Algebra in real life

[caption id="attachment_398" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What do you do if your child is scooped up by a bulldozer?"][/caption]

I was watching a documentary one night with my beloved (that's you, Thom) about these Buddhist Monks who attempt to reach enlightenment through physical trials.  For example, they walk over mountains for months or don't eat, drink, or sleep for 9 days.  Apparently not sleeping can kill you faster than not eating or drinking, just so you know.  Anyway, it was a fairly slow moving documentary and I found myself drifting off to sleep.  Thom found my falling asleep when the Buddhist Monk stayed awake for 9 days highly ironic and amusing.  I retorted that the Buddhist monk had not spent the day caring for 2 young children. I mean I used to stay up all night all the time in college, and only occasionally spill my extra large coffee in class by falling asleep at my desk.  Now if I can make it to 9:30pm, I feel like I deserve a medal.  Taking care of my kids is most definitely what I want to be doing right now but man-oh-man is it energy consuming!

[caption id="attachment_185" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Then there is fire you have to keep them away from."][/caption]

I mean really, television producers are going to all the trouble to come up with challenges for people on desert island reality shows, when they could actually consult a family manager (aka stay-at-home mom) on some reallife challenges.  What if they set up a challenge of everyone going to the grocery store at the busiest time of the day with 2 tired and hungry children and a budget.  And a big tantrum in Aisle 5.  And a spill in Aisle 3.  And keeping track of all that winter gear.  Good luck.  See who comes out alive in that situation.  Makes a deserted island look tame in comparison. 

[caption id="attachment_462" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben has a hard time imagining his parents having fun without HIM."][/caption]

Sometimes, I think of these daily challenges as "story problems" like we all learned about (and then ignored) from algebra classes.  Here are some for your enjoyment, and I am sure you have many from your own life that television producers would just be chomping at the bit to recreate.

It's 4:30, you are tired, the kids are tired.  It's time to make dinner!  Everyone is depending on you to come up with a nutritious and delicious meal for all to enjoy.  Suddenly you realize that you have avoided going to the grocery store (see above challenge for possible reasons) and have only frozen items and the oh so dreaded broccoli in your fridge.  What do you do? 

[caption id="attachment_89" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Driver in a small car"][/caption]

You have a gas efficient car that only fits 4 people comfortably.  You need to take 2 guests to the airport, along with your two young children.  You will be driving the car, which leaves only 3 spots empty.  How do you do it? 

You are invited to book club which starts at 7pm.  It will take you approximately 30 minutes to travel to book club.  Your children insist that you be around for their bedtime or bedtime mysteriously does not happen.  How do you manage to attend bookclub, pretending that you've actually read the book, and arrive home by 8:30 pm, bedtime? 

One of your children loves to walk to school, for the exercise, fresh air and exhilaration of winter in Wisconsin.  Your other child hates to walk to school in the cold.  You need to somehow transport both children to school, how do you accomplish this task while still arriving at school on time?

These story "problems" occur on a daily basis, adding flair and color to our lives.  When I think of them as story problems, I know that the solution is out there, I just have to get calm enough to find it.

Cynthia the Rock Star

[caption id="attachment_497" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Everyone wants to be her friend."][/caption]

It was 6:30 am, I was working out.  My hair looked funny.  I was feeling kinda funky.  My mouth tasted like Walmart.  The floor of Walmart.  I did not know why.  A woman who was just my height (doesn't happen often at 5'2" in Wisconsin where they grow them big) started cracking some jokes.  That was only the beginning.

Because we met at a 6:30am at the gym,  we got to know eachother well without even knowing eachother well.  We knew what the other person looked like FRESH out of bed.  I discovered that the quality of Cynthia's workout depended upon the quality of her morning hairstyle.  I discovered that she loves The Jackson 5. 

One day in November, Cynthia sent me an e-mail and this is what she said, "... you are one of the most wonderful moms i have ever met. if we have multiple lives i wanna come back as your kid."  That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. 

Cynthia has invited me to her daughter, Caitlyn's birthday party for

[caption id="attachment_498" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Cutie pie Caitlyn"][/caption]

the past 2 years.  The thing I noticed at the last party was how everyone who entered Cynthia's home was greeted as if they were the very best guest, the one that Cynthia was waiting for all this time.  Now that kind of enthusiasm just makes you feel so incredibly comfortable and at home when you arrive at a party. 

Another thing I like about Cynthia is how she notices what she likes about other people.  When we worked out at MBG, she was constantly telling me how fabulous our co-worker outers were.  To which I would inevitably tell the co-worker outers how fabulous Cynthia thought they were (you know my philosophy on this, if you have read my previous blogs, I don't believe in waiting until someone is dead to tell them how remarkable they are.) 

Cynthia will always laugh even at my really dumb jokes.  In a recent e-mail she told her friends that I was, "her little ray of sunshine".  That has been my lifelong goal, to be some body's little ray of sunshine and now all my dreams have come true.   

Cynthia is one of the most fabulous photographers I know.  She is able to take a person and make them into an art form.  It is astounding.  I don't know how she does it.  I can barely remember to bring my camera anywhere, much less take the photos (and I get into much trouble for this lapse by extended family members). 

[caption id="attachment_499" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Cynthia glamorizes me"][/caption]

I love the way Cynthia loves mydaughter.  Not everyone appreciates and understands who Ellie is.  Some people do not have much tolerance for her, fortunately, Ellie does not notice.  So when I see some one adoring my daughter, it is like eating chocolate in a hot bubble bath in Italy.  A delicious dinner at your favorite restaurant. A holiday.  A vacation.  The BEST.  When Cynthia sits next to Ellie, she simply glows with appreciation and love.  She says things like, "That is so sweet".  Recently when Ellie started freaking out about a chair being moved, Cynthia said, "I understand that." 

More than once in an e-mail to her friends Cynthia has told them that they would thank their lucky stars if they had the opportunity to meet Ellie.    If we are out and about together, Cynthia doesn't mind if Ellie hangs out and talks with her & Caitlyn.  One day while we were at the Children's Museum, Cynthia suddenly blurted out, "I love you" to Ellie.  To which Ellie instantly responded, "I love you too".  When Cynthia told me this story, she explained that she didn't even realize she was going to say that until it burst out of her mouth.  I completely admire someone who is not afraid to say, "I love you."  And it is particularly meaningful to Ellie who will totally get that. 

My life in Madison has been so much better since I became friends with Cynthia.  Her daughter calls me, deVi, just as my first nephew,

[caption id="attachment_500" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Run Caitlyn, run!"][/caption]

Josh, did.  When I go over to Cynthia's house, everyone greets me with a huge hug and smiles on their faces.  Totally makes me want to come back.  Often.

When Ellie was in the hospital last spring, Cynthia called me once to yell at me for not letting her do more for me and my family.  So I "allowed" her to make us dinner.  She made it out as if I were doing her a favor.  Amazing!

She is one of those people that everyone wants to be her best friend.  She collects friends because she is so friendly and helpful, and just plain super.  She is the one that would take you to the hospital should you need a ride.  Or bring you a meal (see above) or watch your kiddo.  Quite simply, having Cynthia around has made my life (and my children's lives) that much sunnier and funnier.  Thanks Cynthia for all that you do, we are so greatful for YOU!

Prosperity everywhere

[caption id="attachment_434" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A wise newborn Ellie"][/caption]

On November 1, a couple of years ago, my brother Kip called early in the morning.  He asked me if we were ok.  I wondered what the heck he was talking about.  He told me that it had been on the national news that there was rioting in Madison the night before.  I then understood why we hadn't had any trick-or-treaters the night before.  Kip lives in New York City where it is almost impossible to get away from the news broadcasts.  He is astounded that I can live my life without watching the news.  I don't feel like the news adds anything of value to my life.  It's not really the "news" anyway, it's the "bad news" really.  And as this story illustrates, when the news reported rioting in Madison, that was NOT at all what was happening at our home (although it may look that way at times.)

[caption id="attachment_429" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Super Sleeper Power that eventually vanished"][/caption]

Recently, I have heard a lot of talk, even without watching the news, about the economy.  And how poor it is.  And how it is going to get worse.  And worse.  And worse.  When I hear these things, I feel my stomach clench with fear, wondering what is in store for all of us.  But then, I tell myself to get a grip.  I recall a time when my mom returned to Malawi (a small country in Africa where she lives) and she said the famine there had become so bad that the stores actually did not have food on the shelves.  When I go to my local grocery store (yeah, Willy Street Co-op!), I rarely see shelves empty and if they are there is typically a sign informing me when the product will be restocked. 

[caption id="attachment_453" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="OMG whose hand is that? It is HUGE!"][/caption]

I have decided that it would be more beneficial for me to look for signs of prosperity, rather than for signs of our doom-filled economy.  I usually don't have to look very far.  Here is a short list of what feels prosperous to me...1.  Easy access to fresh running water.  2.  A warm house on a cold day.  3.  A warm car on a cold day.  4.  A warm meal on a cold day (are you sensing a theme here??)  5.  Giggles 6.  The number of items I have access to at the local library.  7.  Madison thrift stores, where I feel that anything but anything can be mine.  8.  Baby toes 9.  Family meals. 10.  Being able to live in the city of my choosing.  11.  Being able to elect the president.  12.  A cell phone to call those I love. 13.  Freshly laundered sheets on the bed.  14.  A hot shower.  15.  Yummy smelling soap.  16.  Clothes from the dollar rack  17.  Hugs  18.  An art project....I mean I could go on and on and on here. 

I  see the gas prices lower than they have been in five years.  Instead of rejoicing, I hear on the  news that his

[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie on the boppy"][/caption]

is a sign of how horrible the economy really is.  While just a few months ago everyone was complaining of how high gas prices were now I hear no one rejoicing over the lowered prices.  What up wid dhat?. 

Recently, Thom & I watched the movie The Great Debaters.  One thing that amazed me was how the great depression was portrayed in the movie.  All of the history lessons I have received painted a picture of life during the depression as the hardest of times.  I envisioned hugely long soup lines.  Dust blowing everywhere.  People just sitting around and moaning.  But in the movie here were these students, African American no less, who were thriving at their university.  In the extra features of the DVD, they interviewed students who had actually been alive during the time.  Amazing.  Not at all what I imagined the depression was like.  The percentage of people out of work was high, but it was not as high as I would have imagined.  The vast majority of the population was still working. 

[caption id="attachment_147" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Baby Ben on the boppy."][/caption]

When Ben & I sometimes get into an argument, Ellie often becomes upset herself.  I tell her that Ben & I are working through something, very soon we will peaceful again.  I know that Ben & I will find a way to work it out and come to an acceptable agreement.  Ellie is not.  She feels the intense emotions and she responds to that.  That is what I feel about our economy right now, that we are processing through something.  We are in the process of creating something different.  We just need time to work it out and figure out something even better than we had before.

Recently as we have been walking to school in the snow, Ellie has begun to talk about how much she hates the snow.  I ask her, "If you say how much you hate the snow the whole way to school how will you feel?"  She responds, "Bad".  I ask

[caption id="attachment_115" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Prosperity to Ben"][/caption]

her what thought might feel better.  She always comes up with a better feeling thought, like, "I will be outside for only a short time then I can be cozy again."  My point is that if we all focus on how horrible the economy is, then how will we feel?  BAD.  If we focus on the many many things that are going well in this country how we will feel.  Good.  I choose to feel good.  I know we will find solutions more easily if we are feeling good than if we are stuck rolling around in the bad.  Thus, I will continue to look for prosperity around me.  Because I know that as Einstein said a problem cannot be fixed at the level of the problem, we must somehow find a way to rise above it.   That is where our solutions live.

It's not brain surgery...oh wait... it IS.

[caption id="attachment_459" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Sunny Florida in January!"][/caption]

Last January, we decided to go to Amelia Island, Florida to celebrate Ellie's 8th birthday.  Every since I'd moved north, I'd had the thought that if I could just get somewhere sunny in January, I would be in better spirits for the rest of winter (which seems to last until May some years).  And, quite frankly, we are really good at being on vacation.

Upon our return, Ellie had an MRI.  Dr. Iskandar (the pediatric neurosurgeon) explained that the shunt that was routing excess cerebral spinal fluid from her brain to her stomach was beginning to fail. The tumor had grown enough to make the shunt less effective.  He felt like it was only a matter of time before it completely did not work and at that point we would have to do an emergency partial resection of the tumor (aka brain surgery).  Thom & I went home to discuss this rather large decision we had to make for which I felt solely under qualified.  For years I had struggled against the possibility of having to do another brain surgery, I didn't feel I could bear to witness Ellie going through something like that again.  But, when it was presented to us this time it didn't really seem like a decision needed to be made, it seemed like the next logical step on our journey.

[caption id="attachment_136" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A previous trip to the beach with cousin Katy."][/caption]

The surgery was scheduled for April 4.  Which meant I had two months to ponder.  Typically we have had emergency types of surgeries and procedures.  While it is certainly not desirable to be in an emergency situation, at least it eliminates the pre-surgery stress build up.  I was determined that this time I would not fall into the worry spiral that ends in the well of despair.

I remember in Chicago Ellie (Betsiat the time) and I were waiting to see her oncologist.  Sitting beside us was a couple who were waiting to speak with a cardiologist.  Their baby needed heart surgery and they were traveling around interviewing doctors.  I shared how Ellie had had emergency brain surgery.  We looked at each other in amazement.  I couldn't imagine having months and months to set up a major surgery, time enough to interview doctors.  On the other hand, they couldn't imagine having emergency surgery and not being able to prepare for it.

[caption id="attachment_458" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The opposite of Ben in Florida."][/caption]

There was a moment of clarity for me while I was driving the car (usually in the car or in the shower is when I have those moments.)  I suddenly thought, if I spend all day today worrying about Ellie having surgery in 2 months, then she might as well have had surgery today because I would have missed what actually happened today.  I knew that I didn't want to miss today.  I decided I would spend every day acting as if we were on vacation--seeing people and doing things that we love.  It helped keeping myself busy too, because then there wasn't as much contemplation time.  That's not to say that the upcoming brain surgery was not constantly in the back of my mind, it just didn't (always) consume me.  It was more like background music.  I also began to prepare for the upcoming event by organizing things and cleaning (I practically felt like I was nesting.)  It was challenging, however, to plan anything beyond the surgery because I had no idea what our lives would look like after surgery.

My mom arrived a few days before surgery to help us out.  She is one of those people that when she leaves after a visit, it actually feels as if a member of our immediate family has gone missing.  She just rolls into our lives so easily.   She also loves to do laundry and always takes over that task when she visits.

[caption id="attachment_158" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Dan, Sara, Zach, Noah, Mia & Hanna"][/caption]

The evening before surgery, I was running around preparing everything for the big day.  My heart was pounding as if I were running a race and it helped to keep moving.  Thom's younger brother, Dan skyppedus from China where he lives with his family.  We were all pretty tense and uptight and Dan was completely on fire, it was like watching a comedy routine, so funny was he.  After we hung up, Ellie said, "That was a great movie of Uncle Dan!"

The night before surgery, I stood in my closet picking out my outfit for the next day, wondering, "What does one wear to brain surgery?"  Nothing seemed quite suitable.  That night, no one slept well.  We were all on high alert that Ellie might wake up and go eat or drink something (before sedation you are not allowed to eat or drink.)  I think she had to be at the hospital at 6am or something equally early.  Fortunately, although she was awake, she never even asked for anything to eat or drink.  We all went to the hospital together, with a very sleepy Ben in tow.

[caption id="attachment_218" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie & Agogo"][/caption]

When we arrived, we discovered that there was an emergency surgery that Dr. Iskandar needed to perform before he could work on Ellie.  The great thing was that because Ellie was busy chatting up the nurses, talking with Agogo (my mom) and reading books, she didn't even notice or ask to eat or drink.

Then, one of our great friends, Esther, showed up with a brand new soft, floppy giraffe for Ellie (Ellie's favorite animal).  Esther's husband, Dave, a doctor at the hospital, also stopped by.  He was recently published and celebrity for being the best in his field.  When he showed up, we joked that we should make sure that everyone saw us with him so we could get VIP treatment.  He suggested it might be better if we NOT mention his name, that we might actually get better service that way...I wonder if he thought we might ruin his reputation with our antics...

[caption id="attachment_465" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Oh to be back on the beach in Florida..."][/caption]

When it was Ellie's turn for surgery, she began to cry (probably because she was having so much fun with all her new found and old friends) and saying "It's not fair".    At that point, everyone around, including nurses, just about started crying because who in the world thinks any of this is fair?  Fair has nothing to do with any of it.

There was a surgical waiting area at the hospital that we were directed to.  As we went, Ben innocently asked, "Where is Ellie?"  I felt like a crystal bowl that was knocked off a shelf.  Like a stick of butter that melted into a puddle on the floor.  All the anticipation and worry errupted from my body in the form of loud tears.   I started thinking about where Ellie was and what was being done to Ellie at that very moment.  Unless you are a surgeon, it seems best not to ponder these details.  Fortunately, my hysteria was short-lived and we proceeded to the waiting area.  Esther hung out with us for awhile and then went to pick her 2 adorable children up from school.  Then our friend, Cynthia showed up to hang out for awhile, while Thom & Ben went home for some playtime & bath time.  We waited and waited and waited.  Every hour the receptionist would come over and say, "She is still under the microscope."

The room became less and less populated as the day wore on.  Offices around us started locking up and going home.  The lights began to dim around us and still we sat.   The floor cleaner began to clean the floors.  And still we sat (or paced or chased Ben).

Finally at around 8:30 pm, my mom said she needed to go home because she physically felt ill.  Well, if she went home, then I would have to go home too because Ben would not be allowed in the recovery room.  At this point, we desperately needed the help of my older sister, Susan.  She is really good at telling people what to do.  So we got on the phone with her so she could come up with a plan and just tell us what to do so we didn't have to think for ourselves.  She relished this opportunity as she feels in most cases I do the exact opposite of what she wishes.  Our plan was for me to go home, drop Ben & my mom off and then return to the hospital to see Ellie after surgery.  Instead, once we got home, it seemed better for me to stay at home, get Ben to bed and return in the morning (see I still didn't follow Susan's plan even when I asked for it, how's that for gratitude??)  It felt highly unusual to not see Ellie after brain surgery.  Fortunately, I was so exhausted that not seeing her only added to the general weird, dizzy, spacey way that I was feeling.  I almost felt as if I were having to choose between my two children, a feeling I would have quite often while Ellie was in the hospital this time.

Thom said that when Dr. Iskandar came down after surgery, he was so excited that he had been able to remove 50-60% of the tumor.  Thom sort of nonchalantly said, "Great".  Because he had not

[caption id="attachment_466" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ben cannot believe the size of the puddles in Florida!"][/caption]

expected anything less to have occurred and because he does not show unbridled enthusiasm like Ben & I do.  For him, that was pretty darn excited.  Then, Dr. Iskandar ran off to perform another emergency surgery (he is the only Pediatric neurosurgeon in the region and nationally renowned.)

Thom reported that when Ellie came to from surgery she was immediately back to herself, chatting everyone up, reading books.  He said it was amazing.  Then, just as suddenly, she stopped talking and started having a seizure, the worst he had ever witnessed.  This led to her being intubated and sedated for several days following the surgery, but that is another story.

Several months later, Ben would ask me, "Why you cry at hopital?"  He was still trying to figure the whole thing out.

Angels in disguise

[caption id="attachment_443" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Smiley"][/caption]

One day in our La Grange home, when Ellie was not yet walking down the stairs, I was getting ready to do laundry in our oh so frightening basement (yes we had one there, too).  I could not carry both the laundry basket and my child, so the 2-year-old was left upstairs.  As I came down the steep, unfinished wooden steps, I paused at the bottom where there was a concrete floor.  I suddenly had the thought that I should put a pillow or something soft at the bottom.  I laughed at myself for such foolishness.  Then I rounded the corner to put our laundry in the washing machine.  Suddenly, I heard a loud bump bump bump bump sound.  I raced towards the stairs to see what had happened.  There lay Ellie on the basement floor.  I snatched her up frantically and carried her upstairs thinking we would probably have to take her to the hospital.  I looked her over very carefully and somehow she was not injured at all.  Not a broken bone.  Not a scratch.  Not a bruise.  Nothing, she barely even cried.  I like to think that she floated down the stairs on angel wings. 

[caption id="attachment_439" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Ellie at hospital in Chicago"][/caption]

Before Ellie had her shunt placed (2004), she was seeing Angels.  Not all the time, but sometimes when we were lying in bed, she would see them flying around the ceiling in our bedroom.  After the surgery, she did not see them.  You can make what you will out of these sightings.  I like to think that they are Ellie's friends and somehow always with her.  During some of our most difficult moments I have definately felt their presence.

[caption id="attachment_358" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Already spreading her joy"][/caption]

One day we were in the waiting area of the hospital.  There was a teen-aged girl in a wheelchair waiting with a man who appeared to be her father.  She could not walk or even move very easily.  Ben began to play with a toy near her.  I looked at this girl in awe, saddened at all the many things she was missing out on--running, jumping, skipping, spinning.  But then as I moved closer to where she was, I heard her.  She was sighing and saying to her father, "I love you."  I thought about how it is so easy to look at this girl and feel bad for all that she can NOT do.  But here is this girl sitting there completely blissed out in love.  There was not one part of her that was thinking about what she did NOT have.  She was completely in the moment and completely loving.  Her dad couldn't even take in all the love she was offering. 

[caption id="attachment_157" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The joy of being Ben"][/caption]

When I was in my doctorate program, one of the professors had twin girls who were born prematurely.  She shared with the class that one of the hardest things to get over as a parent is your own unmet expectations of what being a parent will be like.  At the time, it really struck me, because I couldn't fathom that this would be one of the hardest things to work through as a parent.  I am beginning to understand what she was saying.  When you decide to become a parent, you envision that child running, playing, laughing, jumping, reading, forming friendships.  When those things don't happen, how do you as a parent carry on and adjust your lens to something else?  How do you allow your child to be the being they chose to be, not the one you envisioned them being? 

I recall the first time someone used the term "special needs" to describe Ellie.  I was shocked, I sort of looked over my shoulder as if the speaker were describing someone else, because I certainly did not and do not think of Ellie in that way.  However, as Ellie has gotten older, it has gotten harder to "pass".  When a 4-year-old has a screaming tantrum, it is more expected than an 8-year-old.  As we have entered the school system, these "needs" have been more a part of our everday conversations. 

[caption id="attachment_435" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A halo for Ellie"][/caption]

I like the story by Neale Donald Walsch about this angel who wants to go down to earth to learn about forgiveness.  And the angel who volunteers to go down to earth with the angel requests that they recall when they are on earth who they really are.  Whenever I find myself entangled in a messy situation with another earthling (including my daughter), I remember Walsh's story and wonder if perhaps we decided to do this little earth dance before we put on these human costumes. 

Sometimes I feel sad for Ellie, maybe sad for what she might be missing.  Or sad that it seems like her struggle is too much.  Sometimes I see Ellie and Ben running side by side and it looks like the run is so much of a struggle for Ellie and so easy for Ben.  Sometimes Ellie just looks uncomfortable in her body and she seems to have so little interest in physical life.  But then I think of how Ellie is not sad for one moment for what she cannot do, just like the girl in the hospital.  She just wants to connect with those around her.  She is most interested in spreading her joy, giving hugs, telling stories, and encouraging others.  She spends so much of her time telling me how "joyfilled" she is or how happy she feels.  Who am I to say that she should have anything differently?  Who am I to say that she is not doing exactly what she came here to do?