Dagnabbit Those Delcious Chocolate Chip Cookies

Yesterday Lotta and I went to Willy Street Co-op to do our weekly grocery shopping.  (You all know that Willy Street Co-op has been an emotional minefield since Ellie passed, as this was our favorite "date" place for quite a while.)  As we passed the big container of store made chocolate chip cookies, I suddenly had that sharp edged longing for Ellie, wishing so desperately that I could be buying a cookie for Ellie or even frustrated that this was the only food she would consume.  Wishing to be frustrated.  Seriously?  I held it together pretty well but  the floodgates opened when I received a call from Thom in the pasta aisle.  Lotta looked at me with eyes filled with concern, as if she too might join me in a good eye-washing.  Then instead of 2 girls standing around chewing gum (did I mention Lotta adores gum?), we would be 2 girls weeping in the pasta aisle.  After I held Lotta for a minute, she jumped out of my arms (can't keep her stationary for long) and took matters into her own (little) hands.  She began to push the cart of out of the aisle, as if to say, 'We gotta get outta this sad sad aisle mom!"

Later  I was contemplating the 90 second rule I'd read about in an article by Martha Beck in Oprah Magazine.  She said that neuroscientists have discovered that it takes our body 90 seconds to cycle through the hormones that are released when we feel an intense emotion.  Now when I find myself in a despairing moment, I think to myself, 90 seconds, I can handle this for 90 seconds.  And suddenly when I stop resisting it, I find that I can actually survive this overwhelming wave of emotion that originally I did not think I could.  Maybe next time I pass the cookies, I will get one and savor every bite in honor of Ellie.