The Surprising Thing

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It started with a runny nose on Tuesday, which quickly led to coughing and wheezing Wednesday.  That was the progression of Lotta's most recent cold.  Wednesday night was the worst as Lotta developed a sore throat. Growing up with Asthma I have an extremely low tolerance for wheezing/breathing issues in my children.  Wednesday night went like this--Lotta would finally fall asleep for say 10-20 minutes before waking up screaming, crying, upset, gasping for air.  It felt as if I was being tortured as every time I would fall asleep, I would suddenly be woken up with extremely loud crying.  By midnight, I was losing it.  Then Lotta became so upset she started throwing up.  Thom, being the super dad that he is, helped me get her all cleaned up and back in bed where she once again fell asleep for a short nap.  As she was napping I was suddenly transported back to the night Ellie died, when she was struggling to breathe her last breaths.  Ugh.  I felt so powerless and frustrated and angry and sad with that longing for Ellie.  I abhor these breathing challenges.  I cannot stand them.  I wish no one ever had to go through them ever. I had a really good, ugly cry right then and there as Lotta lay sleeping not so peacefully.  When I was done, it was as if I had cleared out some extra junk.  I was then able to be compassionate and patient with Lotta for the rest of the night (well until about 5:30am when I was reaching the point of exhaustion).  I felt amazed that being able to walk through that grief allowed me to be more of the mom I wanted to be.  I guess the fear is  that if I allow myself to grieve I will be unable to be the mom I want to be.  The whole thing was highly freeing and surprising.

Last night, Lotta and I both slept oh so soundly.  As I woke up I thought how a truly bad night's sleep can give you such an appreciation for a good one!

A Stuart Smalley Moment

The other morning before school, I peeked downstairs to see what Ben was up to.  He was having an in depth conversation with himself in the mirror by the front door.  A highly amusing conversation at that, as a lot of laughter was taking place.   I inquired whether he needed to get his coat on for the bus.  Quickly he threw his jacket on and raced out the door.

We began a new tradition of taking an after dinner walk.  Ben loves this because now it is dark outside and it seems like a special treat to get to walk in the dark together.  Now every night it is Lotta who races immediately following dinner to put her shoes on.  And it is Ben who wonders in the afternoon whether or not we will be taking our evening constitutional.  During one of these nights, Ben suddenly exclaimed how happy he was that we had had Lotta because he would have been highly lonely after Ellie died.  I had to concur.

Another day last week, I suddenly heard Ben yell, "Lotta this is NOT a joke!" as he tore through the house.  Then the whole downstairs exploded with laughter and giggles as Ben continued to chase Lotta around the house.

[caption id="attachment_4977" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bet you did not know you could go on a Space Shuttle ride in Slater, Missouri!"][/caption]

At Ben's most recent dental visit, he was, once again, super excited about the FREE toy he would receive after the visit.  Last time he was given two toys because he'd done so well and he was quite sure he could outdo his previous performance.  When the dental hygienist opened the treasure box, Ben chose a golden ring with a pink stone.  I was a little surprised as he had been collecting horses from their stash, but knew, most likely he had a plan.  When we arrived home, he would not let Lotta play with his new sparkly jewel.  He inquired whether I thought it was real gold.  He looked disappointed when I told him probably not.  Then he inquired whether the stone was real.  Again, a look of disappointment as I explained that, no in fact, they were not giving away precious jewels at the dentist.  I think he'd had plans to sell that ring and become rich.  Suddenly, Lotta's wish came true and she had herself a brand new ring.