!"][/caption]

Last January, we decided to go to Amelia Island, Florida to celebrate Ellie's 8th birthday.  Every since I'd moved north, I'd had the thought that if I could just get somewhere sunny in January, I would be in better spirits for the rest of winter (which seems to last until May some years).  And, quite frankly, we are really good at being on vacation.

Upon our return, Ellie had an MRI.  Dr. Iskandar (the pediatric neurosurgeon) explained that the shunt that was routing excess cerebral spinal fluid from her brain to her stomach was beginning to fail. The tumor had grown enough to make the shunt less effective.  He felt like it was only a matter of time before it completely did not work and at that point we would have to do an emergency partial resection of the tumor (aka brain surgery).  Thom & I went home to discuss this rather large decision we had to make for which I felt solely under qualified.  For years I had struggled against the possibility of having to do another brain surgery, I didn't feel I could bear to witness Ellie going through something like that again.  But, when it was presented to us this time it didn't really seem like a decision needed to be made, it seemed like the next logical step on our journey.

[caption id="attachment_136" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A previous trip to the beach with cousin Katy."][/caption]

The surgery was scheduled for April 4.  Which meant I had two months to ponder.  Typically we have had emergency types of surgeries and procedures.  While it is certainly not desirable to be in an emergency situation, at least it eliminates the pre-surgery stress build up.  I was determined that this time I would not fall into the worry spiral that ends in the well of despair.

I remember in Chicago Ellie (Betsiat the time) and I were waiting to see her oncologist.  Sitting beside us was a couple who were waiting to speak with a cardiologist.  Their baby needed heart surgery and they were traveling around interviewing doctors.  I shared how Ellie had had emergency brain surgery.  We looked at each other in amazement.  I couldn't imagine having months and months to set up a major surgery, time enough to interview doctors.  On the other hand, they couldn't imagine having emergency surgery and not being able to prepare for it.

[caption id="attachment_458" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The opposite of Ben in Florida."][/caption]

There was a moment of clarity for me while I was driving the car (usually in the car or in the shower is when I have those moments.)  I suddenly thought, if I spend all day today worrying about Ellie having surgery in 2 months, then she might as well have had surgery today because I would have missed what actually happened today.  I knew that I didn't want to miss today.  I decided I would spend every day acting as if we were on vacation--seeing people and doing things that we love.  It helped keeping myself busy too, because then there wasn't as much contemplation time.  That's not to say that the upcoming brain surgery was not constantly in the back of my mind, it just didn't (always) consume me.  It was more like background music.  I also began to prepare for the upcoming event by organizing things and cleaning (I practically felt like I was nesting.)  It was challenging, however, to plan anything beyond the surgery because I had no idea what our lives would look like after surgery.

My mom arrived a few days before surgery to help us out.  She is one of those people that when she leaves after a visit, it actually feels as if a member of our immediate family has gone missing.  She just rolls into our lives so easily.   She also loves to do laundry and always takes over that task when she visits.

[caption id="attachment_158" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Dan, Sara, Zach, Noah, Mia & Hanna"][/caption]

The evening before surgery, I was running around preparing everything for the big day.  My heart was pounding as if I were running a race and it helped to keep moving.  Thom's younger brother, Dan skyppedus from China where he lives with his family.  We were all pretty tense and uptight and Dan was completely on fire, it was like watching a comedy routine, so funny was he.  After we hung up, Ellie said, "That was a great movie of Uncle Dan!"

The night before surgery, I stood in my closet picking out my outfit for the next day, wondering, "What does one wear to brain surgery?"  Nothing seemed quite suitable.  That night, no one slept well.  We were all on high alert that Ellie might wake up and go eat or drink something (before sedation you are not allowed to eat or drink.)  I think she had to be at the hospital at 6am or something equally early.  Fortunately, although she was awake, she never even asked for anything to eat or drink.  We all went to the hospital together, with a very sleepy Ben in tow.

[caption id="attachment_218" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie & Agogo"][/caption]

When we arrived, we discovered that there was an emergency surgery that Dr. Iskandar needed to perform before he could work on Ellie.  The great thing was that because Ellie was busy chatting up the nurses, talking with Agogo (my mom) and reading books, she didn't even notice or ask to eat or drink.

Then, one of our great friends, Esther, showed up with a brand new soft, floppy giraffe for Ellie (Ellie's favorite animal).  Esther's husband, Dave, a doctor at the hospital, also stopped by.  He was recently published and celebrity for being the best in his field.  When he showed up, we joked that we should make sure that everyone saw us with him so we could get VIP treatment.  He suggested it might be better if we NOT mention his name, that we might actually get better service that way...I wonder if he thought we might ruin his reputation with our antics...

[caption id="attachment_465" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Oh to be back on the beach in Florida..."][/caption]

When it was Ellie's turn for surgery, she began to cry (probably because she was having so much fun with all her new found and old friends) and saying "It's not fair".    At that point, everyone around, including nurses, just about started crying because who in the world thinks any of this is fair?  Fair has nothing to do with any of it.

There was a surgical waiting area at the hospital that we were directed to.  As we went, Ben innocently asked, "Where is Ellie?"  I felt like a crystal bowl that was knocked off a shelf.  Like a stick of butter that melted into a puddle on the floor.  All the anticipation and worry errupted from my body in the form of loud tears.   I started thinking about where Ellie was and what was being done to Ellie at that very moment.  Unless you are a surgeon, it seems best not to ponder these details.  Fortunately, my hysteria was short-lived and we proceeded to the waiting area.  Esther hung out with us for awhile and then went to pick her 2 adorable children up from school.  Then our friend, Cynthia showed up to hang out for awhile, while Thom & Ben went home for some playtime & bath time.  We waited and waited and waited.  Every hour the receptionist would come over and say, "She is still under the microscope."

The room became less and less populated as the day wore on.  Offices around us started locking up and going home.  The lights began to dim around us and still we sat.   The floor cleaner began to clean the floors.  And still we sat (or paced or chased Ben).

Finally at around 8:30 pm, my mom said she needed to go home because she physically felt ill.  Well, if she went home, then I would have to go home too because Ben would not be allowed in the recovery room.  At this point, we desperately needed the help of my older sister, Susan.  She is really good at telling people what to do.  So we got on the phone with her so she could come up with a plan and just tell us what to do so we didn't have to think for ourselves.  She relished this opportunity as she feels in most cases I do the exact opposite of what she wishes.  Our plan was for me to go home, drop Ben & my mom off and then return to the hospital to see Ellie after surgery.  Instead, once we got home, it seemed better for me to stay at home, get Ben to bed and return in the morning (see I still didn't follow Susan's plan even when I asked for it, how's that for gratitude??)  It felt highly unusual to not see Ellie after brain surgery.  Fortunately, I was so exhausted that not seeing her only added to the general weird, dizzy, spacey way that I was feeling.  I almost felt as if I were having to choose between my two children, a feeling I would have quite often while Ellie was in the hospital this time.

Thom said that when Dr. Iskandar came down after surgery, he was so excited that he had been able to remove 50-60% of the tumor.  Thom sort of nonchalantly said, "Great".  Because he had not

[caption id="attachment_466" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben cannot believe the size of the puddles in Florida!"][/caption]

expected anything less to have occurred and because he does not show unbridled enthusiasm like Ben & I do.  For him, that was pretty darn excited.  Then, Dr. Iskandar ran off to perform another emergency surgery (he is the only Pediatric neurosurgeon in the region and nationally renowned.)

Thom reported that when Ellie came to from surgery she was immediately back to herself, chatting everyone up, reading books.  He said it was amazing.  Then, just as suddenly, she stopped talking and started having a seizure, the worst he had ever witnessed.  This led to her being intubated and sedated for several days following the surgery, but that is another story.

Several months later, Ben would ask me, "Why you cry at hopital?"  He was still trying to figure the whole thing out.

Angels in disguise

[caption id="attachment_443" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Smiley"][/caption]

One day in our La Grange home, when Ellie was not yet walking down the stairs, I was getting ready to do laundry in our oh so frightening basement (yes we had one there, too).  I could not carry both the laundry basket and my child, so the 2-year-old was left upstairs.  As I came down the steep, unfinished wooden steps, I paused at the bottom where there was a concrete floor.  I suddenly had the thought that I should put a pillow or something soft at the bottom.  I laughed at myself for such foolishness.  Then I rounded the corner to put our laundry in the washing machine.  Suddenly, I heard a loud bump bump bump bump sound.  I raced towards the stairs to see what had happened.  There lay Ellie on the basement floor.  I snatched her up frantically and carried her upstairs thinking we would probably have to take her to the hospital.  I looked her over very carefully and somehow she was not injured at all.  Not a broken bone.  Not a scratch.  Not a bruise.  Nothing, she barely even cried.  I like to think that she floated down the stairs on angel wings. 

[caption id="attachment_439" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie at hospital in Chicago"][/caption]

Before Ellie had her shunt placed (2004), she was seeing Angels.  Not all the time, but sometimes when we were lying in bed, she would see them flying around the ceiling in our bedroom.  After the surgery, she did not see them.  You can make what you will out of these sightings.  I like to think that they are Ellie's friends and somehow always with her.  During some of our most difficult moments I have definately felt their presence.

[caption id="attachment_358" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Already spreading her joy"][/caption]

One day we were in the waiting area of the hospital.  There was a teen-aged girl in a wheelchair waiting with a man who appeared to be her father.  She could not walk or even move very easily.  Ben began to play with a toy near her.  I looked at this girl in awe, saddened at all the many things she was missing out on--running, jumping, skipping, spinning.  But then as I moved closer to where she was, I heard her.  She was sighing and saying to her father, "I love you."  I thought about how it is so easy to look at this girl and feel bad for all that she can NOT do.  But here is this girl sitting there completely blissed out in love.  There was not one part of her that was thinking about what she did NOT have.  She was completely in the moment and completely loving.  Her dad couldn't even take in all the love she was offering. 

[caption id="attachment_157" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The joy of being Ben"][/caption]

When I was in my doctorate program, one of the professors had twin girls who were born prematurely.  She shared with the class that one of the hardest things to get over as a parent is your own unmet expectations of what being a parent will be like.  At the time, it really struck me, because I couldn't fathom that this would be one of the hardest things to work through as a parent.  I am beginning to understand what she was saying.  When you decide to become a parent, you envision that child running, playing, laughing, jumping, reading, forming friendships.  When those things don't happen, how do you as a parent carry on and adjust your lens to something else?  How do you allow your child to be the being they chose to be, not the one you envisioned them being? 

I recall the first time someone used the term "special needs" to describe Ellie.  I was shocked, I sort of looked over my shoulder as if the speaker were describing someone else, because I certainly did not and do not think of Ellie in that way.  However, as Ellie has gotten older, it has gotten harder to "pass".  When a 4-year-old has a screaming tantrum, it is more expected than an 8-year-old.  As we have entered the school system, these "needs" have been more a part of our everday conversations. 

[caption id="attachment_435" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A halo for Ellie"][/caption]

I like the story by Neale Donald Walsch about this angel who wants to go down to earth to learn about forgiveness.  And the angel who volunteers to go down to earth with the angel requests that they recall when they are on earth who they really are.  Whenever I find myself entangled in a messy situation with another earthling (including my daughter), I remember Walsh's story and wonder if perhaps we decided to do this little earth dance before we put on these human costumes. 

Sometimes I feel sad for Ellie, maybe sad for what she might be missing.  Or sad that it seems like her struggle is too much.  Sometimes I see Ellie and Ben running side by side and it looks like the run is so much of a struggle for Ellie and so easy for Ben.  Sometimes Ellie just looks uncomfortable in her body and she seems to have so little interest in physical life.  But then I think of how Ellie is not sad for one moment for what she cannot do, just like the girl in the hospital.  She just wants to connect with those around her.  She is most interested in spreading her joy, giving hugs, telling stories, and encouraging others.  She spends so much of her time telling me how "joyfilled" she is or how happy she feels.  Who am I to say that she should have anything differently?  Who am I to say that she is not doing exactly what she came here to do?

Baby Gracie

I crept down to the scary, dank, basement to retrieve something from storage.  There lay Gracie, abandoned and forgotten.  At one point, Gracie had been the most important "friend" Ellie had, but her time had long since passed.  I bought Gracie when Ellie was going through chemotherapy so she would have a special friend to take with her each week during hospital time.  When Ellie would become upset, we would say, "Gracie feels so sad and scared, what should we tell her?"  And Ellie would  stop crying to comfort her baby, telling Gracie that everything would be OK.  

The first time we brought Gracie in and it worked so well, our nurse, Becky exclaimed how much she loved Gracie because Gracie made her job so much easier.  Becky was one of those phenomenal people that make the rest of us feel like slackers.  Not only has she adopted something like 4 children from the foster care system, but she works as a nurse, and she runs a business.  Becky was an astounding nurse and someone that made going through chemo with a 4-year-old that much easier because we knew she was on our side.  At one point, she was at a Candlelighters luncheon and I went over to tell her how much her exceptional care had meant to all of us.  She teared up when I told her and she said that she always felt so horrible giving Ellie her chemo because it felt so much as if she were hurting Ellie (or Zeba Beba Donna Sandy as she called herself at the time, but that is a different blog all together). 

Once when Ellie was in the PICU, she was covered in tubes.  She had gone into respiratory arrest and when she started to come out of the sedation, she was panicked when she felt all the tubes emanating from her body.  She become really agitated and tried to get out of bed.  I had Gracie on the bed with Ellie and put Gracie into Ellie's arms.  She closed her eyes and began to rub Gracie's head as she calmed down immediately.  That was the magic of Gracie. 

Before Gracie, Ellie had been given a doll named Tabitha.  Ellie's relationship with Tabitha was not quite as tender as her relationship with Gracie.  Ellie's favorite game with Tabitha was to throw her down the stairs.  Tabitha had some kind of battery inside of her that allowed her to "talk".  When her battery started to run out, the talking would not stop and she was like something out of a horror movie.  Garbled, deep sounds emanated from her body that would not subside.  Quite frightening I've gotta tell you.  Finally, Tabitha, after one too many tosses down the stairs lost the use of one of her open-close eyes.  One eye remained permanently shut.  We used this to our advantage by taking her with us to the eye doctor once to find out if anything could be done, or at the very least get a fancy name for the one eye won't open
syndrome.  There is a name for it, by the way, but I cannot recall what it is, for it was in fact, quite long and quite fancy. 

Ellie was done with Gracie a while ago, maybe a year or so.  I however was not.  I could not just give Gracie to the thrift store as I do most toys that we are finished with.  She had just meant too much to us at too many pivotal times.  So instead, I held onto her which is why I found her abandoned in the basement.  Suddenly it hit me that the couple across the street have a beautiful 6 month old who would most likely give Gracie loads of lovin'.  My hope for baby Juna is that when she has her moments of fear or upset that Baby Gracie will give her the same special magic that she gave to Ellie when she needed it most.

Wendy the Wonderful

[caption id="attachment_397" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Brave on so many fronts..."][/caption]

My friend Wendy is turning 40 on Sunday, November 23.  This blog is dedicated to her and all that she has added to our life.  Wendy (or Maude as she would prefer to be called) is the kind of friend my sister told me about.  The kind of friend who is allowed to enter your home without knocking, at some point you just get past the whole knocking thing.

During our whole summer of crazy, Wendy stood firmly by our sides.  She never flinched at our crazy moments, but just let them pass and move on.  (OK, maybe an occasional eye roll or slight flinch, but who could blame her?)  When others dropped us because they couldn't take all the crying or screaming, Wendy stood by our side.  When others ran from our home, Wendy continued to come to our house for oh so crazy, LOUD playdates.  She was not dissuaded by the crazy that had temporarily taken residence of our home.

The first time I met Wendy was at bookclub.  She was telling the group how frustrated she was at making friends in her new town of Middleton (right next door to Madison and voted best city of the year by Money Magazine.  I guess not best city at being able to make friends easily, however.)  I decided right then and there that we would be friends.

It would be a toss up deciding who in my family loves Wendy most.  Every single time Wendy comes over, Ellie talks and talks and talks about how much fun we had and wonders when Wendy & Max (her adorable son) can come again.  Thom said he likes that Wendy keeps me entertained, so he doesn't have to.

When Wendy was pregnant with Max, she would come over at least once a week to read and hang out with Ellie.  This was most helpful to me as it gave me time to hang out with the then Baby Ben without feeling as if I were completely ignoring Ellie.

When Ellie was in the hospital last spring, Wendy often took Ben for the day so that Thom could sleep or go to the office while I went to the hospital to stay with Ellie.  She told me that she was practicing for when Max would be a toddler.  Afterwards, she would tell me that Ben would do things that really made sense to a 3-year-old, but maybe not to anybody else.  I knew then that Ben was in good hands because Wendy was thinking where Ben was coming from, not where she wanted Ben to come from.  And Ben was so proud to be spending time with his buddy Max and his friend, Wendy.  If she saw that it would be easier for us if she dropped Ben off at home or at the hospital she would do that even if it was NOT at all easier for her.   And she never ever acted as if she were doing us a big favor, even though she was completely.

Around Halloween Wendy phoned and Ben asked to speak with her.   Ben asked Wendy what she was going to be for Halloween.  Wendy responded by telling Ben what Max was going to be for Halloween, to which Ben responded by asking again what Wendy was going to be.  Ben doesn't just think of Wendy as his buddy Max's mommy, he thinks of Wendy as his friend too.  He likes her hugs most of all.

Top things I like about Wendy:

1.   Humor

Her sense of humor.  If I tell a Senfield joke, she gets it.  Not everyone gets those references.  It is important.  She loves to laugh and she is quick witted.  Honestly, I am not sure if I could be good friends with someone who didn't have a good sense of humor.  Serious in any long term way just doesn't work for me.

2.  Mothering

She is a fantastic mom.  You can tell she adores Max, even when she's annoyed with him you can see her love shining through.  That's saying something.  She is understanding when I am striving to be the mom that I want to be but I am not in that moment.

3.  Listening

She really listens.  I mean really listens as if what I am saying is of the utmost importance.  When I was telling her recently how Ellie has trouble if she starts thinking of things as "twins" if those objects are separated from one another.  It feels obsessive, as if Ellie is stuck in some kind of thought circle that she can't climb out of .  Wendy nodded her head as if, first of all, what I was saying was actually interesting and, second of all, as if she understood what I was saying.  Man, how wonderful to be understood by someone.

4.  Intelligence

She is intelligent.  When I told her that Ellie might not be cerebral salt wasting anymore, she said "Yeah", as if I'd already told her this information.  Startled, I asked her if I'd already told her about that, because I didn't think I'd told anyone.  She told me that when she looked up cerebral salt wasting it made sense to her that it would end after Ellie's surgery.  I mean a friend that is actually INTERESTED in all of this medical mumbo jumbo, are you kidding me?  On her own time, she looked up Ellie's myriad of medical conditions just because she wanted to know.  As Mary Poppins before her, she is practically perfect in every way.

5.  Memory

She will remember all those trivial details of what I like and don't like even after I've forgotten.  I like that she is thoughtful enough to recall these details.  It's not earth-shattering but it makes me feel important.

6.   PJ comofortable

I love being around Wendy because I can just be myself.  I can be pjs or sweats.  I don't have to always be shiny (although I often am if she is around).  I can sometimes be grumpy or sleepy or hungry or impatient and she will still be there.  She might look at me funny, but she will not run screaming from my house.  To me, right now, that is probably the most important characteristic of a friend.

Our lives certainly would not be as sunny funny without our superb friend, Wendy.  Happy birthday, Wendy.  You make 40 look fantastic!

the DMV

[caption id="attachment_231" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="The DMV cannot keep Super Ben down!"][/caption]

This past March, I was sent a notice from the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) informing me it was time to have my driver's license renewed.  Outside of my basement, the DMV is one of my least favorite destinations in Madison.  The DMV gave me plenty of time to accomplish this renewal task.  However, I kept delaying going on this somewhat unpleasant journey.

Finally, I was up against the clock.  I had only one week left to renew my license.  I was discussing this with someone that I work out with (who happens to be a funeral director which I find fascinating not at all what I would envision a funeral director being--she is lively and energetic and really funny.)  As I was telling her how I was trying to decide if I should get a babysitter or take my children with me.  She strongly suggested that I take my children.  I mean other people must take their children, too, what could be the big deal??

[caption id="attachment_355" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Just because bear ears are cute"][/caption]

The day of the DMV trip arrived.  I got the children all dressed and ready to go.  We piled into the car and I prepared myself mentally for the task ahead.  In some strange way, I felt as if I were preparing myself for our brain surgery that would happen in a month.  If I could conquer the DMV with 2 small children in tow, brain surgery would be a breeze.  Little did I know what was in store for me.

When we arrived, the DMV was much more crowded than I had imagined it would be in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday.  I thought (or was desperately hoping) that it would be empty.  We obtained a number and went to wait near the cameras.

[caption id="attachment_142" align="alignleft" width="287" caption="Ellie pretends to have her DMV photo taken."][/caption]

We waited and waited and waited.  While we waited, Ben walked up and down the empty chairs and walk/ran laps around the DMV waiting room.  Ellie continually asked me when we could leave.  She also sang a really loud song.  You would be surprised how many people do NOT appreciate the entertainment value of my children.  It is shocking when the people around me do not recognize the obvious talent my children are providing and for FREE.  My children can barely contain all that talent in those small bodies.  You may think I am merely a proud mama.  But I am not lying about this, any one of their grandparents will back me up.  We waited some more, watching anxiously as the "to serve" numbers changed on the board.

Finally finally finally, I was the very next number.  More excited I have never been.  Suddenly, Ellie got that look on her face like something was about to come flying outta her body (aka throwing up, vomiting, regurgitating).  I looked around frantically.  Oh man, the bathroom was entirely on the other side of the rather large waiting room.  I knew that if we went to the bathroom right then I would completely lose my place in line.  What to do??  What to do??  I found a trashcan nearby, which I quickly scooped up and ran over placing it near Ellie's feet.  Sweet Ellie closed her mouth up tight and said, "I'll just hold it in."  And much to my surprise, this technique worked.

[caption id="attachment_385" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Do you have a license sir?"][/caption]

One of the DMV workers noticed my dilemma and asked me, "Is there anything I can do?"  And I started stammering that Ellie wasn't feeling well, that I thought she was going to be ok now, that my number was next in line.  He asked again, more insistently this time, "Can I help you?"  Still not understanding that he meant he would go ahead and renew my license, I stammered out another incoherent way-too-much information response.  When I didn't take the hint, he finally changed the numbers on the counter to say MY number.

I approached the window and left Ellie sitting in a chair where I could see her.  Ben decided to hide under one of those tall counters used for standing and writing.  He pretended he was hiding in a cave.  This was fine, except that he was in one direction and Ellie was in the other.  Taking the eye exam was the hardest part because then the children were truly in an unsupervised state, at least from me.

When I completed the eye exam, I was excited that we were very near the end of our stay at the DMV.  The gentleman who was helping me, suddenly said, "Oh no."  And I felt my stomach sink.  The computers were down.  I don't know what we did before computers.  Everyone was scrambling trying to figure out how to proceed with no computer support.  Finally, I was given a written copy of my driver's license (or driverslicence as Ellie used to say.)

Then we proceeded over to the area for a new photo.  Ben was highly disappointed that he could not be included in the photo.  I thought that would be an even better picture, the last time I had my DMV photo taken, I was pregnant with Ben.   Ellie and Ben sat on a little sofa together waiting for me to complete my

[caption id="attachment_143" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="After the first Wisconsin DMV photo..."][/caption]

photo.  Ben kept getting up and running over to see if there was anything he could do to help with either the photographing or the computers.

When I told my work-out buddy the whole DMV experience, she looked shocked that I had taken her advice.  She stammered, "I don't have any kids, you shouldn't listen to my advice about children."

When I went to the DMV last time I took 4-year-old Ellie and everyone there was entertained by her wanting to talk and look at magazines.  They even opened a new line so that we could go through more quickly.  The lesson I've learned from all this is that it may actually be beneficial to bring my children to the DMV with me for better service.  At the very least, it gives me something to blog about.

Mermaid Cafe

[caption id="attachment_140" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Coffee Happy"][/caption]

Mermaid Cafe coffee makes me happy.  Now, you may be wondering if all coffee makes me happy.  But, alas, no, some coffee makes me mean and grumpy.  Nobody wants that.  Particularly my children.  My favorite coffee outside of Mermaid Cafe is hotel coffee.  When I was a counselor on Chicago's west side, we often had trainings at a chain hotel (it rhymes with champton bin).  They had the BEST coffee and that is when I first discovered my love of hotel coffee.

But I digress.  Mermaid Cafe opened somewhat recently in my neighborhood.  It is a fantastic place.  One of the things we like about it is that they have a cozy chair for Ellie to sit on.  Another thing we like about it is they have a play area with an etch-a-sketch near the cozy chair previously mentioned.   And they have super yummy chocolate muffins that are half chocolate half chocolate chip cheesecake (brilliant!).  As you can well imagine, we frequented Mermaid Cafe quite often this past summer.  It was a nice little walk (only a few blocks, when that was all Ellie was able to do) and highly comfortable for us.

[caption id="attachment_153" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ben reads with Elmo"][/caption]

One day we were eating lunch at Mermaid Cafe.  Yes, I didn't want to send you over the edge, but they also offer yummy sandwiches (grilled cheese is Ben's favorite--he is afterall a Wisconsin boy) and delicious soup.  As you may or may not know, Ben and Ellie are really really good at throwing up.  I never ever worry that Ben is going to choke on anything b/c anything that gets stuck comes right on back up (he gets that from Thom).  It's practically a super power.  Well, as we were sitting enjoying our lunch, Ben started gagging on something he was eating.  We were sitting near the bathrooms (I know, why did we choose to sit near the bathrooms you may wonder, and now I am wondering also).  I thought that I could grab Ben and get him into the bathroom before he really blew.  But alas, as I tried to grab his body out of the chair, his legs got stuck in the back of the chair (he was sitting on his knees) and he was stuck good.  When he became unstuck, the chair flew to the ground making a very loud banging sound.  Ellie started screaming at all of this startling commotion.  As I was taking care of Ben in the bathroom, I was trying to prop the door open so that I could reassure Ellie that we were OK.  The owner, Lisa, came over and very calmly asked, "What can I do to help?"  She quickly assessed the situation.  She grabbed Ellie by the hand and said, "Why don't you come and help me?"  Which, had the effect of immediately calming Ellie down.  Ellie helped her clean up the table and I was able to help Ben finish his very important and messy business.  It was one of the most helpful things anyone did all of our crazy summer.  Typically, others just stare or gawk or glare or smile when we have our crazy moment, making me feel on stage displaying all of our naked crazy parts.   It may not seem polite to jump in and offer assistance, but when the woman at Mermaid Cafe offered assistance it was hugely helpful to me. 

[caption id="attachment_146" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie, Ben & I"][/caption]

Recently, I went into to Mermaid Cafe for some morning muffins.  During my morning workout, the instructor had informed us to listen to our bodies, to which I responded, "My body says it wants MUFFINS!"  Yes, I said it out loud, it's harder to sensor myself at 6:30am.  Well, when I showed up at Mermaid Cafe to obtain the muffins my body desperately needed, the two workers there were discussing new aprons and how excited they were.  I thought this sounded exciting myself and told them so.  Instead of looking at me snidely as if I should mind my own business, they told me that I was just their kind of customer.  That's the thing when I come to  Mermaid Cafe, I do feel like the "right" kind of customer, I feel like I fit in, like I belong to a bigger community.  Now when we pass by Mermaid Cafe on our way to school, some of the people working there will wave hello to Ellie.  I am so thankful to have a coffee shop nearby where we can get yummy food and happy coffee and feel completely at comfortable even if crazy happens to slip out.

The illusion

[caption id="attachment_335" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why we do not take family photos"][/caption]

There is a woman who lives in my neighborhood who brings her son round every year to sell me things to support the organization he is involved with.  I remember so clearly how agonizing it was for me to sell girl scout cookies door-to-door.  So every year I buy something from him as he nervously stands on my front porch. 

Well, when Ellie started school I noticed this woman on the school grounds.  So, when I would see her, I would smile and wave.  She however, would not even acknowledge my existence.  At first I thought, well maybe she didn't remember me.  But after a

[caption id="attachment_338" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Exhibit B"][/caption]

couple of times I started to get a little annoyed, I mean who did she think she was?  I knew that the next time her son was selling something she would be at my door as nice as could be.  But if she saw me on the street, she wouldn't even say "hi".   Rude.  That's what I call that.  The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became, knowing that I would not be able to refuse her son when he showed up on my doorstep. 

One day as we were walking home from school I saw her walking towards us.  I didn't realize it was her at first, because my first thought was how the person walking towards us seemed to have some difficulty seeing.  Then it suddenly hit me that she couldn't see very well and THAT was why she wasn't acknowledging me.  She wasn't trying to be rude, she just could not see who I was.  Boy, color me stupid. 

[caption id="attachment_339" align="alignright" width="270" caption="As if you needed even more evidence"][/caption]

The whole scenario reminded me of a story told in a book by Ronald Regan's daughter.  (This is in no way an endorsement for Ronald Regan and his politics which I know very little about.  I am not as astute as my sister-in-law, Sara, in matters of politics.  When Ronald Regan was president, I was in high school and college and had much more important things to focus on.  Like how high my bangs could stand up.  Or which socks best matched my shirt.)  In the book, Patty Davis talked about how one day she and her father were in a grocery store and the clerk was rather short with them.  As they were leaving, Patty said something about how rude the clerk had been.  Her father stopped her and told her that they really didn't know anything about the clerk's life so it was not their place to judge how she was acting because they did not have all the information to do so. 

[caption id="attachment_337" align="alignleft" width="270" caption="Missing family member"][/caption]

There was a morning within the last year when we were out to breakfast and Ellie was consuming a bag of potato chips.  A passerby sarcestically commented how Ellie was really having a nutritious breakfast.  At the time, Thom told this person that it actually was good for Ellie.  How could chips possibly be good for you?  If your sodium is low, as Ellie's was, a bag of chips is not the worst thing to be eating.  Not everything as a simple as it seems.

Once Ellie was having a seizure and we were racing through Madison trying to get her to the hospital.   We were driving crazy because we had been told that if Ellie went into a seizure and wasn't coming out of it, she could have brain damage or get to the point where she could not come out of it.  As we were driving through red lights and in the bus lanes, I thought of how the other drivers had no idea that we were having a medical emergency, that we were not just being idiot drivers.  I thought of all the times I had been offended by someone else's driving and vowed to not be again because how could I possibly know what was going on in their car?

[caption id="attachment_129" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Jenny & Bella"][/caption]

We were in a restaurant a few years ago with our great friend, Jenny, and her family.  Ellie was not feeling well, I don't recall if she was undergoing chemo or getting ready for surgery or she'd just had surgery.  Whatever was happening, she was struggling through something and just not feeling well.  When we went to this restaurant together, Ellie suddenly and loudly started losing it--crying, yelling, screaming, totally and completely inconsolable.  We knew that Ellie was not really upset about the fries or whatever she claimed to be upset about at that moment.  We knew that there was a lot more that she was upset about at that moment.  At one point, Jenny looked at me, bewildered and said, "Nobody here knows what is really happening with Ellie."  She meant that all the other patrons in the restaurant were making up stories of why Ellie was inconsolable.  Perhaps Thom & I were bad parents who could not control their child.  Perhaps Ellie was a bad seed.  Perhaps the other patrons just wanted us to vacate the premises.  But what I took from Jenny's statement was that really none of us knows what is really really going on with anyone else, even those closest to us. 

In social psychology there is a theory that says that when we react to something we attribute our own reaction to environmental factors.  We say, "Oh, it was Monday, that's why I was so grumpy."  But if someone else has the same reaction, we often assign a characteristic or personality trait tto that person.  "Man is he a grumpy person!"  Typically we will give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, but we won't give the same benefit to others. 

[caption id="attachment_341" align="alignleft" width="203" caption="Too tired for a family photo"][/caption]

 My challenge to you on this election day is to give those around you the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe even give yourself a break.  If someone does something that you don't like, what if you just let it be and decided that you would not sit in judgement.  I'm not talking about being fake nice or stuffing your anger (I am trained in psychology afterall).  I am talking about deciding that maybe just maybe you don't know the whole story.  What if the person who seems like such a jerk is really doing the very best he/she can?  I envisioned what an amazing day it would be if we all just gave eachother a break.  Plus you have the extra bonus of not feeling like a total idiot (like I did) when you realize that the other person actually can't see you.  Imagine how good it would feel for just one day.  (Maybe you could even right a "comment" to share your experience...)

Icky sickies

Early Tuesday morning, I woke up with that heart thumping "Oh, no, I'm gonna blow!" feeling.  I raced into the bathroom.  I won't get more graphic than that.  I think you get the idea.

Whenever I feel nauseated I think of all the many many many times that Ellie has felt nauseated.  And then I feel worse.  I know it is a pointless thought, but I am highly vulnerable to it when I am feeling poorly.   I remember when Ellie was maybe two and I was setting dinner on the table and Ellie almost threw up.  I thought that I could not go on living that way with Ellie so often gagging and retching at everything.  Even eating certain foods around Ellie like a salad or a banana would cause her to retch.  Or putting on lotion, not on her skin on my skin.  Or washing my face, not her face, but my face.  So many things seemed to set her off.  It appeared that she was always at least slightly nauseated.  At one point, it got so bad that we took her to the ER.  The medical team just didn't know what to do to help her feel better, which left us feeling much worse and in search of solutions elsewhere.  

[caption id="attachment_329" align="alignright" width="270" caption="Baby Ellie feeling good"][/caption]

Just recently I have been finding take-out plastic bowls that we had strategically placed throughout the house to catch anything that might come flying out of Ellie at any given moment.  I realized that it has been months and months since we were concerned about Ellie feeling nauseated.  It was one of the dreams we had that so gradually came true that we failed to even notice it.  I finally felt comfortable putting all those catch bowls back in the drawer because we don't need them anymore!  I am filled with gratitude that Ellie is not feeling that way consistently like she used to.  Ellie herself is surprised that she no longer feels the need to run out of the bathroom during lotion or face washing time.  It is so freeing to live life without the dread of nausea constantly floating over our heads.

Bit of Ben

Following are stories that the "grands" (aka grandparents) and possibly a few other close friends and family would thoroughly enjoy.  I've realized if I share them with almost anybody else, they will force a polite laugh and pretend as if my story is actually interesting to them when it actually is not.  Good thing I have a blog so all those unsuspecting souls I run into on a daily basis are spared.

Ben informed me about a week ago, "You are the very best mommy in the whole wide world."  Then he gave me a huge hug.  It is these moments of unbridled enthusiasm that make me adore having a three year old in my life.  

One day our cable company repair person was sent to fix our cable, apparently our whole block was out of cable.  Well, when the cable person came, Ben was so excited to watch him at work.  He loved all of the equipment he had and that he drove a truck.  Even better, the repair person got to climb up a ladder to look at the cables.  When the cable guy came down from the ladder he informed us that it was a bigger problem than he had anticipated and that another repair person would have to come and do the repairs.  Ben asked him, "Do you have to have a girl come to fix it?"  He didn't mean it in a taunting kind of way, he sincerely seemed to be under the impression that if this guy couldn't fix it then a girl could.  What a wonderful world Ben lives in where girls are able to fix all the problems when the boys are unable to do so. 

[caption id="attachment_239" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben or Ellie?"][/caption]

The other night, Ben came into the bedroom and used his very first contraction.  He said, "I didn't know there was a bed and window in here."  I didn't say that his first contraction sentence made any sense, I just said that he used it. 

When Ellie first started walking for exercise this summer, we bought an odometer so we could track how long we were walking.  One of the first times we used it, Ben wondered why Ellie was wearing a thermometer.

Every since Ben first started saying, "Grandpa", he has been confused about the distinction between "GrandMA" and "GrandPA".  So Grandma would say it so he could hear the difference, "No, I'm GrandMA."  Until Ben started saying it like that, "GrandMA."  Now, however, he is back to saying it the way he used to, "Grandpa & Grandpa".

[caption id="attachment_155" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ben in his favorite outfit."][/caption]

As we were riding in the car the other day, I asked Ellie where she was born.  She replied, "Chicago."  Then, I asked Ben where he was born.  He replied, "I don't remember", as if he didn't recall the actual day he was born. 

Ben & I have been discussing what happens when you eat food.  How the mouth mashes it up, how it goes down the esophagus, into the stomach, etc.  One day he started choking on some food or water and I asked him if it had gone down the wrong pipe.  He responded immediately that it had gone down, "The poop pipe."  Well this was a pipe I was unfamiliar with, and I didn't realize that such a pipe would actually take food in rather than putting food out.

[caption id="attachment_284" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben head"][/caption]

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog that I was anxiously awaiting feedback from my husband.  I repeatedly asked my beloved throughout the day, "Have you read my blog?"  Until Ben chimed in and asked, "Why daddy no eat him log?"  For some strange reason Ben thinks that you put a log on a fire is to cook it up and eat it.   We've never actually eaten logs, but I guess he'll keep waiting for that particular meal.

Ben refuses to use his spoon or fork in more than one food.  If I suggest he use the spoon or fork already next to his bowl or plate, he looks at me in disgust as if he can't believe I would suggest such a thing.  Now our dishwasher is constantly full of flatware.  Our small spoons seem to be always dirty.  I think he misunderstood when he joined the Kennedy family which branch we are.   

Ohmygosh, Josh, it's your birthday!

[caption id="attachment_297" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Josh"][/caption]

Perhaps you would see my nephew, Josh, as a champion soccer player (good going!)  Perhaps you would see him as a referee or an electric bass guitarist.  Perhaps you would see Josh as a skateboarder who refused to give up even after numerous injuries.  Perhaps you would see Josh as just a really great, adorable kid.  The guy next door.  I see Josh as the boy who initiated me into being an aunt.  This blog is dedicated to him on his 15th birthday (October 30, 2008). 

When Josh and I first met, I was young (25), he was younger (2).  At the time he enjoyed playing drums with his silverware on his plate.  Even though he was young, he could already do that thing of rolling the pasta noodle onto your fork (which I still can't do properly).  He is the only of my nieces/nephews to have attended my wedding (and good job being quite during that by the way!)  Saying "spaghetti" instead of "cheese" during a photo shoot would give him the giggles.  And he called me Aunt DeVi.  Because Josh was such an absolutely awesome nephew, he made me look good as an aunt.  I honestly cannot say that I would have decided to continue with my aunting career (now numbering 10), if it had not been for such an auspicious start with my nephew Josh. 

[caption id="attachment_299" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Josh poses"][/caption]

When Josh lived in Munsee, Indiana, we would go visit him for the weekend and man-oh-man would I miss him when I returned home.   Partly because I just had so much fun hanging out with him and partly because I knew that he would be completely different the next time we visited.  One of my favorite memories was the two of us sitting on the sofa together looking through catalogues, deciding what color shoes or shirts we thought would be the nicest, while his father wondered what the heck we were doing.   Another favorite memory was teaching him how to make his action figure do a kick-ball-change.  These are the types of things only an aunt can teach you really.

[caption id="attachment_298" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Josh in China, yes China!"][/caption]

Thom was recalling a time when we lived in Chicago and Amy, Mike & Josh came for a visit.  Well, Josh was hanging his head out of the window to greet us.  Mike did not realize that Josh was doing this activity and began to roll the window up from the front seat (one of those new fangled automatic window openers I've heard talk about).  Josh not realizing he should bring his head back into the vehicle suddenly had a very stuck head.  Which brings me to an oh so important life lesson, many things may not seem funny now.  But as time passes, they become hilarious.  Very important lesson, particularly for those sometimes awkward teen years (please see previous blogs for numerous examples of this lesson).

One Thanksgiving, Josh and his family of 5 drove all the way from Richmond, Virginia to Madison, Wisconsin to spend the holiday with us.  (I know, WOW!)  At the time, Ellie was undergoing chemotherapy, so we were not traveling much and we thoroughly appreciated a visit for the holiday.  Thom, Ellie, & I had just been to the hospital that morning for chemo and as we were getting into my car, my keychain broke.  It was a keychain that said, "London" on it and because of my love of British things I was saddened by such a loss.  (I don't know why but they don't have many "London" keychains in Madison.)  Anyway, when I started to ask Josh what he liked to do, he told me he liked to make keychains.  That is the kind of guy he is, he shows up just at the right time with exactly what you need.  To this day, I still have a blue and yellow keychain made for me by my nephew Josh.  It was the only keychain that could possibly replace my beloved London keychain.

[caption id="attachment_281" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="I see Josh, Ben sees cars"][/caption]

It has been amazing to watch Josh blossom from an adorable toddler into a thoughtful teenager.  He is sensitive and smart and oh-so-likable.  The last time we were all together, last Thanksgiving, he would listen as the adults were talking.  He was really listening, not just staring off into space acting as if he were listening.  Really listening is one of those super important traits that is so often undervalued and I am glad to see that Josh is so good at it. 

Ben just adores his cousin Josh, which is funny because Josh is not all that interested in Ben.  I mean he doesn't NOT like him.  I think it's sort of a "cat" thing.  Because Josh is not trying really hard to play with Ben, Ben really wants to play with Josh.  However, Josh and his brother Sam did teach Ben how to wrestle, one of Ben's very favorite activities. 

[caption id="attachment_283" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Sam & Josh teach Ben how to wrestle."][/caption]

Even though I don't get to see my nephew Josh or converse with him nearly as much as I would like, I feel happier, sunnier knowing that he is around and a part of my family.  I feel so greatful that Ellie & Ben will grow up having him as a cousin.  Because even though I get the privilege of calling him my nephew, they get the opportunity to know him as an older cousin, someone to look up to.  Thanks Josh, for all that you have contributed to our family.  I am so looking forward to watching all that you have share with the world unfold.  Happy Birthday!  We love you!